Pizzagate: Attack of the Satanic Gay Pedo Cannibal Democrats (Part II)

The Pizzagate Timeline

The Birth of an Hypothesis: The Pizzagate Timeline

There were three main phases in the development of Pizzagate, each involving distinct (yet interlinked) entities on social media.

Phase I (early July to late October 2016): Hints of “something big” involving Hillary Clinton, the Clinton Foundation and child trafficking show up on 4chan, the YouTube channels of pseudo-Anonymous groups, and other lesser-known online forums. At this point we’re dealing with Pedo Democrats.

Phase II (October 28 to November 2, 2016): Nebulous rumours about the Anthony Weiner emails begin to circulate. They will supposedly reveal the Clintons’ participation in Jeffrey Epstein’s rumoured island orgies, Hillary Clinton’s involvement in child trafficking, etc. Now the clickbait “news” sites get on board, cranking out hoax headlines about NYPD and FBI investigations. Marginal alt-right Twitter users and Facebook patriots also get involved. Now we’re dealing with Gay Pedo Democrats.

Phase III (November 3, 2016 to the present): The Pizzagate phase, spawned by the release of a fresh batch of the hacked Podesta emails, erupts. Now Wikileaks,  popular alt-right Twitter users and alt media outlets like the Drudge Report are fully engaged. Reddit and Facebook users resolve to solve the crimes on their own. Suddenly, we’re dealing with Satanic Gay Pedo Cannibal Democrats.

The Pizzagate timelines published by BuzzFeed and Rolling Stone are highly informative, but due to time and space constraints, neither could reveal the full evolution of the hypothesis – the lesser-known videos and online exchanges that paved the way for Pizzagate like John the Baptist getting everybody psyched to meet his cousin. So I’ve compiled a more detailed timeline. If you want just the meat and potatoes, skip ahead to November 3-4, 2016.

THE PIZZAGATE TIMELINE 

2009: A Jane Doe now known to be Virginia Roberts Giuffre files a lawsuit against the incarcerated Jeffrey Epstein, alleging that he treated her as a “sex slave” from 1999 to 2002, when she was 15-18 years old. Roberts was allegedly recruited from Mar-a-Lago, where she worked as a change room attendant, by one of Epstein’s female procurers.

Much later, in 2015, Roberts names Epstein’s friends Alan Dershowitz and Prince Andrew as other abusers (later withdrawing all accusations against Dershowitz). She also names Bill Clinton and Donald Trump as two of the prominent people who socialized with Epstein on his island estate, but is very clear that neither of these men engaged in any criminal or sexual activity while she was around.

This is significant, because Mrs. Giuffre will be a party to several lawsuits against people connected to Epstein.

July 20, 2010: Jeffrey Epstein is released from prison, having served 13 months of an 18-month sentence for soliciting an underage prostitute in Florida. He was accused by several women of procuring them for “massages” when they were as young as 14, though there is some evidence that Epstein instructed his female procurers to make sure they selected girls over 18 (see James Patterson’s Filthy Rich).

I’m thinking Ron Perlman for Pizzagate: The Movie.

April 12, 2015: Via YouTube, Hillary Clinton announces her 2016 presidential campaign.

June 16, 2015: At Trump Tower in New York, Trump announces his 2016 presidential campaign.

January 29, 2016: Vice publishes a story on Epstein’s close associations with Bill Clinton and Donald Trump. The article cites rumours that Bill Clinton was a guest on Epstein’s private “orgy” island and speculates that Trump wouldn’t dare exploit Clinton’s connection to Epstein for political gain because he, too, was chummy with Epstein, whose Florida home is only a few miles away from Mar-a-Lago.

In 2002, when Epstein was just a mysterious financier and not a suspected sexual predator, Trump freely admitted to knowing him for 15 years and admiring him greatly. He even revealed that they shared a taste for beautiful women, adding “many of them are on the younger side.” But by 2007, Trump had cut all ties to Epstein and even barred him from Mar-a-Lago.

VICE turns out to be correct: Neither Trump nor Clinton will use Epstein as a blunt instrument during their campaigns. However, Trump and others will repeatedly accuse Hillary Clinton of some sort of complicity in her husband’s alleged sexual abuse of various women. For example, Juanita Broaddrick said that after Bill Clinton raped her, she attended one of his political events and Hillary shook her hand and thanked her for her support in a way she interpreted as a veiled threat to keep her mouth shut.

This conflation of a person’s alleged behaviour with the behaviour of his/her spouse is ridiculously common in political discourse, and Trump will capitalize on allegations about Hillary Clinton’s husband throughout his campaign.

January – late October, 2016: There are few online allegations of Hillary Clinton being involved with human trafficking of any sort, much less Satanic Gay Pedo Cannibal Democrat trafficking. If anything, she is criticized for keeping vulnerable and desperate children out of the United States (see Karen Attiah’s scathing piece in the Washington Post for one example) and for defining sex trafficking so broadly as to include sex workers.

April 26, 2016: A federal lawsuit is filed in U.S. District Court in Riverdale, California. Katie Johnson v. Donald J. Trump and Jeffrey E. Epstein accuses Trump and Epstein of rape and other sexual assaults during the summer of 1994, when Johnson was 13 years old. Johnson is seeking $100 million in damages from the two men for violating her Civil Rights and “making her their sex slave.” The name “Katie Johnson” is a pseudonym.

The case draws almost zero attention. It is covered mostly by tabloids (the Daily Mail,  the Sunday Express, the NY Daily News)  and low-profile news sites (RADAR onlineWinning DemocratsAntiMedia.org).

April 28, 2016: Trump’s corporate attorney, Alan Garten, issues a denial of the “Katie Johnson” allegations, but adds the extremely bizarre comment that Trump’s legal team found no evidence that “the person who made these allegations” exists.

The same “nonexistent person” will file two more lawsuits against Trump and Epstein by the end of 2016. Jane Doe v. Donald J. Trump and Jeffrey E. Epstein will be filed in New York in June, and another Jane Doe v. Donald J. Trump and Jeffrey E. Epstein will be filed in New York in September (you can read some of the court docs for more info). “Katie” will also be photographed by the Daily Mail in November. And the Daily Mail will drag out her criminal record.

Whether Katie is telling the truth or not, she 100% exists and even a shit UK tabloid can ascertain that. Garten is a dolt. I can’t believe Trump hasn’t fired him.

May 13, 2016: Fox News reveals that Bill Clinton traveled on one of Jeffrey Epstein’s private planes 26 times between 2001 and 2003. Previous reports indicated he had only taken 10 or 11 flights. On 5 of these 26 flights, Clinton was not accompanied by his Secret Service detail.

Now it’s time to get technical. Every reference to Epstein’s private planes that you will ever see in the land of Pizzagate refers to them as just one plane dubbed the “Lolita Express.” But Epstein had two planes, a Gulfstream that he used to travel to St. Thomas in the Virgin Islands and a Boeing 747 that he used for overseas business. The trips Bill Clinton took were on the Boeing, and all of them were overseas junkets related to Clinton’s work, such as addressing AIDS and democracy in Africa. Go ahead and match up the flight logs to Clinton’s 2001-2003 speeches in New York, Hong Kong, Tokyo, Singapore, London, Antwerp, Norway, Moscow and Africa. I’ll wait. The only flights not related to speaking engagements were a 2002 visit to the Sultan of Brunei and a stopoff in the Azores en route to Africa.

The rumours of an “orgy bed” on Epstein’s Boeing? Never confirmed. There were sleeping accommodations (not that you would need any for mile-high shenanigans). Maybe Bill and Jerry did have some fun on their trips, but how the hell would you know, and why is it your business? Most of Epstein’s female companions were not minors.

The flight logs do not show Clinton aboard any of Epstein’s flights to Saint Thomas in the Virgin Islands. This means that if Clinton did go to the rumoured orgies on Epstein’s private island, Little St. James, he did so on his own steam.

Little St. James in the U.S. Virgin Islands, privately owned by Jeffrey “I Just Really Like Massages” Epstein

Also, many people visit Little St. James for scientific conferences dealing with cancer research, AI and an array of other fascinating and vitally important areas of study. So piss off with your “everybody who went there is a pedo.” And if some pervy creep wants to donate his money to good scientific causes, take it. He should contribute to society.

Hillary Clinton did not accompany her husband on any of the 26 flights her husband took on Epstein’s plane.

June 15, 2016: There are reports that Clement Freud, the late UK broadcaster (and grandson of the Freud) has been posthumously accused of sexually abusing his foster daughter and raping one other young woman. Freud died in 2009.

This excites police and media interest, because Clement owned a summer villa in Praia da Luz, Portugal, just 600 yards from the Ocean Club Resort where Madeleine McCann went missing in May 2007. He even hosted dinner for the McCanns on two occasions during the search for Madeleine.

Freud’s family, including his stunned widow, accept the rape allegations and apologize to the two accusers. They draw the line at the McCann disappearance, however. According to the family, he was in the UK at that time.

Clement’s name will surface in Pizzagate, as Pizzagaters try to connect the Podesta brothers to Madeleine McCann’s abduction.

June 19, 2016: The Daily Mail publishes a story headlined “Clement Freud drank with Maddie suspect Robert Murat in Praia da Luz bar – and his local pub was dubbed the Plough and Paedo.” In December, they will publish a full retraction and apology, writing, “In fact, Mr Murat, who was totally cleared of any involvement in the disappearance of Madeleine McCann, never met or had any connection with the alleged paedophile ex-MP. We are happy to make this clear and apologise to Mr. Murat for any suggestion he was involved in wrongdoing.”

The Podesta brothers will receive no such apologies from their accusers.

July 2, 2016: “FBIAnon”, an anonymous 4chan user claiming to be a “high-level analyst”, surfaces on 4chan’s /pol/ board for an AMA (Ask Me Anything) session [note: I’ve covered one other 4chan hoax on this blog, the hilarious Assphone Theory of the disappearance of Flight MH370].

FBIAnon’s stated goal is to leak information about the bureau’s investigation of Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email server when she was Secretary of State, which has been ongoing for over a year. He/she also divulges details of crimes Hillary Clinton has supposedly committed, such as sharing with others Special Access Programs she wasn’t even supposed to possess. He/she states the FBI is under “intense pressure” to not recommend indictment. This is a clever thing to say. If Clinton is indicted, FBIAnon could be legit. If she isn’t indicted, then it means the FBI buckled to external pressures and dark forces are at work. You just can’t go wrong with a statement like this.

The rest of the Q & A meanders all over the place. FBIAnon praises the work of Jerome Corsi (the “Amero” guy, who currently works for Alex Jones), and lavishly compliments Russia (“more a paragon of freedom and nationalism than any other country”). He/she also spews racist shit (“Blacks are violent and generally impulsive, but they are not all bad. And they can be, for lack of a better term domesticated”) and goofy, anti-Semitic shit (George Soros is trying to “create a global government where all people intermingle and breed and become on people ruled by a racially pure Jewish race”).

But it’s what FBIAnon has to say about the Clintons and child sex rings that captivates 4chan. Urged to elaborate on that subject, he/she writes, “Sex rings are popular in all governments, but pedophilia is primarily in British parliament & Saudi Arabia, and that’s why HRC and BC love foreign donors so much. They get paid in children as well as money. Dig deep and you can find it. It will sicken you.” He urges readers to focus their attentions on the Clinton Foundation – its donors and its directors.

“If there is anything to gain from this, it is FOCUS ON THE CLINTON FOUNDATION. The media will over the next few weeks try to paint the e-mail scandal as the only scandal, and HRC may or may not get indicted. But if you keep pressing the foundation and do not let the questions or demands die, then the truth will out.

Follow the Foundation.”

This was in reference to the Justice Department’s brief, fruitless inquiry into the Clinton Foundation. Needless to say, people have been following the Foundation very closely in the run-up to the election, and they haven’t found much.

A couple of FBIAnon’s comments on “meme magic” will be particularly revealing, in light of later events:

Q: What’s your guys’ opinion on meme magic? Kekkism?

A. I am not religious, so I have no opinion on Kek. But meme magic is very real, in the sense that a thought large enough to gain traction with enough minds will manifest in external reality. That’s why confirmation bias works, and why Trump has used it to his advantage.

Q: So, meme magic is just fucking confirmation bias. Well that really takes the wind out of Kek.

A: Perceptions shape reality.

Indeed they do, fake FBI guy on 4chan. Indeed they do.

July 5, 2016: FBI Director James Comey announces that the FBI has completed its investigation into Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email server and is recommending to the State Department “that no charges are appropriate in this case.”

July 6, 2016: Fox news runs a story headlined “Billionaire Sex Offender Epstein Once Claimed He Co-founded Clinton Foundation.” The claim comes from a letter written by Epstein’s lawyers in 2007, during plea deal negotiations. In the letter, the lawyers state Epstein was part of the original group that conceived the Clinton Global Initiative.

This is never confirmed. And CGI is just one part of the Foundation, anyway (according to David Callahan of Inside Philanthropy, less than 10% of Foundation funds went to CGI as late as 2014).

July 7, 2016: In Dallas, Micah Johnson ambushes and kills five police officers and injures nine others, as well as two civilians. The ambush occurs at the end of a protest against the recent police killings of two black men (Alton Sterling in Louisiana and Philando Castile in Minnesota).

July 8, 2016: FBIAnon resurfaces on 4chan to answer more questions. He/she kicks off the Q & A by confirming that the Dallas incident was a false flag operation engineered to draw attention away from Hillary Clinton’s emails. And if you want to know any more than that, you’ll have to read the transcripts. I’m done with this douchemonkey.

July 10, 2016: After a night of drinking at a local sports bar, 27-year-old Democratic National Convention employee Seth Rich heads home to his apartment in the Bloomingdale neighbourhood of Washington, DC. At 4:20 AM, he is found alive and conscious  with multiple gunshot wounds, his body covered with defensive bruises. He dies in a nearby hospital a short time later.

Police surmise that this was a failed robbery, as there had been several robberies in the neighbourhood. However, there are no suspects and questions remain.

July 13, 2016: The clickbait conspiracy site What Does It Mean publishes a story about Seth Rich, claiming that “a somber Foreign Intelligence Service (SVR) report circulating in the Kremlin today says that a top American Democratic Party staffer preparing to testify against Hillary Clinton was assassinated this past Sunday during a secret meeting in Washington D.C. he believed he was having with Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) agents, but who turned out, instead, to be a ‘hit team’—and who, in turn, were captured yesterday after a running gun battle with US federal police forces just blocks from the White House.”

What Does It Mean is the website of “Sorcha Faal”, another entity we’ve covered on this blog (Faal put out the stupidest Michael Jackson death conspiracy theory of them all). Faal literally makes up silly shit and puts it on the website. Period.

The non-clickbait rumours about Rich’s murder are only slightly less goofy than this, though. Before Rich is even buried, the interwebs are afire with bullshit stories about him. He was the source of the DNC emails leak that Wikileaks published after his death, he had something to do with Hillary’s emails, etc. Julian Assange fanned the flames with coy hints that maaaaybe Rich was a Wikileaks source.

No one stops to wonder why a professional assassin would leave you alive and conscious on the street.

Rich will become something like the IT nerd version of JFK. Everyone has a theory, and there’s no way he was murdered by a stranger in one of the most murdery cities in America. At this point, it is impossible to extricate the tragic death of Seth Rich from Pizzagate. Not only is Hillary Clinton a Satanic Gay Pedo Cannibal Democrat, but she runs the shittiest murder squad in the DC metro area.

July 22, 2016:  WikiLeaks publishes a glut of hacked or leaked DNC emails (first published by DCLeaks in June). Some of them indicate that Democratic party leadership cunningly sank Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign in order to secure a Hillary win.

Debbie Wasserman Schultz announces her resignation as chair of the DNC two days later, proving once again that Wikileaks wields tremendous political power.

August 2016: In his book Partners in Crime, Jerome Corsi (now employed by Alex Jones/Infowars) accuses both Clintons of using the Clinton Foundation as a “personal piggy bank.” At the time he wrote the book, this was the worst stuff Corsi – a professional conspiranoid – could find about the Foundation. Isn’t it peculiar that just two months after the book’s publication, Twitter users will discover that the Foundation is actually just a front for a child sex ring?

The Wall Street Journal and other publications criticize the perceived “pay-for-play” nature of the Foundation as well, echoing Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump, while David Callahan renders more pragmatic views on what the Foundation does and how politicians interact with donors.

