Wednesday Weirdness Roundup

Fake nuns with fake Anthrax, real vampires, UN conspiranoia, hateful lies about hate speech, and Bigfoot’s disgusting ancestry

  • After years of top-secret lab work, Dr. Melba Ketchum has announced the results of her DNA analysis of alleged Bigfoot hair and tissue samples (including, perhaps, the “Bigfoot steak” that was central to the Sierra Kills hoax). The upshot: Bigfoot isn’t an ape or a human. It’s descended from an unknown primate and a human female, who mated about 15,000 years ago. Ew. Ketchum is calling for Bigfoot to be afforded full Constitutional rights, as an aboriginal. Best title about this, to date: “Boffin claims Bigfoot DNA reveals BESTIAL BONKING“. Not even avid Sasqwatchers are wholefootedly accepting Ketchum’s results, though; Bigfoot Lunch Club, for instance, shares a few of the same reasonable doubts expressed by the Houston Chronicle‘s “SciGuy”, Eric Berger (and the rest of the scientific community).
  • In the Serbian village of Zarozje, a different inhuman beast is supposed to be amuck. The mayor and the village council have warned locals that Zarozje’s legendary vampire, Sava Savanovic, might be pissed off and looking for blood now that the abandoned mill where he has dwelt for years untold has finally collapsed. In all apparent seriousness, officials have advised villagers to stock up on garlic and religious paraphernalia to keep Savanovic at bay. But given the vampire’s tourist appeal, garlic might not be the only thing that smells in Zarozje…
  • “Big Brother is watching, and he really is gay.” That’s the title of a chapter in Dr. Michael Brown’s book A Queer Thing Happened to America. In a recent webcast of an interview with Brown, Rick Joyner of MorningStar Ministries claimed that at a Christian conference he attended in Switzerland last summer, Swiss attendees refused to use the words “wife” or “husband” to describe their spouses. Instead, they used the word “partner”.  Asked why, a Swiss man supposedly informed Joyner that gender-specific titles for your significant other are classified as hate speech in Switzerland; you can actually go to jail for saying you have a wife or a husband. I’m calling BS on this one. Such radical restrictions on free speech would raise an international outcry, and there simply isn’t one. Either Joyner was misinformed, or he’s lying. His claims are remarkably similar to hate crime urban legends and misinformation that have been circulating in the Christian community for years: Hate crime legislation will prevent pastors from preaching against homosexuality, gays are trying to ban straight marriage, legislation could forbid homeschooling parents from sharing their opinions on gay marriage with their kids, etc.
    When it comes to human rights, gays are not at the top of the list, as a particularly nasty bit of proposed legislation in Uganda shows.
  • The last time I wrote about fake nuns, there was a serial killer/cult leader involved. This time, a fake nun in England simply sent some white powder to politicians and aristocrats because she was annoyed by their worship of Satan. Over the summer and autumn, 71-year-old “Sister” Ruth Augustus mailed envelopes stuffed with some harmless substance to Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg, Baroness Scotland, Baroness Kennedy, and MP Edward Leigh.  On the envelopes Augustus had written “devil worshipping”, “freemason”, “sex with 30 plus women”, “stop this evil devil worshipping”, and “stop these evil devil-worshipping freemasons.” The one addressed to Baroness Scotland also bore a swastika.  Augustus refers to herself as a disabled Catholic nun who works for a children’s charity, but she does not actually belong to any Catholic order, and does not seem to be employed by any charity organization.  For sending “noxious substances” through the mail, she has been ordered to undergo mental health treatment and serve a two-year community order.
  •  Also this autumn, the entire town of Gypsum, Colorado, rallied behind a 9-year-old cancer patient named Alex Jordan, a boy no one in the community had ever met. According to a Jordan family friend, Alex’s parents relocated to Gypsum earlier this year so the boy could spend his final days in the mountains. He was dying of leukemia, after defeating it two years earlier. From his hospital bed, Alex enthusiastically followed the local high school football team, the Eagle Valley Devils, over the Internet. As soon as they learned about their number one fan, team members signed a football for Alex, began displaying the letter A on their helmets, and even wrote his name on the fence that surrounds their field. Soon, hundreds of other locals joined a Facebook page in support of Alex. When they learned at the end of October that Alex had died, Gypsum residents mourned the brave little boy who had become the Devils’ unofficial mascot. But, as in the cases of Kaycee Nicole Swenson, Jonathan Jay White, and Anthony Godby Johnson, a few people wondered why no one had actually seen this kid or his parents. The only individual with a known connection to the Jordan family was that mysterious family friend who had first mentioned him to local reporters and football parents, 22-year-old Briana Augustenborg. As it turned out, Augustenborg had created “Alex” out of thin air, for reasons that are not entirely clear (she didn’t attempt to raise any money, and didn’t accept any gifts or donations). Alex Jordan now joins a long list of cancer-related hoaxes that preyed upon the tenderhearted.
  • Meanwhile, UN conspiracy theories are in full bloom – and they’re actually getting a bit of mainstream attention. A small but vocal coalition of U.S. senators led by Rick Santorum is opposing ratification of the UN Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities, arguing that it will impinge upon parental rights, if not actually make every disabled child a ward of the New World Order global superstate (a view shared by the Home School Legal Defense Association and other homeschooling advocates). Other Republicans have succumbed to Agenda 21 paranoia, believing the UN and Obama are conspiring to forcibly relocate rural dwellers, and/or control their minds.