August 9, 2016: Future professional Pizzagater David Seaman uploads a weird post to his financial blog on Huffington Post, “What Happened to Bitcoin and David Seaman?” In this post, Seaman addresses rumours (not specified) that have been circulating about him, and laments that one cannot address “every conspiracy theory or half-baked Reddit post about yourself once you become a public personality.”

Right you are, self-obsessed cryptocurrency dude.

He then goes on to chronicle all the ways in which various people, notably broadcaster Joe Rogan, supposedly screwed him over in 2016. He claims he was promised a regular guest spot on Rogan’s show, in which he would discuss the latest political scandals, only to be ghosted by Rogan as soon as Bitcoin took a plunge in value. He blames such betrayals for his “declining health.” He even shits on his parents at one point.

This incredibly bizarre post ends with the opinion that John McCain’s daughter is “fat, entitled, intellectually empty.”

Just think about this post for a second. Imagine that you want to catch up on the latest crytocurrency trends, and a buddy tells you, “Oh, hey, check out David Seaman’s Huffpo blog.” So you go there and find…whatever the hell this is. I mean, damn. Get yourself together, man.

August 29, 2016: David Seaman uploads a YouTube video about another betrayal…by HuffPo. He claims he has been summarily fired for posting a piece questioning the state of Hillary Clinton’s health.

He then gets ridiculous, telling his audience, “I’m doing this video also to say, I’m not suicidal right now. I am not a particularly clumsy person. I don’t own a car at the moment. So if I’m to slip in the shower over the next couple of days or something silly like that, you have to really employ probability and statistics here because I’m not a clumsy person, right, and I’m also not a depressed person right now.”

Thus begins Seaman’s descent into sitting at home drinking beer all day and concocting revenge plots (if he wasn’t at that stage already). At least, that’s the story you’ll hear from Pizzagaters and Seaman himself.

The truth is that Seaman continued to blog at Huffpo throughout 2016 and 2017. He was not fired. And he’s still alive.

October 10, 2016: What Does It Mean publishes a story claiming Israeli intelligence possesses a videotape of  Bill Clinton raping a 13-year-old girl. The author cites a “Foreign Intelligence Service (SVR) report circulating in the Kremlin.” Supposedly, this videotape was made by the Clothing Shop Network, a shadowy Mossad operation that doesn’t actually exist. The operation’s main “organizer/facilitator” is the “international money man of mystery Jeffery Epstein [sic].”

This all rests on unconfirmed rumours that Epstein had some connection to the Mossad and/or was busted as the result of a Mossad frameup, rumours that are too silly to even address. For years, Epstein relied on young Florida women to procure even younger Florida women for him. The girls were told they were going to be paid to give Epstein massages (which was true some of the time). Epstein was not framed. His arrest was the result of a three-year investigation.

“Clothing Shop Network” is probably a reference to the fact that one of Epstein’s friends and business mentors, Leslie Wexford, is CEO of L Brands (the retailer behind Victoria’s Secret, La Senza and many other mall chains).

October 12, 2016: A pseudo-Anonymous (not affiliated with the semi-official Anonymous YouTube channel) releases a video echoing, almost verbatim, the make-believe What Does It Mean story. Israeli intelligence taped Bill Clinton raping a 13-year-old, Hillary Clinton was able to keep the video under wraps for years, yadda yadda.

The video then gets pretty weird. Fake Anonymous informs us that after learning her husband had been secretly videotaped with children, Hillary Clinton decided to run for president and “set up Donald Trump as a strawman Pied Piper opponent.” She chose Trump because he also knew Epstein, and would therefore go down in flames. However, unbeknownst to Clinton, Trump was clean; he was basically the only prominent person in the whole nation who refused to cavort with Epstein’s underage girls.

The official Anonymous website never publishes anything about this Bill Clinton video. However, official Anonymous videos hint throughout the month of October that Anonymous will be releasing an explosive October surprise of its own, and they critically analyze Clinton’s health and alleged terrorist ties.

October 28, 2016: FBI Director James Comey informs Congress he is reopening the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails. The reason: Emails of potential interest have been found on a computer belonging to disgraced former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner, the then-estranged husband of Clinton aide Huma Abedin.

Many Democrats consider this a dick move, an October surprise strategically timed to sabotage any shot Clinton had at the White House. But that’s a whole ‘nother conspiracy theory.

Oct. 29, 2016: On THEE Rant, a web forum for New York City police officers, someone with the username “Fatoldman” posts that he/she has a “hot rumor” about the reopened FBI investigation:

“[T]he feds were forced to reopen the hillary email case [because] apparently the NYPD sex crimes unit was involved in the weiner case. On his laptop they saw emails. [T]hey notified the FBI. Feds were afraid that NYPD would go public so they had to reopen or be accused of a coverup.”

Fatoldman’s extremely vague, unhelpful rumour (“they saw emails”) is promptly re-posted to a law enforcement group on Facebook.

It might have died there,  but then a mysterious (yet very popular) user called Eagle Wings tweets it.

Among Eagle Wings’ followers at the time are future deputy assistant to President Trump Sebastian Gorka and former national security adviser Gen. Michael Flynn, whose son’s later involvement in Pizzagate I have already mentioned in Part I.

Nobody seems to know who Eagle Wings actually is. Eagle Wings’ profile picture is of a middle-aged woman, and the caption beneath it is “USAF Vet believes Freedom Soars.” Rolling Stone consulted Samuel Woolley, a “leading expert in computational propaganda” and research director at the Institute for the Future’s Digital Intelligence Lab, for insight. Woolley examined Eagle Wings’ social media postings and concluded that “she” tweeted too frequently (more than 50,000 times since November 2015) to too many followers (120,000 as of November 2017) to be a solitary patriot; Eagle Wings is almost certainly a “highly automated account” and “part of a bot network” [note: the account is temporarily restricted as of this writing].

It doesn’t matter who or what Eagle Wings is, though, because her relatively innocuous message is about to be distorted beyond all recognition in an adult version of Telephone.

October 30, 2016 (about 10 hours after the “fatoldman” post on ThreeRant): Carmen Katz, a Facebook user based in Missouri, claims to have an NYPD source who told her the Weiner emails contain detailed information about the Clintons’ and Jeffrey Epstein’s involvement in an “International child enslavement and sex ring.” These emails – which never materialize – supposedly describe trips that the Clintons took on Epstein’s private plane [recall from the flight logs that Hillary wasn’t on the plane], and expand on Hillary’s “well documented predilection for underage girls.” (Rolling Stone later discovers that “Carmen Katz” may or may not be a sock puppet account created by an eccentric, conspiracy-minded lawyer living in Missouri).

Twitter user DavidGoldbergNY (true identity unknown) quickly backs up Katz’s post. His tweets suggest the Weiner emails are going to expose a child sex ring involving Hillary Clinton. DavidGoldbergNY cites NYPD rumours.

An anonymous Godlike Productions Forum user chimes in, claiming he/she also has inside information that a child sex/trafficking ring involving federal officials and the Clinton Foundation is about to about to be exposed.

November 1, 2016: The clickbait site Conservative Daily Post runs the story “Breaking: FBI confirms evidence of huge underground Clinton sex network,” in which it is claimed that an FBI source has revealed a “massive child trafficking and pedophile sex ring” in DC, “which they say was run directly with the Clinton Foundation as a front.”

SubjectPolitics.com runs a story with the headline “IT’S OVER: NYPD Just Raided Hillary’s Property! What They Found Will RUIN HER LIFE.” The photo that accompanies the story has nothing to do with a search of Hillary’s property, and there is no evidence that anyone searched Hillary’s property. The story is, in fact, fake news (a term Pizzagaters initially loathed, but now use to label anything that is critical of their research).

The website True Pundit publishes a story stating that the NYPD is investigating emails that link Hillary to money laundering, sex with children, and other crimes. They cite anonymous FBI and police sources.

Even though they are worthless, these stories are shared over and over again, giving the emerging “sex ring” rumour some legs.

DavidGoldbergNY crows that True Pundit has confirmed his October 30th tweet.

November 2, 2016:  The clickbait fake news site Christian Times Newspaper (not to be confused with the Christian Times) posts a wholly fabricated story about an NYPD investigation into allegations that Bill Clinton sexually abused girls ranging from 5-14 years of age. Again, anonymous NYPD sources are cited.

“Now, sources within the NYPD are saying their investigation has evolved to focus on Clinton exclusively after several of the emails found on disgraced former Congressman Anthony Wiener’s laptop implicate Clinton in an international child sex ring.”

November 3, 2016: In a video that has since been deleted, another pseudo-Anonymous unaffiliated with the official Anonymous YouTube channel announces that on November 5th, it will be releasing information that shows “who the real criminals are, and it’s something much darker than we thought.”

The culprits will include Bill and Hillary Clinton, the Clinton Foundation, and “21 individuals ranging from the DNC, FBI, CIA.”

“The new leaks being released this week will provide documents in the form of emails, pictures, and videos. Within these will be evidence of Bill Clinton, as well as at least 6 other Government officials, taking part in acts with minors. As well as evidence of Human trafficking that also included minors.

We believe these pictures and videos were taken for the purpose of political manipulation. In order to make sure all participants followed through on a previously agreed agenda.

These documents were given to us by an American Government official when he had come to learn that this crime had been covered up by Hilary and her staff through methods including bribery and blackmail. He also told us that due to the restricted access to these documents, they would soon know he was the one who released him to us.

We tried to make arrangements for him to exit the country safely, but he was killed before those arrangements could be carried out. We are still not sure if this is because they became aware of the leak, or if they were scared that he may in the future. In either case, his identity will be made public in this next set of leaks so that he can be honored for the hero that he was.”

Pseudo-Anonymous never releases the documents.

NOVEMBER 3-4, 2016: PIZZAGATE IS BORN

November 3: Wikileaks publishes volume 28 of the stolen Podesta emails.

One hour after volume 28 of the emails hits Wikileaks, the popular Twitter personality Jared Wyand becomes the first person to suggest that the copious references to food, particularly pizza, in the Podesta emails could actually be code words related to a pedo/trafficking ring.

Wyand tweets a list of “code words” related to pizza and other foods, urging other users to search for those words in the Podesta emails. It’s not clear where he got these code words within one hour, but Jared Wyand makes a grandiose statement that becomes a war cry for thousands: “We are uncovering a child sex ring.” We’ll discuss the code words, and Wyand’s rapid decline, in Part IV of this post.

People obediently begin searching for hints of human trafficking activity in the Podesta emails leaked by Wikileaks. They don’t find anything that directly references human trafficking (or any criminal activity, for that matter), but they do find the code words.

Project Astral” is the first Reddit user to make hay with the “Spirit Cooking” done by Podesta’s artist friend, Marina Abramović. He/she claims there is a connection between Spirit Cooking and the occult, specifically Thelema and its Cakes of Light. A blog post later attempts to explain the logic behind this connection.

The alt media immediately pounces on Spirit Cooking. The Drudge Report, Alex Jones/Infowars and Mike Cernovich all point out how creepy it is, presenting it as a debauched and sinister activity with heavy-duty occult connections. Wikileaks even retweets a Change.org message about Spirit Cooking.

Reddit user “Pleading the Yiff” claims to discover a link between Hillary Clinton and Laura Silsby, an American woman jailed for possible child trafficking after the 2010 earthquake in Haiti. He titles his post “BREAKING: I believe I have connected a convicted child abductor who was caught stealing children in Haiti with the Clintons.” It is posted to the /r/The_Donald subreddit.

A short time later, WikiLeaks’ Twitter account tweets “Significant, if partisan, find showing how the Clintons supported child stealer Laura Silsby,” then links to Pleading the Yiff’s Reddit post. We’ll examine the “Silsby connection” in Part IV.

Mike Cernovich publishes a post on his blog stating that some of the Podesta emails point to occult practices and human trafficking:  “Podesta Spirit Cooking Emails Reveal Clinton’s Inner Circle as Sex Cult with Connections to Human Trafficking.”  He writes that “we should focus less on Clinton Cash style corruption and more on the Clinton Foundation’s sale of children to Saudi pedophiles.”

In other online posts and in a series of Periscope videos, Cernovich promotes the notion of a massive criminal conspiracy involving both Clintons and other prominent Democrats. This is right after the code words have been tweeted by Jared Wyand, so nothing pizza- or pasta-related is mentioned. Pizzagate hasn’t fully evolved yet. Interestingly, though, Cernovich mentions the Laura Silsby-related emails that Reddit user “Pleading the Yiff” claimed to “discover” a very short time earlier, showing just how rapidly information spread in the early days of Pizzagate. 

Note that the approach taken by Wyand and Cernovich is much different from that taken by the previous posters and tweeters. In the earliest days of Pizzagate, shadowy law enforcement sources and secret police investigations were always mentioned. Wyand and Cernovich, on the other hand, are among the first people to say, “Let’s investigate this ourselves”, implying that law enforcement couldn’t or wouldn’t do anything to halt the Satanic Gay Pedo Cannibal Democrat juggernaut.

I don’t know precisely where Cernovich got his notion of Saudi pedophiles buying American children, but I will point out that the image of insanely wealthy, lecherous Arab men purchasing young, white women for their harems is a positively ancient trope. It played a key role in the “white slavery” panics that arose in the mid-nineteenth century and continued all the way through WWI. Throughout America and much of Europe, girls and their parents were warned of immigrants and criminal gangs that could drug unsuspecting teens, scoop them from the streets, and ship them off to the Middle East to be sold at auction to leering sheiks. Hell, Rudolph Valentino built a career on this.

Soon, there will be rumours that every single business on Connecticut Avenue, including Comet Ping Pong, is owned by Saudis. The notion that Saudi nationals are behind everything from Pizzagate to the recent Vegas shooting is extremely popular among Pizzagaters, and conspiracy theorists in general.

Meanwhile, the online Sherlocks conclude that some of Washington’s most prominent citizens could walk into  certain establishments and simply “order” young children off the menu for sex, using the code words. Why else would people email so incessantly about food? The first food-related reference to gain a lot of attention was the sentence “I’m dreaming about your hotdog stand in Hawaii…”, but the narrative quickly centres itself around pizza. The investigators begin using the hashtag #pizzagate on social media.

Discovering that John Podesta and his brother Anthony frequent Comet Ping Pong, the citizen investigators decide this restaurant must be the hub of the pedo/trafficking activity in DC.

Here is one of the earliest subreddit posts to link Podesta and family to the restaurant:

“Comet Pizza is a pizza place owned by James Alefantis, who is the former gay boyfriend of David Brock, the CEO of Correct The Record. It has been the venue for dozens of events for the Hillary campaign staff. John Podesta has had campaign fundraisers there for both Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. John’s brother and business partner Tony Podesta has his birthday party there every year.” 

The investigators begin mining the current owner’s Twitter and Instagram accounts, as well as the restaurant’s menu, for codewords and clues. We’ll examine all the evidence they unearthed in Part IV.

November 4, 2016: Douglas Hagmann, a conspiranoid broadcaster, goes on The Alex Jones Show to discuss Pizzagate. Hagmann claims  he has sources inside the NYPD who are actively investigating the pedo ring, and those sources showed him evidence that included graphic photos. He produces a photo of a nude minor (censored from the video, of course) that he claims was discovered on Anthony’s Weiner’s phone. Why the fuck would Hagmann have this? Think about that. If the NYPD was handing out child porn to radio hosts, we should be concerned.

November 7, 2016: An /r/pizzagate subreddit is formed and rapidly mushrooms to 20,000 subscribers.

November 8, 2018: Donald Trump is elected as the 47th President of the United States. This delights most Pizzagaters on a number of levels, but what they’re most fervently hoping is that Trump and/or Putin will soon swoop in and arrest all the Satanic Gay Pedo Cannibal Democrats now that the Kenyan Guy is out of the way.

November 13, 2016: Monica Petersen, a Research Fellow and Assistant Director at the Human Trafficking Center, reportedly commits suicide in Haiti. Within three days of this young woman’s tragic death, Pizzagaters are haranguing the Center for information about her and accusing Hillary Clinton of having her murdered. Later in this series, we’ll look more closely at the Petersen case and the Pizzagate Body Count.

Mid-November 2016: David Seaman begins uploading videos about Pizzagate, and quickly becomes one of the most vocal Pizzagaters (if not the most productive). A Pizzagater named George Webb also begins posting videos (over 1200 to date) around this time, documenting his citizen investigation of the Clinton Foundation, the deaths of Seth Rich and Monica Petersen, etc.

Pizzagaters hurl a barrage of harassment at Comet employees, performers who have had gigs at Comet, artists with work on display at Comet, etc. Alefantis lays out thousands of dollars to beef up security at his restaurants. Other Connecticut Avenue businesses are also targeted for their supposed use of “pedo symbols” on their websites and signage.

Rumours fly of a tunnel system beneath Comet, a basement “kill room” and other secret spaces used by the Satanic Gay Pedo Cannibal Democrats to imprison, abuse and perhaps even eat their child victims.

The Pizzagate hypothesis blooms like black mold all over Reddit, Voat, Steemit, 4chan, YouTube, Twitter and its racist shadow Gab, alt-right/white supremacist sites, far-right alt news sites, and of course the clickbait sites. What human Pizzagaters don’t do, bots and foreign fake news factories do for them (Turkey and Russia are the most active countries in amplifying Pizzagate-related “news”).

November 16, 2016: Professional Twitterdouche Jack Posobiec goes to Comet to investigate and livestreams his investigation to Periscope. He finds a lot of people eating pizza and a children’s birthday party. He is asked to leave. Pizzagaters respond to this 18-minute waste of time like it’s a 60 Minutes exposé.

November 18, 2016: Yournewswire.com, another clickbait “news” site (run by Sean Adl-Tabatabai), posts a story with the headline “FBI: Rumors About Clinton Pedophile Ring Are True.” The story cites only one source: FBIAnon, the 4chan user who mentioned pedo rings back in July. Yournewswire becomes one of the prime sources of information for Pizzagaters, but its stories don’t become any more factual.

I think it goes without saying that the FBI was not interested in Pizzagate. You can’t investigate “this guy mentions food too often in his emails.”

November 23, 2016: Alarmed by all the doxing of Pizzagate suspects that is occurring at /r/pizzagate in spite of a warning to users not to post private information, Reddit shuts down the subreddit. Naturally, this leads to cries of censorship, cover-up, political persecution, yadda yadda. Some Pizzagaters (inaccurately) declare the ban to be the largest in Reddit’s history. However, the Pizzagaters immediately move over to Voat, Steemit and numerous other social media platforms and continue their investigation without interference.

A lot of up-and-coming alt-right commentators – as well as the old salts of conspiranoia culture –  use Pizzagate to punch up their Twitter feeds, drive traffic to their YouTube channels, and get their names out there. Then, when they begin to realize there are meatspace implications to making human trafficking allegations against strangers, some of them start to gently disengage themselves from the core allegations. Others double down.

November 21, 2016: The New York Times publishes the first major debunking of Pizzagate. But like I said in Part I, you can’t debunk something that’s so fact-free in the first place.

Early December 2016: Alarmed and driven to action by all the online Pizzagate “news” he’s seeing, Edgar Welch drives 260 miles from his home near Durham, North Carolina to DC to investigate Comet Ping Pong. He brings with him an AR-15 rifle and two other guns. En route, he records a farewell message to his family.

December 4, 2016: Alex Jones’ InfoWars website posts a YouTube video titled “Haiti PIZZAGATE: Death of Child Trafficking Investigator.” It claims Monica Petersen “had just begun investigating the correlation regarding the Clinton Foundation’s Caracol Industrial Park Complex and its connection to a human trafficking network when her life was cut short.”

All of these statements will turn out to be incorrect. Petersen was very active in raising awareness about human trafficking, but her primary focus was on labor trafficking involving adult men and women. She had even expressed some annoyance at the fact that labour trafficking, which is rampant, does not receive the same amount of public concern and attention that sex trafficking attracts. The Clinton Foundation connection that Jones mentions was posted by one of Petersen’s friends on Facebook. Petersen was not in Haiti to investigate anything. She had voiced intentions to set up an NGO there.

December 4, 2016: Edgar Welch walks into Comet Ping Pong armed with a .38-caliber Colt revolver, his Colt AR-15 rifle strapped across his chest. He aims the rifle at an employee. The employee flees and phones police. Welch pokes around the restaurant a bit, finds nothing of interest, then discharges his weapon three times. He is promptly arrested by DC police.

After the shooting, Alex Jones defends Pizzagate researchers and urges them to carry on their important work.

December 6, 2016: The Washington Post publishes its first story about Pizzagate and the Welch shooting.

December 13, 2016: Alex Jones takes the unprecedented measure of scrubbing some of his videos and articles about Pizzagate from Infowars and related websites, evidently concerned that he will be one of the conspiranoids linked to the shooting.  In the past, he has shrugged off similar allegations. Now, however, he has more mainstream support and attention thanks to Donald Trump being a guest on his program in late 2015. He can’t take the risks he used to take.

Now that he actually likes a U.S. president-elect and has his ear, Jones eases back on the New World Order a tad and resorts to sobbing over genetically-modified fishpeople in Europe.

Early 2017: Not content to speculate about Hillary Clinton having Parkinson’s, a few Pizzagaters propose that she has Kuru, the “cannibal disease”, from the ritual consumption of bodily fluids and/or children during Satanic Gay Pedo Cannibal Democrat ceremonies or whatever.

January 17, 2017: Benn Swann, a reporter for Atlanta CBS affiliate WGCL-TV who can’t pass a conspiracy theory without fapping all over it, devotes one of his “Reality Check” segments to Pizzagate. It’s titled “Is Pizzagate ‘Fake News’ or Has It Just Not Been Officially Investigated?” That’s some false dichotomy, right thurr.

Swann claims he has spent a month investigating Pizzagate, yet brings nothing new to the table. He covers all the same “Isn’t this strange?” details that all Pizzagaters now trot out: the Podesta Code and the “disturbing art”, photos of kids on Instagram. He does not even attempt to explain how or why DC police should begin investigating John Podesta’s use of the word “walnuts” or why the owner of Besta Pizza uses a triangle shape on his menus.

This is just Swann being Swann. In every “Reality Check”, he regurgitates months-old conspiracy fodder and poses disingenuous questions about it. The entire concept for the segments seems to be “Stuff I Find on Reddit Looks Better In a Tie.”

Just like Michael Flynn, Swann pays a price for his dumbfuckery. WGCL-TV temporarily suspends him, and his social media accounts vanish. This is more than a little unfair, since it was the station bosses who greenlighted his segment, but whatever. Swann will return to the air, minus Reality Check, only to be fired for trying to independently produce Reality Check without his bosses’ knowledge.

January 20, 2017: Inauguration day.

A handful of religious protestors show up outside Comet to shout racist, anti-Muslim, and anti-LGTBQ phrases. Because, the children?

February 24, 2017: In another unprecedented move, Alex Jones uploads a video in which he qualifies some of the statements he and his guests have made about Pizzagate, trying to persuade his viewers that he was never really interested in the first place.

“I kind of picked up when the Washington Post, New York Times, all of them said – when I wasn’t even covering it – everybody says a pizza place is doing this to kids. And I was like, we never covered it. A pizza place? And I went, whoa, they’re in the news diverting us from all this other big stuff.”

Nice try, Angry Cashew. As I’ve already noted in this timeline, the Post ran its first Pizzagate story on December 6, a full month after Jones & Co. hopped on the pizza wagon. The Times ran its first piece on November 21, over two weeks after Jones uploaded his first Pizzagate video.

As soon as he distances himself, however, Jones jumps right back in. “I don’t think Alefantis over there, or any of those people in DC at that pizza place where Podesta goes – even though they’ve got weird acts there that people are like, ‘We like kids. That’s our preference. Yeah, we love kids.’ I don’t know what the hell that is. There’s a lot of weird crap going on.”

His “we love kids” comment is a reference to a cell phone video taken in the back room of Comet, which we’ll examine along with the other evidence in Part IV.

March 24, 2017: Edgar Welch pleads guilty to federal weapons charges. He is contrite and open about his storming of Comet Ping Pong, yet Pizzagaters insist he must have been a “crisis actor” or blackmailed patsy sent into the restaurant to discredit their incredibly fruitful investigation and protect the Satanic Gay Pedo Cannibal Democrats.

March 25, 2017: Alex Jones uploads a second video apology for previous Pizzagate comments. However, he refers only to the comments that related directly to Comet Ping Pong and James Alefantis and speaks in a stiff, unconvincing manner markedly different from his usual HOLYSHIT PEOPLE THEY’RE KILLING US WITH CHEMICALS style, making it comically obvious that Alefantis’s lawyers have contacted him. As it turns out, that’s precisely what happened. Alefantis was not impressed with Jones’ bullshit “apology” of February 24, and demanded a real retraction.

Also on this day, the first official Pizzagate protest occurs. Roughly 50 protestors assemble in Lafayette Square with Pizzagate T-shirts and protest signs to insist that Pizzagate is not fake news and must be investigated by law enforcement. One couple shows up with their kids in tow, all sporting “#Pizzagate” T-shirts. The event is organized by Neil Wolfe and another young Pizzagater. It is heavily promoted by David Seaman. Unlike the hateful fucks that showed up outside Comet on Trump’s inauguration day, these people express genuine concern for the welfare of children and are baffled at the public’s lack of concern. A few identify themselves as survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

May 18, 2017: After a concert in Detroit, Soundgarden singer Chris Cornell hangs himself in his hotel room.

Later that day, the Wayne County Medical Examiner’s Office confims that his death was the result of suicide.

20 July 2017: Linkin Park singer Chester Bennington hangs himself in his home near Los Angeles.

21 July, 2017: The L.A. County Coroner’s Office confirms that Bennington’s death was the result of suicide.

Later in the day, the ultra-fake “news” site YourNewsWire (now a fave of Pizzagaters) posts a story reporting that Chester Bennington  was murdered in similar fashion to his friend, Chris Cornell, and police are investigating his death as a homicide in spite of the judgment of suicide.

The two men had been friends, and copycat suicides are not uncommon in circles of friends.

Within two days of Bennington’s death, Pizzagaters are pointing out his resemblance to John Podesta (which doesn’t go far past “same haircut and glasses”) and trying to prove that he might be Podesta’s son. They are also claiming that Bennington and Cornell were about to reveal “something big” about celebrity pedophiles.

Chester’s not his son, doy. They’re just played by the same crisis actor.

And this is where the timeline shall end. It’s not that things haven’t happened in the year since Wolfe’s “march on the White House.” It’s just that nothing new has happened. Pizzagaters still rely on the code words, anonymous 4chan “insiders”, clickbait headlines, their own interpretations of various works of art and music videos, etc.

Pizzagate and related faux scandals are now being shared with the hashtags “follow the white rabbit” and “the storm is coming” (a reference to a cryptic comment dropped by Trump during an October 15, 2017, speech).

Many of the tweets that use the White Rabbit hashtag also reference #QAnon or simply Q. What is that? Or, more accurately, who is it? On October 28, 2017, someone identifying only as “Q” began posting a string of mysterious messages to a 4chan /pol/ thread titled “Calm Before the Storm.” Q is supposedly a government insider with Q clearance leaking information about Trump’s super-secret plan to launch a counterattack on the Deep State entities that are supposedly trying to unseat him.  So he’s the new FBIAnon, basically, only with a security clearance.

Q made a few references to Alice in Wonderland, which inspired the White Rabbit hashtag. We all know how much these gray suit types love to quote children’s literature and/or The Matrix, right? Remember when Mark Felt wanted to be called Mr. Toad, but Bernstein insisted on Deep Throat?

QAnon is the hot new girl in town, but in Facebook groups and Voat threads, the ground troops of Pizzagate still search for hard evidence of child molestation and trafficking. You know, like pizza emojis.

As I write this in early 2018, Pizzagaters are mobbing up on model/TV show host Christine Teigen, analyzing her social media accounts for incriminating child-molesting stuff. Apparently, this began when Teigen posted photos of her 1-year-old daughter’s 2017 Halloween costumes: Alice in Wonderland and a hot dog. Then she tweeted something about “pedolite” not tasting very good. This was clearly a reference to the infant hydration formula Pedialyte, designed for sick infants, which has become a trendy hangover cure among celebs and their wannabes.

But in the eyes of Pizzagaters, it’s solid evidence that Teigen is somehow involved with the Pizza Ring. When her husband, singer John Legend, warned professional Pizzagater/”journalist” Liz Crokin to cease her verbal attacks on his family or face a lawsuit, Crokin snapped back that Legend and Teigen are affiliated with people she suspects of being in the Pizza Ring, in a weak attempt to justify her behaviour. In Pizzagate land, it’s a crime just to know people who might be involved with some criminal enterprise that might exist (even though there’s no real evidence of it).

Oprah also came under immediate heavy fire from Pizzagaters after her 2018 Golden Globes address, in which she (along with everybody else on the planet) denounced sexual harassment in the entertainment industry and praised women who have come forward with allegations after years of silence.

You would think that Pizzagaters would wholeheartedly support this message, but they didn’t. That’s because the professional-grade speech Oprah gave sparked rumours that she is planning to run for the presidency. That is pure speculation on the part of the media, yet Pizzagaters are zooming ahead to the conclusion that Oprah will run and must be stopped. So, they’re crafting stories that Oprah was a procurer for Harvey Weinstein, tricking young starlets into meeting with him and essentially grooming them for sexual exploitation. There have been no such real-life allegations against Oprah, and the stories being shared in Pizzagate forums are clickbait garbage juice.

One fake article declares that actress Kadian Noble has publicly accused Oprah of working with Weinstein to ensnare her for an alleged 2014 sexual assault, but Noble has not said any such thing.

One widely-shared photo of actress/singer Rita Ora shows Weinstein leaning over her as she sits with Oprah; this is presented as evidence that Oprah delivered young, vulnerable females to Weinstein, and Ora is characterized as a wide-eyed child. In reality, Ora is a self-confident, mature woman who has spoken out against Weinstein’s sexually predatory behaviour towards her. Like Noble, she has not mentioned Oprah.

As you can see, Pizzagaters are still cranking out the memes. Perhaps one of the most baffling “Pedogate” images is a photo of Steven Spielberg posing with child stars Drew Barrymore and Heather O’Rourke. The only text on the image is “ASK STEVEN WHAT HAPPENED TO HEATHER.” Various threads on Voat attempt to prove to you that Spielberg is a child molester, citing comments made by Crispin Glover and allegations made by one Dean Henry, as well as a blog that appears to be written by someone who considers Michael Jackson a messiah.

I will only address the Glover thing. First of all, Glover hates Spielberg and sued him for using his image without his consent in Back to the Future II (a good move, frankly). Secondly, the “allegation” that Pizzagaters quote is actually just an excerpt from a satirical/rhetorical series of questions that Glover posed in connection with his art film What Is It? Thirdly, and definitely most importantly in the context of Pizzagate, Glover is the proud owner of a painting that depicts a fully nude, prepubescent Shirley Temple tricked out in Nazi accessories, holding a bullwhip against her genitals. He purchased this when Shirley Temple Black was still alive, and I’m pretty sure he didn’t ask her permission to use her image before he allowed publishers to reprint the painting.

A Steemit thread suggests that Heather O’Rourke may have been murdered as part of a “Pedogate coverup.” The author got his info from a blind item by popular “inside scoop” Hollywood blogger ENT LAWYER, whose single anonymous source clams that Heather O’Rourke died not from septic shock brought on by a bowel obstruction, but as a result of a sexual assault on the set of a TV series, Rocky Road. The source is supposedly a woman who was about 12 at the time of Heather’s death and was working as an actress on the same set. There is speculation that this source is Devon Odessa, a former child actress who appeared in Rocky Road.

This story doesn’t work. O’Rourke was very sick the day before her death (February 1, 1988), and had been sick for the month prior to her death. She would not have been filming. Even if she had been filming and the septic shock was caused from an assault-related injury inflicted in late January, death probably would have been faster. She would not have lingered for two days. The cause of her death is well-documented and even formed the basis of a lawsuit filed against her doctors by her mother.

Common sense and facts won’t stop the pizzaroller, though. Hundreds of thousands of people all over the world remain dedicated to rooting out the Satanic Gay Pedo Cannibal Democrats among us, and when the standards of evidence are so low, there’s a lot to find.

So now you have a fairly good overview of  some of the key personalities and events of Pizzagate and its clones, Pedogate and “The Storm.” Maybe you’ve also read Buzzfeed‘s timeline, or the Washington Post‘s takedown, or the more recent Rolling Stone article. But if you’re not in the trenches, there’s some stuff you probably don’t know about Pizzagate.