I would love to combine all these stories into a TV series about a gay, undead Bigfoot. He must defeat a bogus nun who pretends to have cancer and sends hate mail to the UN.


The Scourge of DTV

It kills fish! It causes cancer!
Oh, wait, that’s DDT. As you were.

I hoped that the TV digital converter box hysteria would die down after numerous people opened up their boxes on YouTube videos, revealing the conspicuous absence of any cameras, recording devices, or tiny aerosol-spray compartments full of Gay Gas .

I hoped in vain. Today the woman I’ll refer to as TrutherBitch, who continuously sends conspiranoid mass emails, sent out this video. It’s a 60 Minutes story on the latest brain imaging/”thought identification” technology, but the “explanatory” information provided by “A. True Ott” connects this to digital converter boxes. He thinks they’ll be used to influence your thoughts and emotions. Most of Mr. Ott’s commentary is too freaking weird to even examine:

“Mengele and others were ‘reading’ brain waves via magnetic resonance graphing in the early 70’s [sic]. Boston-Logan Airport is already using new light-wave beams to scan and read air traveler’s [sic] intentions before they board the planes.”

Airport brainscans are not with us yet. And Mengele was managing a tiny Brazilian farm throughout the ’60s and the first half of the ’70s.

I’ve come across A. True Ott before, but I don’t even want to waste time refreshing my memory. All I can recall offhand is that he claimed he had discovered some additional Gemstone Files, another goofy hoax that won’t die.

Wednesday Weirdness Roundup

  • 20something guy overheard in a coffeeshop: “Primordial bacteria are killing fisherman; the planet is fighting back, just like in The Happening.” He went on to say that Steven Spielberg deserves props for including the “suppressed” knowledge of head-binding in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, even though it was a crappy movie. Museums long ago removed all evidence of the practice from public display, he said, not stopping to wonder how – if it was really suppressed – he and Steven Spielberg knew about it in the first place.
  • For years, there have been rumours that cameras and/or microphones are concealed within digital TV converters; Big Brother by stealth. I first came across this in a May 2004 Vanity Fair article by Rich Cohen, “Welcome to the Conspiracy”. Back then, Scientific-Atlanta converter boxes were the prime suspects. Paul Watson of Prison Planet reported the hidden-microphone rumour as fact in 2006, claiming the mics were first installed in the late ’90s but would not be activated until ’06 (reproduced here). But no one thought of dissecting a converter box until this guy came along … and sure enough, he found a camera. Of course he did. He put it there in the first place. As anyone who gives the idea more than a nanosecond of thought realizes, a camera (or any other recording device) inside a converter box would not be able to transmit any data. And conspiranoids have yet to explain how the New World Order will benefit from watching me floss during Lost.
  • Whoever created this truly bizarre YouTube presentation thinks former BYU professor and 9/11 Truther Steven E. Jones “weaponized cold fusion“. Perhaps I’ll have more to say about this later, when I’ve stopped laughing…

Gangstalking: Opinions Wanted

Please humor me, folks. Watch this short video and tell me what you think is going on in it. Why? Well, a lot of people suspect (possibly as a result of the Theresa Duncan/Jeremy Blake suicides) that “gangstalking” has become a problem in the world today. Not your run-of-the-mill stalking by cultists or psychotic neighbors or romantically/fanatically obsessed people, but by “gangs of unemployed terrorists” who apparently select targets at random and try to drive them nuts. This may be a government operation, according to some of the victims.

My thoughts on this video: If you sit in your car in broad daylight filming every pedestrian, cyclist, and motorist who passes by….
A. People will watch you closely, wondering what’s up, wondering why they’re being filmed by a total stranger in a parked car. (I know this woman thinks she can’t be seen, but I’m sure she can.)
B. If you observe the traffic patterns in your neighborhood closely, you will notice a lot of “strange” activity (people circling the block because they’re lost, children wandering aimlessly, etc.). If the woman had to look so closely to find the people who were supposedly trying to drive her crazy, then she’s really driving herself crazy.

Terroristic stalking, even gangstalking, does occur and it is a serious crime. But for our own good, let’s make an effort to distinguish between real stalking and unchecked paranoia.