 

Part III
Some Stuff You Probably Don’t Know About Pizzagate

 

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Pizzagate: Attack of the Satanic Gay Pedo Cannibal Democrats

PART I: Overview

The 411 and the Major Playersuntitled-1Hans and I are back after a two-year hiatus, and we have been eating a lot of pizza lately. Why can’t the global elite operate their child trafficking rings out of juiceterias? #smoothiegate

Fifteen months have passed since Pizzagate first blew up all over social media, and most sources critical of Pizzagate use the past tense, telling you that Pizzagate was a theory that emerged during the 2016 presidential race, that people believed Hillary Clinton was involved in a vast child-trafficking network centred around casual dining in Washington, DC., etc.

Don’t be fooled. Pizzagate is still here, and Pizzagate will always be here. It is part of us now. For decades to come, it’s going to serve as another example of things They got away with doing under our noses. It will contribute to outbursts from citizens outraged by how evil the world has become. It will cause tears and heartbreak to Facebook users who can’t stop thinking about the terrified, vulnerable children locked up in freezers beneath bistros. Calling Pizzagate “debunked”, “discredited”, “fake” or “unfounded” isn’t going to change its real-world impact at all.

So let’s deal with it.

Before we dive in, let’s get one thing straight: I don’t care how you feel about Pizzagate. I don’t care what your instincts are telling you. I don’t care what your political affiliation is. We are going to deal primarily with the straight facts of this matter – the artwork, the tweets, etc.

Lurking in forums and social media groups over the past year, we have seen hundreds of pages of information related to the occult, weird art, human trafficking, pedophilia, and arcane symbology. What haven’t we seen? Evidence that you can take to the bank. In fact, there is so little concrete evidence here that Pizzagate can’t even be classified as a conspiracy theory at this point. It’s more like a conspiracy hypothesis. Once you dig past the hoaxes, misinformation, and irrelevant material, you’re left with little more than, “Wow, the Podesta brothers really like food.”

This isn’t anything like the “Franklin cover-up” quagmire, which is dense with accusations and counter-accusations, lawsuits and confessions. Here, the evidence is so thinly layered that you hit bedrock almost as soon as you start digging.

“Is this all there is?” you ask.

“Connect the dots,” the Pizzagaters urge. “Wake up.”

So why am I even bothering with this topic at such a late date? Well, first of all, Pizzagate became a global phenomenon, and its core claims are certainly serious enough to warrant scrutiny. Secondly, the formation and dizzying growth of the Pizzagate hypothesis is a fascinating, convoluted tale that tells us a great deal about ourselves: our history, our weaknesses, our information culture. Thirdly, Pizzagate is history. It overlaps with one of the strangest political atmospheres in U.S. memory, as well as the emergence of peculiar neo-nativist movements and ugly sexual scandals, both real and imagined.

Most importantly, Pizzagate has not really been examined in a concise, critical manner. Snopes took a shot, but kept it very brief as per their short-form debunking style. Saying “Comet Ping-Pong doesn’t have a basement” is not enough anymore. BuzzFeed and Rolling Stone zeroed in on how Pizzagate began and how misinfo was disseminated by bots and Twitter patriots, without discussing the actual hypothesis itself in any depth. The Washingon Post has run several stories focusing on the weirdity of Pizzagate, as though it’s a singular event in the history of American conspiranoia (it’s not). The New York Times assembled a decent overview, but couldn’t get into too many details.

In this series, I’m going to give you a detailed timeline of events,  show you historical parallels to Pizzagate hysteria that will put it into some context, and expose how a few obscure players manipulated us into being suspicious of mundane things. We’re going to examine the Pizzagate body count, the strangest sub-theories and virtually every smoking gun that has been presented by the Pizzagate community. I’ll even teach you how to become a Pizzagate investigator.

The 411

If you’re not familiar with Pizzagate, here’s the crux: According to many Internet denizens, a handful of code words in the leaked John Podesta emails have revealed the existence of an international child trafficking/prostitution ring made up of Satanic Gay Pedo Cannibal Democrats.

This hypothetical “Pizza Ring”, as I’ll call it, is headquartered in or near a popular D.C. pizzeria called Comet Ping Pong, owned and operated by one James Alefantis. This popular Connecticut Avenue eatery, opened in 2006, regularly hosts musical performances and political fundraisers. It has a laid-back, hipstery vibe, with a room full of ping-pong tables and local art covering the walls (you’ll be reading a lot more about that). “Comet”, as it’s often called, was featured on an episode of the Food Network show Diners, Drive-ins and Dives in 2013.

The child slaves are supposedly brought to this location via a network of tunnels beneath the pizzeria, and may be held or abused in the basement of the restaurant. Some of the children are ritually sacrificed and/or consumed, because the Pizza Ring is part of a worldwide cult that does that sort of thing.

And they would’ve gotten away it with, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling Twitter users.

Thousands of people all over the world are now taking part in a crowdsourced citizen investigation of the Pizza Ring. Let’s call these investigators “Pizzagaters.” They have linked Pizzagate to alleged child trafficking in Haiti, several murders and suspicious deaths, and even sports injuries. Celebrity Pizzagaters include Roseanne Barr, James Woods and Kanye West.

Although it’s just a little over a year old, the Pizzagate hypothesis has already had real-world consequences:

  • A Trump transition team member probably lost his job over a Pizzagate-related Tweet. Trump loves his conspiracy theories, but it seems Pizzagate is a line in the sand for him. Michael Flynn, Jr. tweeted the following on November 2, 2017:pizzagate-michael-flynn-tweet“I want him fired immediately,” Trump reportedly declared. And that’s precisely what happened. Furthermore, the incident may have helped drive a wedge between Trump and Michael Flynn’s father, White House national security adviser Gen. Michael Flynn. We all know how that ended.
    Michael, Jr. is about as sharp as an egg. Last year, he used the hashtag #MuslimBan to discuss Trump’s executive order restricting immigration from several Muslim-majority, high-conflict nations. The administration obviously wasn’t keen to see this order characterized as a “Muslim ban”, so this time both Flynns deleted their Twitter accounts.
  • On December 4, 2016, a young man named Edgar Welch tried to intimidate the business owner, staff and patrons of Comet Ping Pong by firing a weapon three times in the restaurant. He said he was merely “investigating.” Most Pizzagaters insist this was a false flag incident staged by someone-or-other to rally public support for the Pizza Ring and shut down the citizen investigation. Welch originally entered a plea of not guilty, but later took  a plea deal. He is currently serving a four-year prison sentence for interstate transportation of a firearm and assault with a dangerous weapon.
  • D.C. police devoted manpower and resources to the shooting incident, threats made against business owners, and some of the allegations made online. The FBI’s Russian probe also investigated aspects of the allegations.
  • Internet broadcaster Alex Jones apologized for certain comments, for perhaps the first time ever, after he and a guest made weird and insupportable allegations against people around the time of the shooting incident. This “apology” was the direct result of threats of legal action. Currently, singer John Legend is also threatening legal action against Pizzagaters for claiming that he and his wife could be part of the Pizza Ring. Celebrities and politicians have long ignored the wackier conspiracy theories that adhere to them. Now that the fringe has gone mainstream, they can’t afford to do that. They’re fighting back and forcing alternative media to be more accountable for what they put out there.
  • Business owners and employees, friends and neighbours of the “suspects” and numerous artists have been harassed and slandered by people who think they must be Satanic Gay Pedo Cannibal Democrats.
  • According to some, Pizzagate investigators fell victim to the “largest ban in the history of Reddit.” We’ll examine this claim later.
  • Law & Order: SVU based an episode entitled “Real Fake News” on Pizzagate, portraying the conspiracy theory as a plot cooked up by Russia to undermine the U.S and disgrace a Congressman. This is the only exposure to Pizzagate that many Americans have had, so it shouldn’t be taken lightly.
  • Hillary Clinton has made hay of it, even mentioning it in a commencement address.

Some Pizzagaters claim to have moved beyond the narrow confines of the Pizza Ring hypothesis, and prefer the term “Pedogate.” Bizarrely, though, highly specific allegations of sexual misconduct (such as those against senate candidate Roy Moore) don’t seem to bother them as much as sketchy rumours of possible sexual misconduct.

Dramatis Personae: The Accused

For this lineup, I’ve used memes actually shared in Pizzagate online communities. These images in no way reflect my personal attitudes or beliefs. I include them here as examples of how vicious, absurd and childish some of the Pizzagate accusations are. 

Keep in mind that these are definitely not the only people to be accused by Pizzagaters. They’re just the major players.

Marina Abramović, 71: A world-renowned performance artist who is friends with John Podesta and his brother, Anthony. She is perhaps best-known for her performance pieces entitled The Artist is Present, in which she sits silently in a chair while people say and do anything at all to her. But it was her quirky Spirit Cooking pieces that led Pizzagaters to the conclusion that the Podestas might be Satanic Gay Pedo Cannibal Democrats. As we’ll see, the misrepresentations of Spirit Cooking as an occult ritual were crafted by alt media outlets.
Like most performance artists, Abramović has deliberately cultivated an unsettling, offbeat persona. She wears upside-down crosses, dyes her hair raven-black, and poses with goat horns, giving her a sort of posh Morticia Addams vibe.
Abramović has no criminal record and has never been implicated in a sex scandal.

James Alefantis, 43: Not only is Alefantis the owner of the restaurant at the centre of Pizzagate, he is an ex-boyfriend of David Brock, the founder of both Media Matters for America and the pro-Clinton super PAC Correct the Record (Alefantis and Brock dated c. 2007-2013). I mention this only because Pizzagaters bring it up continuously.
In 2009, Alefantis became the sole owner of both Comet and another Connecticut Avenue restaurant called Buck’s Fishing & Camping when co-owner/chef Carole Greenwood left the industry.
He has produced independent films and is extremely active in the D.C. arts scene.
He is a registered and active Democrat.
Alefantis’s various activities earned him the #49 spot in GQ‘s list of the 50 Most Influential People in D.C. back in 2012. A lot of Pizzagaters think this is weird, but there is one other restauranteur and a trio of party planners on the same list. GQ described Alefantis as a local bon vivant. 
Alefantis has no criminal record and has never been implicated in a sex scandal. Unless that thing with Brock’s other ex-boyfriend counts.

Hillary Clinton, 69: I don’t think this lady needs an introduction. Though she is not referenced in any of the “incriminating” Podesta emails, she is obviously thick as thieves with John Podesta (chairman of her 2016 presidential campaign). Clinton has no criminal record, but has been implicated as some sort of accessory-after-the-fact in several sexual assaults allegedly committed by her husband, and sundry other scandals. She has also been characterized as a lizard-woman, a closet lesbian, and a serial murderer who knows how to disguise assassinations as suicides.

[The artwork above is by Holocaust denier David Dees. I have written about Dees at Leaving Alex Jonestown.]

Jeffrey Epstein, 64: A wildly successful, deeply secretive financier and billionaire who split his time between New York, Florida, New Mexico, the Virgin Islands, and France. Like Clinton, Epstein doesn’t appear in any of the Pizzagate-related emails, but he was friendly with Bill Clinton. He is also friends with Prince Andrew, Alan Dershowitz, and thousands of other people.
Epstein is the only major Pizzagate figure with a criminal record. In 2008, after a three-year investigation by Palm Beach police, he was convicted of soliciting an underage female prostitute. Numerous young women have accused him of paying them for sexual favours and/or sexually molesting them when they were as young as 14, though no criminal charges have been laid in relation to those allegations.

John Podesta, 68: Podesta is a major Democratic player. He served as chief of staff to President Clinton and Counselor to President Barack Obama before becoming chairman of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 presidential campaign. He serves on more boards and councils than you can possibly imagine.
In March 2016, he fell prey to a phishing scam that gave unidentified hackers access to his Gmail account. Wikileaks subsequently obtained these emails and published them online in 28 batches, or volumes, between October 7 and November 4, 2016. A small number of these emails form the dark nucleus of Pizzagate.
Podesta has no criminal record and has never been implicated in a sex scandal.

Anthony Podesta, 73: John Podesta’s only sibling, and a heavy political hitter in his own right, Tony Podesta is a veteran D.C. lobbyist and art collector.

Podesta has no criminal record and has never been implicated in a sex scandal. He did step down from his position at the Podesta Group lobbying firm as a result of the FBI investigation into possible Russian tampering in the presidential election, and the Podesta Group shut down in late 2017.

Anthony Weiner, 52: Congressman who seemed to spend most of his time taking dick pics and sending them to many women – and one underage girl. For the latter activity, he got into a lot of trouble. His wife, Clinton aide Huma Abedin, has been named as a Pizza Ring member by some Pizzagaters.

In a sense, Pizzagate is the bastard child of Anthony Weiner, because the earliest online speculation about “something big” revolved around the FBI’s investigation of his emails. However, that probe didn’t yield anything big, so the rumour mill moved on to John Podesta’s emails in search of dirt.

On the surface, all of the people mentioned above are on the same page politically. Don’t be fooled. David Brock has harshly criticized Hillary Clinton’s campaign team, headed by John Podesta, for failing to get her into the White House. Tony Podesta stepped down from his post at the Podesta Group not because he was a subject of the FBI investigation, but because his company employed a Republican who was. Sure, Jeffrey Epstein was friendly with the Clintons – but he was also tight with Donald Trump. Real life does not always follow party lines.

Dramatis Personae: The Accusers, Investigators and Pizzagate Experts

Mike Cernovich: Cernovich is a right-wing internet personality very active on Twitter. In 2012 he set up the website Danger and Play, primarily as a forum for Men’s Rights topics. He was a loud voice throughout Gamergate. He says semen has magical, addictive properties and should be carefully guarded from semen-stealing whores (“whores” = women who are sexually active). He thinks white genocide is a thing. He makes sassy comments about rape and occasionally accuses people of supporting child molesters in order to get them fired. When he records his videos, he makes sure you can see his hawt Iranian wife lounging in the background (“See, I’m not racist!”). You know, the usual alt media hipster edgelord shit. It’s completely impossible to tell how much of Cernovich’s output is brand-building bluster and how much is genuine, so I won’t even waste your time with that.

During the 2016 election, Cernovich increasingly focused on the political scene (because Trump). His main contribution was insisting that Hillary Clinton had advanced Parkinson’s Disease. When that got stale, he become one of the first and most prominent “new right” voices to trumpet Pizzagate. In fact, he was so early to the game that it wasn’t even called Pizzagate yet. He continued to heavily promote the hypothesis for several months.

Since that time, Cernovich has eased back from Pizzagate as part of an effort to up his credibility. We’ll look more closely at his Pizzagate role in the next post.

Liz Crokin: Like David Seaman (see below), Crokin was a freelance journalist and is now a full-time Pizzagater.

Crokin claims that journalists who write about sex trafficking are being blacklisted, just as the editors at Townhall.com supposedly blacklisted her for writing about “Pedogate.” This echoes the Pizzagaters’ frequent cries of censorship and persecution, which usually turn out to be exaggerations. A Google news search for “sex trafficking” should reassure you that lots of journalists are still covering the topic. What Crokin omits from her blacklisting allegation is that Townhall stopped publishing her work after she jumped to the defense of professional troll Milo Yiannopoulos, devoting roughly a third of her “sex trafficking” article to how mean everybody was being to him. It’s possible that Townhall ditched Crokin for her inability to stick to a goddamn topic.

Prior to Pizzagate, Crokin wrote primarily for tabloid publications and sketchy websites. She has a history of dramatic and bizarre claims, some of them disguised as fiction. After breaking up with a wealthy older boyfriend in 2013, she published a political thriller entitled Malice in which the antagonist is a wealthy older man who abuses children, somehow gives his daughter Lyme Disease and slips ecstasy into his wife’s drinks. Crokin has accused her ex of giving her herpes that resulted in meningitis and brain damage. He has countered by alleging that Malice is a thinly disguised attack on him. Which, duh.

At one time, Crokin claimed that a sex tape of Hillary Clinton, Huma Abedin and an underage girl was soon going to emerge and blow the lid off the Pedogate scandal. This video was supposedly found on Anthony Weiner’s computer, in a file labled “Life Insurance.” Crokin is the only person to claim any knowledge of this video. Just like the video of Bill Clinton assaulting a 13-year-old girl, which we’ll cover in the next post, this video has never surfaced.

Currently, Crokin is clinging to the idea that the FBI’s Russia investigation will lead directly to Hillary Clinton.

The Drudge Report: Though Drudge never jumped all the way onto the pizza bandwagon, it gave the hypothesis a powerful kickstart with a re-post of an Infowars story headlined “WIKI WICCAN: PODESTA PRACTICES OCCULT MAGIC.”

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Alex Jones, 44: The subject of one of my other (mostly defunct) blogs, Leaving Alex Jonestown, Jones is an Internet broadcaster who believes the Anti-Defamation League might have been behind the Holocaust Museum shooting and that France is genetically engineering fishpeople like Kevin Costner in Waterworld. He’s an avid Trump supporter. Like Cernovich, Jones took an intense interest in Pizzagate, then backed away from it. However, his early support for the Pizzagate hypothesis helped launch it into public consciousness, so his role cannot be overlooked.
Jones has no criminal record, and has not been implicated in a sex scandal, though he’s friends with Charlie Sheen but is currently being sued for racial discrimination and sexual harassment by two former employees.

At this time, Jones’ YouTube channel may be deleted. It was put on notice after he posted videos describing the Florida school shooting as fake and some of the teenage survivors as “crisis actors.”

Breitbart.com: Breitbart published a few articles on Pizzagate, but its main contribution to the hypothesis was the misconception that the late Andrew Breitbart exposed John Podesta as a human trafficker and pedophile all the way back in 2011. We’ll examine this utterly inaccurate bit of pizzalore in Part IV.

Brittany Pettibone: One of several twentysomething alt-right wannabes who attempted to boost themselves into the spotlight with Pizzagate, Pettibone has worked closely with white supremacists and believes in white genocide, while insisting she is not a racist. She was recently barred from entering the UK (Britain’s Home Office explained in a statement that it has the power “to refuse entry to an individual if it is considered that his or her presence in the UK is not conducive to the public good”). Tucker Carlson leapt to her defense. He presented her as just your average conservative journalist, which she is not. She is a cute little Nazi who gets far more attention than she has ever earned. That’s really all there is to say about her.

Jack Posobiec: Basically Mike Cernovich in a different skinsuit.

Chances are that any goofball conservative PR stunt you’ve heard about in the past year and a half had something to do with this guy.  In November 2016 he showed up at an anti-Trump rally with a “Rape Melania” poster. A month later, he used his Twitter powers for evil and convinced most Trump supporters – without presenting a crumb of evidence – that Disney had hastily added anti-Trump scenes to Rogue One. This culminated in the Twitter ban of another central Pizzagater, Jared Wyand (see below).

Posobiec’s primary contribution to Pizzagatery was his live-streamed “investigation” of Comet Ping Pong. He found nothing of interest and was asked to leave the restaurant for attempting to broadcast a child’s birthday party.

guy-fawkes

Pseudo-Anonymous: Who the hell knows who this is? Could be anybody. Anonymous, as you know, is a collective of hacktivists who release videos via a semi-official YouTube channel and occasionally organize mass actions dealing with everything from Scientology to Australian porn. But pseudo-Anonymous groups proliferate online, and (as we’ll see) their stances are often at odds with the real Anonymous. In this post, I have tried to differentiate between pseudo-Anonymous groups and Anonymous, but it’s not always an easy thing to do.

David Seaman: All of Seaman’s earliest Pizzagate videos have been removed from YouTube, but the former freelance journalist has still churned out an incredibly high volume of Pizzagate-related videos in the past year. I don’t think it would be exaggeration to say that Pizzagate is his life now.

Seaman got his start in journalism by landing an internship at Jezebel in 2007. His bosses immediately tired of his childish self-absorption. He then wrote two books about self-promotion, including How to Be a Publicity Whore (2008), and became something of an expert on cryptocurrency.

In 2016, he was publishing a HuffPo finance blog. That’s where things went sideways. HuffPo supposedly fired him for posting too many stories about Hillary’s health during the 2016 election cycle, and he admittedly turned into a beer-swilling, unemployed mess. He grew determined to get revenge on “that bitch”, and Pizzagate was one of the last straws left to grasp. Seaman grasped it hard. As we’ll see in part II, though, Seaman was not actually fired by Huffpo.

At this time, Seaman is under a two-week YouTube ban for posting videos about the Florida school shooting being fake.

hillbilly

Edgar Welch, 29: North Carolina resident with no known connections to anyone in D.C.  (or anyone in this entire lineup, for that matter). On December 4, 2016, he entered Comet Ping Pong and fired three shots from an assault rifle after a failed attempt to find and rescue child slaves from the restaurant.

Welch has a criminal record that includes marijuana possession, a 2007 conviction for driving after consuming alcohol while under 21 and a 2013 conviction for driving under the influence, according to court records. In October 2016 he struck a kid with his car. We also know he worked on several student films between 2007-2009, and graduated from Cape Fear Community College in 2007. He has two kids with his girlfriend. He’s a registered Republican, but hasn’t expressed any political motivation. On his Facebook page, he posted things about Biblical prophecy and the coming of the Muslim Antichrist.

There are a lot of theories about Mr. Welch. Pizzagaters generally believe he was a government agent or a mind-controlled patsy sent to discredit their investigation. In my own view, Welch probably has some mental health issues and a good dose of Travis Bickle syndrome. He told police he brought the rifle with him to “help rescue” any children he found, and en route to D.C. he recorded a video message for his family, telling them he loved them and he hoped to be able to tell them that again.

Prior to entering Comet, Welch reportedly texted a friend that he was “Raiding a pedo ring, possibly sacraficing [sic] the lives of a few for the lives of many… I’m sorry bro, but I’m tired of turning the channel and hoping someone does something and being thankful it’s not my family. One day it will be our families. The world is too afraid to act and I’m too stubborn not to.” The text also mentions “Standing up against a corrupt system that kidnaps, tortures and rapes babies and children in our own backyard.”

Some Pizzagaters have followed the lead of Sandy Hook and Boston Bombing truthers by pointing to Welch’s handful of film credits and declaring him a “crisis actor”, hired by someone-or-other to impersonate a crazed gunman. This is unlikely. Welch has accepted responsibility for his actions and expressed regrets for the way he handled the situation. He is also serving four years in prison – a stiff price to pay for an acting gig.

Silhouette of a man in a business suit giving a shrug with a question mark

Social Media Users on Twitter, Gab, Voat, Steemit, YouTube, Reddit, etc.: The driving forces behind Pizzagate may or may not be using their real names online, as is their right. Therefore, we know little to nothing about them. We don’t know if any of them have criminal records, and we don’t know if they have been implicated in any sex scandals.

malfoy

Wikileaks and Julian Assange: Wikileaks and its founder don’t need an introduction, do they? Wikileaks is now the world’s largest repository for leaked, stolen and classified information that you’re probably not supposed to see. It has been instrumental in exposing injustices and dragging hidden information into the sunlight. It published the Podesta emails and took a keen interest in the early research of Pizzagaters.
Assange was accused of rape in Switzerland in 2010, and took refuge in the Embassy of Ecuador in London rather than submit to a Swiss police investigation. The Swiss investigation was dropped in May 2017, but Assange continues to reside at the Embassy to avoid bail-jumping charges.

Jared Wyand: Though Wyand is the second-most obscure online personality on this list (Ms. Pettibone being #1 with a bullet), he is more responsible for the creation of Pizzagate than any of them. He had a sizable Twitter following in late 2016, and he tweeted the mysterious, food-related “code words” that spurred people to comb through John Podesta’s emails in search of dirt and led to the “outing” of Comet Ping Pong as the spiritual headquarters of the Satanic Gay Pedo Cannibal Democrats.

Wyand subsequently freaked out over the anti-Trump scenes that weren’t even in Rogue One, and pitched a racist, anti-Semitic Twittertantrum that got him banned. He now posts at Gab, where he is openly a Holocaust denier and anti-Semite. We’ll see much more of him in Part IV (The Evidence).

Looking at this random assortment of characters, it’s difficult to comprehend how a conspiracy hypothesis involving all of them came to exist. To understand how Pizzagate  became a phenomenon, we have to review its troubling origins.

 

Part II
The Birth of an Hypothesis: The Pizzagate Timeline

 

 

2014: The Year in Psychic Fail

mzarathustra1It’s that time of year again: Time to review some of the psychic predictions made for last year.
Sylvia Browne is out of the picture now, but as Illuminutti has pointed out, she made one last set of predictions that turned out to be very wrong. How did the upstart psychics fare?

Nikki, “Psychic to the Stars”

I covered Nikki’s predictions two years ago (and I’m still waiting for Stallone to nab that Tony nomination). It seems her style has really evolved since then. Her predictions have become more specific and less cataclysmic in nature, making them more believable than “the map of the world will change” or “Earth will fall off its axis a little more”. However, she still has that peculiar habit of combining world-shattering events like food riots and massive earthquakes with events so mundane that you wonder why the spirit world would even bother to communicate them (the death of a royal horse, marriage for Oprah).

Nikki claims that a ton of her 2014 predictions came true, including health problems for Cher and Avril Lavigne, a “space tragedy”, and the deaths of four celebrities. This year, she has unpacked a whopping 290 predictions for the new year, not including a list of dozens of public figures who may die and/or have health issues. That’s a good strategy. If you throw enough shit at the wall, something has to stick, right?

Let’s take a closer look at Nikki’s listed predictions for 2014. Out of 45 celebrity predictions, three were accurate (“Mathew McConaughey nominated for an Oscar”, “12 Years a Slave winning numerous awards”, and Rob Ford’s appearance on Jimmy Kimmel). Four, if you’re very generous and include “Cher has to watch her health”. Cher is 68 years old. Everyone in their late 60s has to watch their health.
Most of the predictions on Nikki’s list were absurdly vague (“Danger around Justin Beiber”), and several were ludicrously safe bets (“A country music legend will pass”). Of the seven relationship breakups she predicted, not one actually happened. She predicted a “slight accident” for Tom Cruise and cautioned Johnny Depp to be careful around motorcycles, but said nothing about Bono’s bike mishap. Not even the predictions that seemed highly likely (“Miley Cyrus full body cast”) came to pass.

Nikki’s success rate for world events is even more dismal. The Egyptian pyramids were not sucked into a giant sinkhole, a gorilla did not devour its trainer, and the Empire State Building was not attacked by terrorists. The Coliseum Colosseum did not partially collapse, civil war did not break out in the U.S., and Mt. St. Helen’s Helens did not erupt. Her obsession with bird attacks didn’t pan out, either.

Birdemic_13

Maybe next year.

I predict that in 2015, Nikki will finally hire an editor.

T.B. Joshua

This year’s Top Fail award goes to T.B. Joshua, one of Nigeria’s most successful televangelists. His megachurch, The Synagogue, Church of All Nations (SCOAN), broadcasts his sermons to millions on its own channel, Emmanuel TV.
Joshua’s predictions merit special attention, because he presents them as information imparted to him directly from God – old school prophecy in action. Let’s examine just one of the many prophecies Joshua unveiled in 2014.

On March 8, a video made up of clips from Joshua’s July 28, 2013 sermon was posted to Emmanuel TV’s YouTube channel. During that sermon, Joshua asked his audience to pray for an Asian country to help avert an airplane crash that could happen there. He indicated the plane would have some kind of problem that could be detected while it was still on the ground. “I see a balloon,” he said.
If the plane crashed, almost 200 passengers would die.
Joshua explained that God had revealed the name of the Asian country to him, but he wouldn’t reveal it for fear of disrupting air travel to and from that nation.
The video then segues into clips of news stories about Malaysian Airlines Flight 370, the plane that had just vanished.

The March 8th video is impressive, I have to admit. Here’s a guy in Africa, predicting a major Asian air disaster more than six months before a Malaysian airplane goes missing in one of the weirdest unsolved incidents of modern aviation history. Sure, Joshua was a little skimpy on the details, but that’s a remarkably on-target prediction, right?

Maybe not so much. Another video, showing an unedited version of the same July 2013 sermon, tells a rather different story. In this clip. we hear Joshua clearly say that the plane will crash just metres from its takeoff point…a key detail that somehow didn’t make it into his official video.

God revealed the crash to Joshua, yet Joshua has (obviously) played no part in locating the plane. A full day after searchers started looking for it in the Indian Ocean, he suddenly suggested that very area as the site of the crash, and revealed for the first time that some sort of confrontation or hijacking involving “strange people” was the root cause of the tragedy. He confidentally asserted that wreckage would be found in the ocean within a week.

what

WHAT ABOUT THE BALLOON, THO?

Okay, so one of T.B. Joshua’s prophecies was a bit wonky. Let’s all give him the benefit of the doubt, and see how he did with other 2014 prophecies over at the blog T.B. Joshua Watch.

Terry and Linda Jamison, the world’s “most documented” psychics

The California-based Jamison twins revealed dozens of 2014-2015 predictions during an online radio broadcast (Beyond the Gate) aired on January 6, 2014. They called 2014 The Year of the Truth Revealed – lots of uncloseted skeletons and exposed corruption. They also explained that Light Beings are helping us form crystalline bodies, increasing our “manifestation potential”. So, uh, enjoy that.
They also accused Lady Gaga of stealing their costume designs from the ’80s and ’90s.

They offered some helpful career tips (computer skillz) and a few investment tips (oil, gas, biotech, and wellness).

On their website, they have a page devoted to predictions made on this show that came to pass in the latter half of 2014. However, after listening to the broadcast on YouTube, I have a hard time matching their predictions to any of the events listed on this page. They did make a few successful predictions on the show –  that Republicans would win the Senate, for instance – but I didn’t hear them talking about the specific events on the list. They just matched real-world events to the vague statements they made. For instance, their airy prediction about “breakthroughs in prostrate cancer” is matched to a vitamin D study, even though they didn’t give any such details on-air. This is classic retrofitting in action.

Bizarrely, though, they can’t even get their retrofitting quite right. They write that Nicole Kidman’s father died in the Philippines amidst rumours of pedophilia and participation in a “child murder ring”. In reality, Antony Kidman died in Singapore. He was not under investigation for anything at the time of his death, because the International Common Law Court of Justice mentioned in blog posts about him is not an actual legal entity. It is a loose collaboration of individuals with no background in justice or law enforcement, acting under “common law” principles in the same manner as Sovereign Citizens or Freemen-on-the-Land. The allegations of Satanic ritual abuse and sacrifice that have been brought to light by the “Court” are extremely dodgy. I don’t say that lightly. The man who started the Court and popularized the Ninth Circle Satanic pedophile/murder ring meme and is now the primary investigator of its supposed crimes is a personal friend; for years, I supported his work with the survivors of Canada’s residential school system. In recent years, however, he has shown signs of mental strain and gullibility, traveling the globe to collect evidence that he believes implicates the pope, the English royals, and influential politicians in everything from mass child abduction to cannibalism. The International Common Law Court of Justice he established has presented no concrete evidence to support any of these accusations. The sole source of information about the Ninth Circle consists of testimony from various alleged victims of the cult, and they haven’t presented any evidence, either. As the stories spread via videos and blog posts, more and more people embrace them uncritically without asking for one iota of proof, just as the Jamison sisters have done. It is a disappointing and alarming trend.

Other “predictions” were flat-out wrong. “Homeopathy will be helpful” in the treatment of depression? Sorry, ladies: Sugar and salt and water won’t cure anything.

homeopathy one weird trick

Sidney Friedman

U.S. mentalist Friedman’s predictions are, by far, the most entertaining of 2014.

  • “Garlic is in the news.”
  • “Chivalry returns.”
  • “A shock wave, perhaps literally or perhaps figuratively, is felt in Russia.”
  • “Remarkably, for the first time, a poll finally finds one person who actually approves of Congress.”
ouija-lunch-box

I predict bologna sandwiches today.

LaMont Hamilton

Not one of pyschic LaMont Hamilton’s predictions for 2014 came to fruition, largely because they’re silly. He predicted scientists would find that diseases can be spread by our thoughts, that a mirror universe would be discovered, and that a former U.S. President or First Lady would die. He accurately predicted the Bitcoin crash, but attributed it to a faulty algorithm rather than plain old human greed. He also predicted that “nano-chemicals” would produce cars that don’t need to be washed as often as regular cars. His less-silly predictions crashed and burned, too:

  • An electrical fire at the NSA’s new Utah data center will be linked to sabotage. Nope.
  • The Nobel Prize in Chemistry will go to Alivisatos, Seeman, and Mirkin for their work on DNA nanotechnology.
    Nope. It went to these fellows for their work on super-resolved fluorescence microscopy.
  • At least 2-3 Congresspeople will resign their offices before the Fall elections.
    “At least” is a clever little qualifier that can save almost any dumb prediction from certain death. Clearly, though, Mr. Hamilton doesn’t pay much attention to how many resignations we see in an average Congress. The numbers are always higher than this.
  • The original 1969 USA moon landing site will be reported as damaged or vandalized by another country that lands on the moon.
    Nope. And c’mon, this is just goofy. No one was even planning a moon landing for last year.

Better luck next year, ladies and gentlemen.

Wednesday Weirdness Roundup: Stolen Imaginary Friends, Bigfoot Bears, & The Clinton Chronicles Redux

imaginary friend

  • With the recent passing of British comedian Rik Myall, you might have had nightmarish flashbacks to one of the most astoundingly awful films of recent decades: Drop Dead Fred. Or maybe you had fond flashbacks, because you were one of the people who cherished that movie. But did you know that the movie’s title character was stolen?
    Sometime in the late ’90s, I read the fantasy short story “Mr. Fiddlehead”, by Jonathan Carroll, in a 1990 collection of the year’s best fantasy and horror. In the story, a woman falls in love with her BFF’s imaginary childhood friend after he materializes as a carroty-haired, freckled, impish man. He appears only when the woman who created him is in emotional distress. He delights the two women with his practical jokes, childish sense of humour, and magical powers.
    I was appalled that Mr. Carroll had recycled the plot of a terrible movie.
    What I didn’t bother to notice at the time was that “Mr. Fiddlehead ” had already appeared in Carroll’s 1989 book A Child Across the Skytwo years before Drop Dead Fred was released. Somebody had recycled a plot, but it clearly wasn’t Carroll.
    The IMDB page for Drop Dead Fred credits one Elizabeth Livingston for the story. It is her only listed story credit. The script was written by Anthony Fingleton and Carlos Davis. Davis’s only other screenwriting credit is a TV children’s movie  from the early ’80s. What is he doing these days? Possibly working on the long-rumoured remake of Drop Dead Fred, his one and only big-screen effort.
    Are we dealing with out-and-out theft, or with the sort of “inspiration” that Yann Martel used to refashion Moacyr Scliar’s Max and the Cats into a slightly different (but infinitely more famous) story? That’s a judgment call. But I would absolutely love to hear Ms. Livingston, Mr. Fingleton, or Mr. Davis explain how their shitty movie somehow ended up with the central character from a story they didn’t create.
    UPDATE: After additional research, I have found that Elizabeth Livingston is a freelance writer/editor who was a book editor with Reader’s Digest for many years. She co-authored two children’s books.
    In a 1991 interview with Fantazia magazine (reproduced here), Rik Myall said of the screenwriters, “They’d been talking with a mutual friend, Elizabeth Livingston, who was writing a story based on her little daughter’s imaginary friend, Drop Dead Fred. They decided it would make a better film than series and approached me.”
    This doesn’t clear up the mystery, of course. It just establishes that Livingston was not simply the pseudonym of a writer who didn’t want to be connected to the movie.
  • Happy World UFO Day! International Business Times has a fun piece about a video hoax that involved both the secret space program and yet another alien corpse.
  • Two years after Melba Ketchum released the profoundly weird results of her Bigfoot DNA study, the group of UK researchers that was conducting a parallel study has announced its findings. Researchers at Oxford University and the Lausanne Museum of Zoology, led by Bryan Sykes, have spent the past two years analyzing 30 hair samples suspected to be from Bigfoot, Almas, and the Yeti. The upshot? Not a single hair came from an unknown animal. Most were from bears. The rest came from horses, deer, wolves, raccoon, sheep, cows, a porcupine, a human, and a tapir. Curiously, a hair sample from the Himalayas turned out to be a match for a prehistoric polar bear.
  • Mother Jones has compiled one of the largest lists of Hillary Clinton conspiracy theories ever. We’ll be seeing lots of these in the run-up to the 2016 elections. One of the latest, crafted by a JFK researcher who loves boobies, is that Chelsea Clinton is actually Webster Hubbell’s daughter. Morrow also asserts that Bill Clinton is a serial rapist, and claims that a large number of U.S. presidents (including, um, Nixon) were secretly bisexual.
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Oh my glob, a morphing .gif. HOW MUCH MORE EVIDENCE DO YOU NEED?!

 

Sandy Hook Truth, 9 months later

It has been about seven months since I first looked at the Sandy Hook Truth movement, an assortment of individuals who believe they have uncovered evidence of labyrinthine conspiracies behind the Newtown, Connecticut school massacre.
These intrepid investigators have had nearly nine months to crack the case wide open and tell us who really did the crime, and why. Let’s take a look at what they’ve found by comparing/contrasting aspects of the “official story” with some of their results. After that, I’ll list the Sandy Hook Truth movement’s best evidence.

The Official Story

On the morning of December 14, 2012, 20-year-old Adam Lanza shot and killed his mother, Nancy Lanza, in the home they shared in Newtown, Connecticut. He then drove his mother’s Honda Civic to Sandy Hook Elementary School with four semi-automatic firearms licensed to Nancy. He took three of the guns with him when he entered the school.
Using a  Bushmaster XM15-E2S rifle, he shot his way into the locked building at approximately 9:35 AM local time. Between that time and about 9:49 AM, he killed principal Dawn Hochsprung, school psychologist Mary Sherlach, teacher Natalie Hammond, first-grade teacher Victoria Soto, teacher’s aide Anne Marie Murphy, substitute first-grade teacher Lauren Rousseau, and 20 students who were 6 years old or younger. 6-year-old Dylan Hockley was autistic. Lanza shot all but two of his child victims multiples times; 6-year-old Noah Pozner was shot 11 times. All of the staff members died trying to stop the gunman or shield their students. Ms. Murphy covered Dylan Hockley’s body with her own. Throughout the school, teachers and faculty members hid children in closets and bathrooms, thereby saving an untold number of lives. 
Six children fled Ms. Soto’s classroom and escaped from the school, making their way to the driveway of a home owned by Gene Rosen.
Before police could reach him, Lanza returned to Soto’s classroom and shot himself in the head with  a Glock 10mm.
His motivation remains obscure, but Lanza reportedly suffered mental and emotional problems that left him socially isolated and unable to work full-time or complete college. Around the time of the massacre, Nancy Lanza told friends she was considering leaving New England and attempting to enroll Adam in college for a third time.
Adam had access to the weapons because his mother was an avid collector who had taught both of her sons how to shoot.

The Truther Stories

The most popular alternate theory of Sandy Hook, by far, is that it was a government operation engineered to push through restrictive gun legislation, psychologically destabilize Americans, make blood sacrifices to the Devil, and/or distract us from “more important” things that are happening.
Some Sandy Hook Truthers agree with the general outline of the official story, but suspect Lanza was a victim of government-sponsored mind control (according to one Truther, Lanza’s mind control programming could be linked to Satanism, the Illuminati and Lady Gaga).
Some Truthers think Lanza may have had accomplices, and this is not completely unsupported speculation, as Connecticut State’s Attorney Stephen Sedensky did mention other “potential suspects” when arguing that unsealing warrants in the case could compromise the investigation.
Other Truthers have floated the idea that the shooter was not Adam Lanza, but a man named Scott Vollmer. Vollmer was apparently singled out because his mother Janet taught kindergarten at Sandy Hook, and the school nurse seemingly confirmed to a reporter that the shooter’s mother taught kindergarten at the school (see “The Nurse” under Best Evidence, below). Also, Vollmer is said to be an event manager for New York mayor Michael Bloomberg, a vocal advocate for increased gun control. In reality, Vollmer was a director of special events for Bloomberg TV’s catering company, Flik International. Not exactly the guy you would handpick as an assassin.
Other alternative suspects include: A three-man Israeli hit team, the FBI, three people in a purple van, and men in the woods (whom Truthers have still not identified; see “The Man in the Woods” under Best Evidence).
But not all Truthers buy into the notion of alternate suspects. For example, YouTube user “ReviewManify” has posted a video titled “There Is No Shooter” in which he discusses – and dismisses – the Vollmer theory before telling us that there is no evidence that even one child died in Sandy Hook Elementary. Funerals and grieving parents notwithstanding, “There ain’t no proof of that.” So, no shooter. Problem…solved?
Florida professor James Tracy came under heavy criticism when he suggested basically the same thing on his Memory Hole blog, but he later clarified in an interview with Miami’s WLRN that he believes some people died at Newtown. He went on to publish his Sandy Hook articles on the website of Global Research, a Canadian outfit that has also declared the Srebrenica massacre a hoax and argued that Rwanda was really a massacre against Hutus, not Tutsis.
There are also Truthers who have argued that Adam Lanza does not exist and Sandy Hook was not actually a school.
The idea that no one died at Sandy Hook has led to the harassment of several people involved in the tragedy. The first person to come under heavy attack from Sandy Hook Truthers, strangely enough, was not a city official or a government agent. He was Gene Rosen, the retired grandfather who sheltered six escaped kids in his house until their parents arrived. For reasons I can’t even begin to fathom, some Truthers decided Mr. Rosen was not only an actor portraying a helpful Newtown resident, but could also be a pedophile, a liar, and/or a government agent. He has allegedly been harassed and slandered by conspiranoids who think he’s a paid “crisis actor” or a Satanist. The anti-Semitic wing of the Sandy Hook Truth movement is certain that Gene Rosen’s ethnicity is a key to his involvement. A YouTube user posted a music video about “creepy Gene”, to the tune of The Monkees’ “Daydream Believer”. Rosen has also reportedly received threats on his life. Yet not one shred of real evidence has been presented to back up any of these slurs. Truthers tried to prove that Rosen was a professional actor, but that turned out to be a different Gene Rosen.
The official Sandy Hook investigation is ongoing, and the final report may not be released until late autumn. But by the end of February, there was already a bumper crop of Sandy Hook conspiracy documentaries online, including Mark Howitt’s Sandy Hook: The Documentary, “Sandy Hook Massacre: A Closer Look” by Tina Charby (one of several Truthers who has pointed out “suspicious nuns” at Sandy Hook), and Sandy Hook Shooting: Fully Exposed  by “ThinkOutsidetheTV”. That last one went viral, resulting in a long Snopes entry. Press TV (Iran state television) had already decided that Israelis were probably to blame, as had retired professor and conspiracy researcher James Fetzer and the bizarro “anti-Zionist” publication Veterans Today (see Fetzer’s article “Did Mossad Death Squads Slaughter American Children at Sandy Hook?“).
The rush to judgment spawned countless red herrings, like the rumour that Adam Lanza’s father, Peter, was scheduled to testify on the Libor banking scandal at the time of the massacre (here is an example of that rumour in action, from an Infowars forum user). It turned out that Peter Lanza, a GE exec, had no link to the scandal. Max Keiser.com and Occupy Corporatism were among the alternative media outlets that worked to squash this rumour, alleging that it originated with Sorcha Faal, the same peculiar conspiracy-monger who was behind one of the least credible conspiracy theories about Michael Jackson’s death. Another red herring was that Nancy Lanza’s car was actually registered to a man named Christopher Rodia. Truthers went crazy connecting Rodia-Lanza dots (Andrew S. MacGregor even made the Rodia vehicle the linchpin of his FBI-did-Sandy-Hook theory) until blogger Joe Quinn helpfully pointed out that police-scanner references to Rodia had nothing to do with Sandy Hook.

Best evidence

I’m going to leave out the sillier evidence, like the Batman/Sandy Hook connection and the Freemasonic links and the allegations of Satanic ritual sacrifice.

Gun grab
The gun theory of Sandy Hook, which is definitely the most popular one out there, posits that the Powers That Be are so desperate to dismantle the Second Amendment and disarm the people that they stage mass shootings to help ramp up popular support for restrictive firearm legislation.
If that’s the case, then Sandy Hook was a miserable failure. The massacre actually mobilized the pro-gun community, and bills to restrict sales of semiautomatic weaponry and legislate tougher background checks for prospective gun buyers were shot down. In the end, cries of “gun confiscation” were cries of wolf.
There’s no question that elements of both the pro- and the anti-gun lobbies have exploited Sandy Hook and the Aurora incident, but there’s no smoking-gun evidence (no pun) that anyone engineered the massacre just to take away guns. By this logic, any incident involving firearms could be a staged event. And that’s exactly what “media lookalike” proponent Ed Chiarini of Dallas believes; he has stated that not one of the school shootings in the U.S. was a real event. Each and every one was faked.

Actors
The “actor” theory of Sandy Hook holds that no one actually died. The whole thing was an exquisitely stage-managed fake event in which crisis actors and/or other professional performers were hired to portray bereaved family members, eyewitnesses, and even shooting victims.
No one has managed to locate the bogus Sandy Hook students and their families. Are they in Witness Protection? Underground bunkers? Ed Chiarini believes some of them have gone back to work as actors, athletes, and performers. For instance, Robbie Parker (father of 6-year-old victim Emilie Parker) is actually skateboarder Tony Hawk, and the late Emilie is an “actress” who has also “portrayed” the daughters of Bachelorette contestant Emily Maynard and Taylor Armstrong of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Adam’s Lanza’s father, Peter, is really comedian Michael McDonald from MADtv. The part of Lt. J. Paul Vance was played by John Goodman. You get the drift. You can see more of this weirdity on Chiarini’s website.
Henry Makow, a Canadian who used to call his conspiracy site “Save the Males”, believes he can spot the actors’ “handlers” by what kind of purses they carry.
However, many Truthers, like Mark Howitt, dismiss the actor theories as absurd and divisive. Some of them have even become casualties of the theories; Dan Dicks of the Canadian alternative media outlet Press for Truth says he was accused of being a Crisis Actor at one point, and Ed Chiarini has proposed that Sonia of the Truther Girls conspiracy radio show is played by 30 Rock actress Tina Fey. In the description for one of her Sandy Hook-related videos, Sonia sensibly points out that no actor would be foolish enough to impersonate a grieving parent on national television – he/she would instantly be outed by relatives or acquaintances, and if not, recognized during auditions. There goes his/her career. In another Sandy Hook video, Sonia opines that the actor theory provides an easy target for those who wish to undermine Sandy Hook trutherism; who in their right mind is going to believe the Truthers if they go around insisting that Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmedinejad is really Henry Winkler?
Other Truthers, like James Fetzer, are willing to entertain and promote the actor theory without necessarily embracing it. As I have mentioned in my previous posts on Chiarini, I suspect “actor-based reality” theories may be rooted in the Fregoli delusion or something similar.

Sealed case documents and unreleased evidence
This is a prime example of the fallacy that if you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist. Nearly every Sandy Hook Truther has complained at some point in the last nine months that case evidence is being withheld or isn’t being released quickly enough; the authorities must either be hiding it to conceal “what really happened”, or the evidence simply doesn’t exist because nothing happened.
But it is not just the big bad authorities who don’t want the evidence released. The parents of at least three of the child victims have campaigned to prevent case evidence such as crime scene photos from being made public. Dylan Hockley’s mother, Nicole Hockley, said to a Hartford press conference, “What purpose would releasing these documents serve? The shooter is dead and in terms of checking first-responder procedures they have all the information they need. The media won’t learn anything either. I will defend this as long as possible.” Her husband Ian Hockley, Mark and Jackie Barden, and Jimmy Greene and Nelba Marquez-Greene joined her in signing a petition to block the release of certain information related to the murders of their children, including 911 calls. In a letter to the Hartford Courant, Dean Pinto (father of 6-year-old victim Jack Pinto) also urged that the photos and calls not be made public.

If you have to wonder why parents would want to keep crime scene photos and case documents out of the hands of the media, think back to the JonBenet Ramsey case. Did the media use discretion in their handling of autopsy photos and 911 calls? The Globe tabloid triumphantly published six leaked autopsy photos, in full colour. Would you like to see death photos of your murdered child, or friend, or niece, as you stand in line at the grocery store or flip through channels?

The nurse
An unassuming school nurse named Sally Cox has become a central figure in Sandy Hook conspiracy theories.
Because of a large divorce settlement and her son’s educational needs (Adam was mostly homeschooled), Nancy Lanza was not employed. Nonetheless, there were (erroneous) reports that she worked as a schoolteacher. This led to a great deal of confusion in the wake of her son’s spree killings, because there were (erroneous) reports that she was (or had been) employed as a kindergarten teacher at Sandy Hook Elementary. There were even (erroneous) reports that Nancy had called in sick that day, and Adam targeted the class she usually taught. Later, there were reports that Nancy may have been a volunteer teacher’s aide for Adam’s class at the school, years earlier.
On the night of December 14, WUSA reporter Andrea McCarren approached Ms. Cox and asked her if she knew the shooter’s mother. Cox affirmed that she did. McCarren then asked her if his mother was known to be a good kindergarten teacher, and Ms. Cox said that she was a very loving woman, good with the children.
Her response truly is a bit baffling, because we now know that Nancy Lanza never worked as a teacher at all, anywhere (she was a stockbroker back in the ’90s). Nor has it been confirmed that she volunteered at Sandy Hook when Adam was enrolled there. It’s quite possible that Cox knew Nancy, but that has never been confirmed, either. Truthers would pounce on this flawed report and some minor inconsistencies in Cox’s accounts of that day, but what does any of it prove? Even if the school nurse lied about knowing Nancy Lanza and/or seeing the gunman – and I’m certainly not saying she did – that would not be evidence of conspiracy.
Another red herring popped up when Truthers revealed that no one named Sally Cox was registered as a nurse in the state, not knowing that “Sally” is an old-fashioned nickname for “Sarah”. Sarah Cox is, indeed, a fully-qualified and registered nurse in the state of Connecticut, and has been employed at Sandy Hook for over 15 years.

The guns and inaccurate media reports 
Initially, there was a lot of confusion as to which guns Lanza used, and where they were found. Sandy Hook Truthers hold up a few apparent discrepancies in the earliest media reports as solid evidence that the entire official story is a sham, ignoring the fact that early reports are often inaccurate. At first, Adam’s older brother Ryan (who was not even in Newtown on the morning of December 14) was reported to be the shooter (which helped spawn conspiracy theories, of course).
There has been extensive analysis of the media gaffes and spectacularly shoddy reporting that occurred in the hours after the massacre (see, for instance, Paul Farhi’s piece in the Washington Post). In my opinion, the bad reporting on that day serves as evidence against a cover-up, because a massive conspiracy would have micromanaged the media, feeding reporters carefully selected tidbits. Instead, it was the usual media free-for-all, with news outlets so desperate to get something – anything – into print or on the air that they seized upon rumours heard from bystanders, statements taken from traumatized witnesses, and other unreliable sources. This is reflective of a general decline in media standards, as far as I’m concerned, but that’s a whole other post.
Some early reports indicated that only two guns had been found inside the school; this was later amended to three guns, with a fourth left in Nancy Lanza’s car. To make things more confusing, some reports stated all four guns were inside the school, and NBC’s Today Show reported that Lanza shot his victims only with handguns.
These early-report errors were soon straightened out, but the Sandy Hook Truthers continue to use them as a foundation rock of their theories. You can see an example of this in a Veterans Today article by Jim Fetzer and Dennis Cimino, in which they highlight “the Bushmaster hoax”.

Emilie Parker’s Dad
Robbie Parker has been raked over the coals by every Sandy Hook Truther on the planet. Why? Because he laughed, and then cried, at a press conference. That’s pretty much it. He was laughing at something when he approached the mic to speak about his murdered 6-year-old daughter, but within seconds he was weeping and speaking emotionally about what his family was going through. Truthers decided this was a performance. Some even suggested that Emilie wasn’t dead at all; she posed with the President days later (this was actually Madeline Parker, one of Emilie’s two younger sisters).
While excoriating the rest of us for buying into the media’s epic lies, Truthers have whittled the entire spectrum of human emotion down to “sad” and “not sad” – if you exhibit both, you’re screwed. You will be permanently branded a member of the conspiracy. This has happened not just to Robbie Parker, but to several other parents of Sandy Hook victims. The Sandy Hook Hoax website maintained by Jay “New Age Messiah” Johnson has an entire page dedicated to exposing them.
For those who accept the “crisis actors” theory, there is an intriguing paradox here: Wouldn’t professional actors be more convincing than actual grief-stricken people? An actor would already be in character before the cameras even started rolling. Authentic emotion, however, obeys no such rules. Many times, I have seen tears and laughter at funerals and memorial services.
Like the actor theory, this “not sad enough” line of reasoning doesn’t cut it with all Truthers. Sonia of the Truther Girls observed in one of her Sandy Hook videos that it’s difficult to judge people’s emotional responses to the loss of a child, particularly if we haven’t experienced such loss ourselves.

The coroner
Truthers like James F. Tracy point to the answers given by Connecticut Chief Medical Examiner H. Wayne Carver during a December 15, 2012 press conference (see video below)  as proof that he didn’t really do a thorough job of examining the victims’ bodies, if he did so at all. An editor at Global Research finds it “startling” that Carver only conducted seven of the autopsies himself, though it is far from unusual for assistant coroners to do autopsies, particularly when there are mass deaths.
Carver’s answers are rather peculiar, and his behaviour strikes me as awkward and odd, but there’s nothing here that can’t be chalked up to fatigue, and/or a reluctance to reveal information that the police didn’t want to reveal yet. From Carver’s comments, it seems he has had some bad experiences with courtroom testimony in the past and is painfully aware that committing yourself publicly to anything can have serious repercussions. For instance, he knows it would be improper to speculate about the weapons, since that isn’t technically within his field of expertise. Truthers make much of his statement that he doesn’t know if the children were standing or seated when they were struck, but without knowing the layout of the classrooms and the relative positions of the shooter and the victims, that’s not something that can always be determined at autopsy.
In keeping with his “crisis actors” theory, Ed Chiarini attempted to prove that H. Wayne Carver is actually the late “Mafia hitman” Richard “Ice Man” Kuklinski, who died in prison in 2006.


The man in the woods
This is one of the genuine enigmas in the case. A WABC news helicopter captured footage of at least one adult male, dressed in camouflage, dashing through a wooded area close to the school, being pursued by police officers. This occurred around 12:24, over two and a half hours after the shooting stopped, according to the ABC News timeline of events. Who was this man?
We know that there were at least two arrests at the school immediately after the shootings – Chris Manfredonia, father of a first-grade student, was apprehended near the school and briefly detained. He reportedly said he was en route to his daughter’s classroom when he heard shooting, so he remained outside the building. A second unidentified man was also briefly detained, and police determined him to be a bystander, according to Snopes. Either of these individuals could be the man that one student reportedly saw handcuffed on the ground near the school.

But the man in the woods remains an unknown. According to the last sentence of a December 27 article in the Newtown Bee, a law enforcement source stated the man in the woods had a gun and was an off-duty tactical squad (SWAT) officer from “another town”. No Truthers have confirmed this, nor have they uncovered the man’s identity, so we have no idea why he was there or why he was apparently running away from police. One witness, seen in this video, told a reporter that he and other observers saw a handcuffed man in camo pants being led out of the woods and placed in a police car. Was this Camo Man, or someone else?
One theory holds that Manfredonia is Camo Man, but why he would be fleeing into the woods has not been explained.

Adam Lanza’s death certificate and inaccurate date stamps
Truthers accessed an electronic version of Adam Lanza’s death certificate (the Social Security Death Index Record) via geneology websites like Ancestry.com and Geneology Bank, and breathlessly reported that Lanza died on December 13…one day before the massacre. Truthers like Jeffrey Phelps are aware that this date is probably a typographical error that might not even exist on the original document, but that doesn’t stop them from presenting it as evidence.

One of the most popular pieces of Truther evidence is that some of the webpages created on behalf of Sandy Hook families seem to have existed prior to the shootings. For example, the United Way Sandy Hook support fund was created three days before the massacre, according to the Google timestamp. But as a Salon article points out, wonky timestamps are more the rule than the exception; one Fox News article on Sandy Hook is dated by Google as having been published in 1983. That’s 13 years before Fox News existed, and 9 years before Adam Lanza was born. Also, webpages are sometimes repurposed.

The drill
Since 9/11, conspiracy researchers have embraced Webster Tarpley’s theory (outlined in his book 9/11 Synthetic Terror: Made in USA) that training exercises and drills conducted by law enforcement and military personnel are sometimes used to mask false flag attacks. They will point to training exercises that occurred in proximity to a real event as evidence that someone in authority knew all about it in advance. During a January 18 interview on The Alex Jones Show, for instance, James Tracy said the Newtown massacre was a “drill that went live”. Holocaust revisionist Nick Kollerstrom, in a Veterans Today piece written with Fetzer, attempted to draw parallels between Sandy Hook and the 7/7 bombings in London, another “drill that went live”. Somewhat paradoxically, Kollerstrom opens his article by introducing the possibility that the Newtown shootings didn’t actually happen.

Here’s the deal: On the day of the Sandy Hook shootings, an “active shooter drill” was being conducted at a school in the community of Carmel, New York, by the Putnam County Emergency Response Team (ERT), a unit comprised of specially-trained officers from the sheriff’s office and two area police departments (Carmel and Kent).  This, presumably, is the drill that Tracy contends “went live”.
But that doesn’t seem to be the case at all. Two days after Sandy Hook, the Southeast Brewster Patch newspaper reported that the drill was part of regular ERT training, and that the Putnam County ERT commander had phoned Newtown police to offer ERT assistance at the school. He was told the ERT would not be needed, since police had already secured the scene. Nonetheless, Truthers insist the ERT must have been involved. The team even plays a key role in an alternate timeline of Sandy Hook events compiled by Andrew S. MacGregor – though McGregor doesn’t present any actual evidence documenting ERT presence at the scene, because his scenario is wholly speculative.

Truthers have also responded negatively to a FEMA course offered under the auspices of the Division of Emergency Management and Homeland Security (part of Connecticut’s Division of Emergency Services and Public Protection), titled “Planning for the Needs of Children in Disasters”, that was held six times in November and December 2012, including on the day of the Sandy Hook shootings. Frankly, I don’t know what this has to do with the massacre. The course deals not just with school violence, but with natural disasters, fires, and other emergency situations that could befall any school at any time. I view this as another red herring.

Henry Makow and others have catalogued “evidence” that Sandy Hook was part of some other, unspecified, drill.

The Bottom Line

The Sandy Hook Truthers will continue their investigative efforts, but this will probably be the last post I devote solely to their results. I have five good reasons for this:

1. Twenty children and six women are dead, beyond question. Adam Lanza is dead, beyond question. Nancy Lanza is dead, beyond question. I have not seen any persuasive evidence that the key figures in the investigation are not who they say they are. Keep in mind that hoaxes involving even one fake person always collapse under their own weight. Look at the Manti Te’o girlfriend hoax, the Kuwaiti incubator babies fraud, and the Catfish case; they were all exposed by just a few diligent people within weeks.
2. The Second Amendment is firmly intact.
3. The noise-to-signal ratio is incredibly high in the world of Sandy Hook Truth. Red herrings vastly outnumber genuine leads. After nine months, we still don’t have viable alternate suspects, smoking-gun evidence of a conspiracy, or anything else of substance. The majority of the Truthers have never been to Connecticut and have not spoken to anyone close to the case.
4. Truthers working in multiple countries have not yet supplied answers to the few unanswered questions that remain about the tragedy. If they can’t even figure out who Camo Man was, I doubt they could expose an epic false flag operation.
5. Bizarre, groundless conspiracy theories pop up after every mass shooting, as I discussed in another post.

Wednesday Weirdness Roundup

The Black Death was caused by aliens, the UN hates your herb garden, and robots want to sexually harass you. Happy Wednesday!

cute_kawaii_robot_by_trubuteofdistrict13

  • This week’s Tea Party lesson: The best way to forestall thuggery is to become a thug. Many believe the UN’s Agenda 21 environmental sustainability program is the uber-conspiracy to end all conspiracies. According to various theories, it will outlaw veggie gardens, confiscate private property, force everyone to move into cities, kill off useless eaters, and maybe even turn us into those human batteries stored in strawberry Jell-O. Glenn Beck has written a horror novel about it, Alex Jones has twigged out over it, and one Oklahoman has reached his breaking point. Al Gerhart, co-founder of the Sooner Tea Party, is so eager to see his state’s anti-Agenda 21 House Bill 1412 passed that he threatened to dig up dirt on Senator Cliff Branan and basically blackmail him into getting it read, sending Branan a creepy-ass email in which he stated Branan would “regret it” if he didn’t do his best to push the bill through the House.
    1412 had only been on the shelf for two weeks. Thanks to Gerhart’s impatience, his entire party is now under investigation by the state Bureau of Investigation, and the sponsor of Bill 1412 pulled it after Gerhart publicly accused Sen. Branan of having an extramarital affair. Nice work. Now Oklahomans may never be able to grow carrots ever again.
  • Aliens disguised as Grim Reapers may have been responsible for the spread of bubonic plague? And they might do it again? Makes sense.
  • You’ve probably seen photos and videos of the Japanese robot that looks somewhat like a giant, mint-green Lego man, scooping up realistic dummies and setting them down someplace else. That’s basically all this particular robot is programmed to do. His designers hope he’s the prototype for a sort of robotic homecare/nursing assistant that will be able to move disabled and elderly patients into and out of beds. But somehow, in the goofy twilight world that is the Internet, “Kenji” the lifting robot has become a psychotic stalker. Beginning shortly after the robot’s unveiling in 2009, stories like this one at Gizmodo claimed Kenji was “programmed to love”, but went off the rails and began obsessively pursuing and molesting a female lab worker. Not sure how “aimless groping” got confused with “love”, but it doesn’t really matter – the Kenji story is bunk, of course. We love robots. They don’t love us. And “Kenji” is actually RI-MAN, created not by Toshiba but by RIKEN (their latest lifting robot, created in collaboration with Tokai Rubber Industries, reminds me a little of the freaky teddy bears in Duckman). For some reason, the stalkerbot story just won’t die, and Brian Merchant of Vice’s Motherboard blog has done some digging to find out where it began. Where did the name Kenji come from? Well, probably this unfortunate dude – one of the first known robot murder victims.

If you combine these stories, you get the heartwarming Pixar sequel in which WALL-E and EVE settle down on a farm, only to have that cute little tree EVE planted uprooted by officious UN bureaucrats, and all their radicchio and parsnips destroyed by plague-spraying Grim Reapers from Mars.

Wednesday Weirdness Roundup: The Top 10 Conspiracy Theories About Popes and/or the Vatican

popemark

The retirement of Benedict XVI has unleashed a shit-tonne of conspiracy theories. In a March 1 interview with Howard Stern, Alex Jones declared Benedict stepped down because of “transvestite orgies”. Others insist pedophilia must be involved, though there is scant evidence to support that. There’s also talk of a secret dossier about clerical misdeeds, last year’s “Vatileaks” scandal, and Vatican money laundering. What the conspiranoids aren’t talking about is Benedict’s advanced age, or the fact that he attempted to retire three times before being elected pope.

Conspiracy theories about the pope and the Vatican are so easy to believe, in large part, because the Vatican of the twentieth and twenty-first centuries has been visited by more than its share of conspiracies, cover-ups, and scandals:

  • The very establishment of Vatican City as an independent state may have been based on a forgery, the Donation of Constantine.
  • During WWII, several high-ranking Nazis were able to flee Europe with Vatican passports, thanks to a sympathetic bishop.
  • In the early ’70s, a minor investigation by the New York City district attorney’s racketeering squad led to the discovery that organized crime figures had trafficked millions in dollars worth of stolen and forged stocks all over the world…and roughly $1 billion of those bogus stocks resided in Vatican Bank vaults (see Richard Hammer’s The Vatican Connection).
  • A decade later, powerful Vatican officials were found to be part of a vast banking scheme that involved fictitious financial institutions, controlled from behind the scenes by the sinister Licio Gelli and members of his faux Masonic lodge, Propaganda Due (P2).
  • Recently, it has come to light that the cover-up of child molestation within the Catholic Church went all the way up to the Vatican.
  • Then there is the abduction of 15-year-old Emanuela Orlandi from the Vatican in 1983, which was badly mishandled by Vatican authorities, likely leading to the girl’s murder.
  • Then we have the tragic worldwide legacy of residential/industrial schools, magdalenes, and Catholic-run orphanages. From 1950 until the early ’70s, Irish nuns sold infants on a first-come, first-served basis (see Mike Milotte’s Banished Babies: The Secret History of Ireland’s Baby Export Business).

Add to this a couple of Dan Brown novels, anti-Catholic frauds like the Taxil hoax and The Awful Disclosures of Maria Monk, and a parade of memorable Catholic villains in film and literature, and it’s no wonder so many non-Catholics are willing to believe the worst.

Leaving aside the more outré conspiracy theories, like Leo Zagami‘s Illuminati/Satanism nonsense about the Jesuits and the Pope being able to summon demons (aliens) from other dimensions and Ed Chiarini’s belief that Benedict is actually Robert Blake, here are the Top 10 Conspiracy Theories About the Pope and/or the Vatican:

10. There was a female pope. The fable that one pope was actually a woman in disguise first surfaced in a thirteenth-century chronicle written by the Dominican historian Jean Mailly. Mailly recorded that in 1099, a pope went into labour whilst mounting “his” horse, and was subsequently dragged and stoned to death by the outraged citizens of Rome. Accounts written later in the same century can’t agree on a date for “Pope Joan‘s” or “Pope Joanna’s” rule, and today most historians realize that the recorded popes were the only popes. There simply isn’t a mysterious two-year gap in which Joan/Joanna could have served.
The legend of a lady pope spawned another legend that still persists, though: That each new pope must submit to a gender test in which an examiner feels his privates to ensure he has well-formed testicles. This test even appears in the very first episode of The Borgias, when Rodrigo Borgia/Alexander VI (Jeremy Irons) resignedly sits on a toilet-like chair so a papal lackey can thrust a hand beneath his gown and declare “Habet duos testiculos et bene pendentes (he has two well-hung testicles)!”. However, there is no evidence that gender exams have ever been conducted on popes.
9. The Soviet Union and/or the CIA was behind the attempted assassination of John Paul II in 1981. Even though would-be assassin Ali Agca was Turkish, Soviet involvement was something John Paul himself reportedly suspected at one time, as Russia was certainly not pleased with his support of the Solidarity labour movement in Poland. The problem with this theory is that not even the so-called “Bulgarian connection” initially described by Agca has been confirmed, much less a KGB plot.
8. The Third Secret of Fatima was suppressed for years, and/or the publicly revealed Third Secret was fabricated because the real Secret is too explosive. The three child seers of Fatima were entrusted with three secrets by the Virgin Mary, but it was not until WWII erupted that the only surviving seer, Lucia Santos, revealed the contents of the first two secrets and wrote down the third. Pope Pius XII expressed no interest in the Third Secret until 1957, and even then merely squirreled it away in a safe without reading it. It wasn’t until 1980 that John Paul II told a small audience in Germany that the Third Secret involved an epic disaster that would kill millions – possibly a nuclear holocaust. Yet he waited a full 20 years to have the Third Secret published, after revealing it had foretold his own attempted assassination.
Some Catholics still weren’t satisfied. They decried the published Third Secret as a fake, insisting the real secret was too politically sensitive and/or damaging to the Church to be revealed. Others pointed out that Lucia wanted the secret to be published before 1960, meaning the Church had suppressed it for over 40 years.
7. The “black pope” of the Jesuit order is the true ruler of the Vatican and/or the world. Jesuits have long been the favourite target of anti-Catholic crusaders, and conspiracy theories about their shady doings abound. In some conspiranoid circles, it is believed the general of the Jesuit order is secretly revered as the “black pope”, and that it is he – rather than the dude in the hat – who controls the Vatican. Here is just one of many recent examples of this theory.
6. The Knights of Malta, headquartered in the Vatican, control the world, and Opus Dei is a cult-like organization that is trying to extend its tentacles into every major government on the planet. Robert Anton Wilson was perhaps the foremost modern proponent of the idea that the Knights of Malta exert a massively disproportionate influence on world events, and were behind everything from Nazi infiltration of the CIA to the Vatican bank scandals of the ’70s and ’80s (see his article in a 1989 issue of Spin, for example). David Icke has speculated that Benedict was “fired” by the Knights of Malta. Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code, with its Opus Dei villains and ancient conspiracies, gave expression to concerns about the cult-like devotion and prominence of Opus Dei members.
It’s true that Opus Dei and the KoM contain many powerful, highly-placed members, but Catholic “secret societies” don’t seem to be any more dangerous than other fraternal organizations.
5. Pope Pius XII was complicit in the Holocaust. Catholic writer John Cornwell has even gone so far as to dub him “Hitler’s Pope” in his 1999 book of the same name. However, many commentators have discredited Cornwell’s claims, pointing out that Pius XII spoke out against the persecution of German Jews and was not sympathetic to the Nazi cause. Even Cornwell has conceded that Pius’s “scope of action” was very limited in regard to Hitler.
4. “The EU is a means of undoing the Reformation and extending Vatican sovereignty over Britain”. So reads the title of an opinion piece by Adrian Hilton published in the 30 August 2003 issue of The Spectator. Hilton (along with a few like-minded critics of the European Union) contends that the establishment of the EU fell perfectly in line with the Church’s aim for a one-world religion, or at least a pan-European one. But Catholic hegemony has not materialized in Europe over the past decade, and is incredibly unlikely to do so in the foreseeable future.
3. Islam was invented by the Catholic Church as a means of controlling Middle Eastern peoples. This bit of WTFery comes from Alberto Rivera via Christian pamphleteer Jack Chick, the same guy who brought us John Todd and Edna “I Married Satan” Moses.
Rivera was a Spanish Christian who in the ’70s began claiming that, during his time as a Jesuit priest, he learned from his superiors that Muhammad had been conned by priests and nuns into believing he was the prophet of a new religion. Their aim was to destroy the Jews and non-Catholic Christians of the world, paving the way for Catholicism as the one-world religion (see Chick’s comic-book tract The Prophet).
He also alleged the Church faked the Fatima apparitions, created Nazism, and killed JFK (among other things).
When Rivera realized the Church was also behind Freemasonry, he left the priesthood and denounced Catholicism. As payback, the Jesuits abducted and tortured him.
Chick was so taken with Rivera’s tale of Catholic treachery that he turned it into a fawning biography and several comic-book tracts. Other, more diligent, Christians subsequently discovered that Rivera had never even been a priest.
2. John Paul I was murdered. In his 1984 book In God’s Name, David Yallop contends that the “smiling pope”, who died just 33 days after taking office, was killed, probably because he was planning to dismiss and/or excommunicate high-ranking officials who were also Freemasons, investigate the massively corrupt Vatican Bank, replace Chicago cardinal John Cody, and permit Catholic women to use artificial birth control.
The Vatican tried to counter Yallop’s claims by commissioning Catholic author John Cornwell to write his own book on John Paul I’s death. Cornwell disappointed them by publishing A Thief in the Night, which argues that although John Paul may have died from a pulmonary embolism, people close to John Paul I tampered with his body after discovering it.
1. The pope is not the pope. The pope is a powerful guy, so it shouldn’t be any surprise that there are dozens of pretenders to the hat, known as “antipopes” or “conclavists”. These faux popes often lead small, cultish sects. The French-Canadian Apostles of Infinite Love were led by two popes, one of whom was under investigation for an array of alleged extortion and sex-abuse offenses for 34 years. The Palmarian Church in Spain has had three popes since 1978, and also declared its own saints and martyrs (including, inexplicably, Pope Paul VI). Until their last pope died in 2011, he had some competition from another Spaniard named Joaquín Llorens, who made himself Pope Alexander IX in 2005. There’s even a pope in Kansas – David Bawden. Bawden claims there hasn’t been a legitimate Roman pope since Pius XII, and in 1990 (at the relatively tender age of 30) was “elected” pope by a conclave of laypeople that included himself and his parents, Kennett and Tickie Bawden (owners of a thrift store called The Question Mark). Bawden calls himself Pope Michael I. His Apostolic Palace is a rundown farmhouse he shares with his mom.
The creepiest of these pretenders is the Australian cult leader William Kamm, a thrice-convicted sex offender who says he is Benedict’s rightful successor. He also seems to think John Paul II will be bodily resurrected at some point.

Thanks to Schwarherz for venturing into the wacky world of antipopes.

Wednesday Weirdness Roundup

Fake nuns with fake Anthrax, real vampires, UN conspiranoia, hateful lies about hate speech, and Bigfoot’s disgusting ancestry

  • After years of top-secret lab work, Dr. Melba Ketchum has announced the results of her DNA analysis of alleged Bigfoot hair and tissue samples (including, perhaps, the “Bigfoot steak” that was central to the Sierra Kills hoax). The upshot: Bigfoot isn’t an ape or a human. It’s descended from an unknown primate and a human female, who mated about 15,000 years ago. Ew. Ketchum is calling for Bigfoot to be afforded full Constitutional rights, as an aboriginal. Best title about this, to date: “Boffin claims Bigfoot DNA reveals BESTIAL BONKING“. Not even avid Sasqwatchers are wholefootedly accepting Ketchum’s results, though; Bigfoot Lunch Club, for instance, shares a few of the same reasonable doubts expressed by the Houston Chronicle‘s “SciGuy”, Eric Berger (and the rest of the scientific community).
  • In the Serbian village of Zarozje, a different inhuman beast is supposed to be amuck. The mayor and the village council have warned locals that Zarozje’s legendary vampire, Sava Savanovic, might be pissed off and looking for blood now that the abandoned mill where he has dwelt for years untold has finally collapsed. In all apparent seriousness, officials have advised villagers to stock up on garlic and religious paraphernalia to keep Savanovic at bay. But given the vampire’s tourist appeal, garlic might not be the only thing that smells in Zarozje…
  • “Big Brother is watching, and he really is gay.” That’s the title of a chapter in Dr. Michael Brown’s book A Queer Thing Happened to America. In a recent webcast of an interview with Brown, Rick Joyner of MorningStar Ministries claimed that at a Christian conference he attended in Switzerland last summer, Swiss attendees refused to use the words “wife” or “husband” to describe their spouses. Instead, they used the word “partner”.  Asked why, a Swiss man supposedly informed Joyner that gender-specific titles for your significant other are classified as hate speech in Switzerland; you can actually go to jail for saying you have a wife or a husband. I’m calling BS on this one. Such radical restrictions on free speech would raise an international outcry, and there simply isn’t one. Either Joyner was misinformed, or he’s lying. His claims are remarkably similar to hate crime urban legends and misinformation that have been circulating in the Christian community for years: Hate crime legislation will prevent pastors from preaching against homosexuality, gays are trying to ban straight marriage, legislation could forbid homeschooling parents from sharing their opinions on gay marriage with their kids, etc.
    When it comes to human rights, gays are not at the top of the list, as a particularly nasty bit of proposed legislation in Uganda shows.
  • The last time I wrote about fake nuns, there was a serial killer/cult leader involved. This time, a fake nun in England simply sent some white powder to politicians and aristocrats because she was annoyed by their worship of Satan. Over the summer and autumn, 71-year-old “Sister” Ruth Augustus mailed envelopes stuffed with some harmless substance to Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg, Baroness Scotland, Baroness Kennedy, and MP Edward Leigh.  On the envelopes Augustus had written “devil worshipping”, “freemason”, “sex with 30 plus women”, “stop this evil devil worshipping”, and “stop these evil devil-worshipping freemasons.” The one addressed to Baroness Scotland also bore a swastika.  Augustus refers to herself as a disabled Catholic nun who works for a children’s charity, but she does not actually belong to any Catholic order, and does not seem to be employed by any charity organization.  For sending “noxious substances” through the mail, she has been ordered to undergo mental health treatment and serve a two-year community order.
  •  Also this autumn, the entire town of Gypsum, Colorado, rallied behind a 9-year-old cancer patient named Alex Jordan, a boy no one in the community had ever met. According to a Jordan family friend, Alex’s parents relocated to Gypsum earlier this year so the boy could spend his final days in the mountains. He was dying of leukemia, after defeating it two years earlier. From his hospital bed, Alex enthusiastically followed the local high school football team, the Eagle Valley Devils, over the Internet. As soon as they learned about their number one fan, team members signed a football for Alex, began displaying the letter A on their helmets, and even wrote his name on the fence that surrounds their field. Soon, hundreds of other locals joined a Facebook page in support of Alex. When they learned at the end of October that Alex had died, Gypsum residents mourned the brave little boy who had become the Devils’ unofficial mascot. But, as in the cases of Kaycee Nicole Swenson, Jonathan Jay White, and Anthony Godby Johnson, a few people wondered why no one had actually seen this kid or his parents. The only individual with a known connection to the Jordan family was that mysterious family friend who had first mentioned him to local reporters and football parents, 22-year-old Briana Augustenborg. As it turned out, Augustenborg had created “Alex” out of thin air, for reasons that are not entirely clear (she didn’t attempt to raise any money, and didn’t accept any gifts or donations). Alex Jordan now joins a long list of cancer-related hoaxes that preyed upon the tenderhearted.
  • Meanwhile, UN conspiracy theories are in full bloom – and they’re actually getting a bit of mainstream attention. A small but vocal coalition of U.S. senators led by Rick Santorum is opposing ratification of the UN Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities, arguing that it will impinge upon parental rights, if not actually make every disabled child a ward of the New World Order global superstate (a view shared by the Home School Legal Defense Association and other homeschooling advocates). Other Republicans have succumbed to Agenda 21 paranoia, believing the UN and Obama are conspiring to forcibly relocate rural dwellers, and/or control their minds.

I would love to combine all these stories into a TV series about a gay, undead Bigfoot. He must defeat a bogus nun who pretends to have cancer and sends hate mail to the UN.

 

Wednesday Weirdness Roundup

space

  • Leah Haley was by far one of the most interesting alien abductees on the scene today. She has a couple of firsts to her credit: She was the first to write a children’s book designed to help kids view their alien abductions as positive, edifying experiences, and she was the first to claim she was inside an alien spacecraft when it was shot down by the U.S. military. Now, however, Haley believes that every last one of her “alien” encounters was actually a military abduction, or MILAB. In March, she told UFO blogger Jack Brewer that none of it was real; it was all a cover for government mind control experimentation. Farewell, Ceto.
  • In related news, Charles Hickson passed away on September 9. Hickson was involved in one of the strangest UFO encounters ever reported, the Pascagoula incident of 1973. He and his 19-year-old fishing buddy, Calvin Parker, were supposedly levitated into a spaceship and examined by eyeless, carrot-nosed aliens.
  • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and his government leaders are proof positive that once you deny the Holocaust (or any major, well-documented historical event, for that matter), you no longer have to live in reality. In June, he declared that Sakineh Mohammadi Ashtiani, the Iranian woman sentenced to stoning for adultery in 2006, wasn’t really given a death sentence – that was all a media hoax. An Iranian official had already tried to stifle the worldwide outcry against Ashtiani’s sentence by stating, in contradiction to all previous statements, that Ashtiani was also convicted of murdering her husband (she was actually acquitted). And Youcef Nedarkhani, the Christian minister sentenced to death for blasphemy against Islam? He’s really on trial for rape and extortion, even though the court documents only mention blasphemy.
  • Face discovered in testicular tumour“. Stay classy, Telegraph.
  • Who is the artist known as the Philadelphia Wireman? His or her enigmatic metal sculptures were salvaged from the trash in the early ’80s, and since that time there have been murmurs that they’re a hoax perpetrated by John Ollman of the Fleischer/Ollman Gallery. The Wireman’s pieces are currently on display there.

Wednesday Weirdness Roundup

Australian toilet vampires, yo.

  • The Too Much Time on Their Hands Award goes to the group of archeology students who supposedly saw a UFO last week while digging for Bigfoot remains in Kemerovo Province, Russia.
  • When it comes to weirdness, Henry Makow’s Save the Males website is a goldmine. And today’s top story doesn’t disappoint: Two Australian MPs give each other a “Masonic handshake” while Prime Minister Julia Gillard – a “Satanic lodge head” and “toilet vampiress” – looks on approvingly. WTF is a toilet vampiress, and what do toilets have to do with Satanism? This letter to Makow from Aloysius Fozdyke explains it all. You may recall that Fozdyke, an actual Satanist, made up a deathbed confession by a fictional Satanist he called Frater 616. Apparently he did this for some giggles, but Makow takes The Order of the Toilet very seriously. Incidentally, I don’t care what Masons do with their hands.
  • I guess this was bound to happen: The Obama Body Count. The good news is, it’s completely bogus. Victims include the author of a nonexistent book (Jihad at the Voting Box), several names that lead exactly nowhere, a childhood classmate of Obama who was supposedly murdered when Obama was 9 years old (“since Islam demands that a boy spill another’s blood before the age of ten”), people connected to Reverend Wright and Larry Sinclair (one of whom died when Obama was 11), and a guy named Gandy Baugh who also appeared on the Clinton Body Count lists. They also have the wrong name for the D.C. Madam (and fail to explain why Obama was responsible for her suicide). Several conservative sites posted this email in 2008, and still refuse to accept that it’s not legit.