Wednesday Weirdness Roundup: Extra-Stoopid Edition

satanfarts

It’s good to be back. My ThinkPad finally succumbed to a series of long-term ailments two weeks ago (Hans has a computer, but can’t type with cloven hoofs. I think he just uses it for porn). I’ve now replaced it.
So. On with the weirdness.

  • Folks love a good feral child story. Probably because feral child stories combine three of the things we want most in our Pixar films hard-hitting news coverage: Kids, the triumph of the human spirit, and cute fluffy animals. Sadly, some of these stories are ridiculously bogus. Amala and Kamala, the Bengalese girls raised by wolves, were actually urchins “rescued” by a minister who wanted to promote his missionary work (the famous photos of the wolf-girls walking on all fours were taken years after they died, using stand-ins). Misha Defonseca, the Belgian Holocaust survivor adopted by wolves at the age of 8, wasn’t even Jewish and spent the duration of the war safely ensconced in her grandpa’s house.
    Now we have Marina Chapman, a British national who claims in a new memoir that she was reared by monkeys in Colombia. She clambers up trees, makes monkey noises, and says it’s quite comfortable to scoot around on all fours. Supposedly, Marina was abducted from her family by two men around 1954, when she was 4 or 5 years old. One of them chloroformed her as she played in her yard, and she was taken to a remote area somewhere near the Venezuela-Colombia border. Then her kidnappers simply dumped her in the rainforest for no obvious reason, never to return.
    Marina says she gradually came to be accepted – even loved – by a troop of Capuchin monkeys, and survived by mimicking their behaviour and scooping up their dropped bananas. The monkeys groomed her and led her to water when she was sick, but the relationship Marina describes strikes me as one of tolerance rather than affection.
    Marina says she was rescued by hunters around age 9, only to be sold into sexual slavery in exchange for a parrot. She ran away from the brothel to become a street kid in Cúcuta, stealing food until she was saved again, this time by a family of “notorious” gangsters that treated her like a household slave. Finally, she was adopted by a decent family that migrated to England in the late ’70s. Marina settled down and raised a large family while working as a chef at the National Media Museum in Bradford.
    At this point, no one knows exactly who the hell Marina Chapman is. She says she can’t remember her name, or where she lived prior to the age of 4. She doesn’t recall her birth family at all, in fact. Her daughter Vanessa, who helped her write the memoir, hopes someone in Venezuela or Colombia will step forward to identify her.
    Aside from the obvious parallels with the wolf-girl hoaxes, there are a few other reasons to question Marina’s story. First of all, her memoir reads like a serial melodrama from the early 1900s. It’s The Perils of Pauline meets Tarzan, with absurdly evil villains lurking around every corner, scheming to trap the innocent monkey-girl. Secondly, Marina claims she totally lost the ability to speak Spanish during her time in the jungle, yet regained it with ease some 6 years later. How likely is it that Marina basically learned to speak for the first time as a pre-adolescent, without assistance? She would be the first feral kid to pull that off. Thirdly, she recalls the details of her abduction remarkably well…but she can’t remember a single thing about the family she left behind on the very same day? This whole thing smells.
    And speaking of smells…
  • The city of Quincy, Massachusetts is experiencing some rather weird shit. Perhaps literally. For the past several weeks, citizens have been complaining of sulfurous, noxious odours wafting through town, and at night they’re observing overflights of a mysterious plane they can’t quite identify. Theories range from ZOMG ALIENS to ZOMG CHEMTRAILS, though there doesn’t seem to be any direct link between the stink and the annoying plane. Also, the Patriot Ledger reported last week that the stench is probably coming from a malodorous brown algae, Pilayella littoralis.
  • If massive, non-human primates were roaming populated areas everywhere from Arizona to upstate New York, we would be finding copious signs of their existence; bones, poop, furballs, etc. But it seems Bigfoot only leave behind Blair Witch-style craft projects and magically vanishing corpses. About a week ago, a Bigfoot was supposedly shot and killed by an unnamed turkey hunter somewhere near Altoona, Pennsylvania, as overheard by a ham radio operator known only as Daniel C. This happened scarcely two weeks after the release of Shooting Bigfoot, a documentary about a 2012 Bigfoot murder in Texas. It includes footage of Rick Dyer luring a Sasquatch with some ribs, then shooting it (the Bigfoot stumbles off, fatally wounded, and is never seen again). Before that, in 2010, there was a double Bigfoot murder called the “Sierra Kills”. That incident produced a “Bigfoot steak” that may or may not have been examined by Dr. Melba Ketchum as part of her bizarro Sasquatch DNA study, but the bodies themselves were never recovered. And no one has presented the Pennsylvania Bigfoot yet, either.
  • Alex Jones thinks a magical government weather machine may have caused the tornado that ripped through an Oklahoma City suburb, killing dozens and leaving hundreds homeless and injured. Jones hasn’t seen this mechanism, he can’t even begin to explain how it might function, and he didn’t produce the name of a single scientist or agency involved with its development. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t real.
    Looks like the Godlike Productions Forum guys have it all figured out, though…it was a HAARP tornado whipped up to distract us from government scandals. If so, it was kind of a bonehead move; the tornado itself is creating government scandals.
    Pat Robertson doesn’t know what caused the tornado, but he still says prayer can alter storm systems  if enough people join in. He doesn’t seem to realize what he’s revealing about himself, here. If he truly buys into this prayer-based weather manipulation deal, then he should park himself in front of the Weather Channel every single day and go on the air to tell his viewers to start praying for certain areas. The 700 Club has roughly 1 million viewers per day in the U.S. alone, and if half of them prayed under Robertson’s direction, he could theoretically prevent any tragedy from occurring ever again. Instead, he waits for a storm to hit and then gets all Dr. Brule on us, like, “Why didn’t you think of that, dum-dum?” From this we can infer one of two things: Pat Robertson is lazy, or he just doesn’t give a crap.
    Either way, he’s being a total dick.

Wednesday Weirdness: Thank God for Earthquakes

The creepy little video below, originally posted to YouTube on March 14th as “God is Good”, has been making the rounds at Facebook and on forums. No one can figure out if this girl is: A) Being satirical, B) Batsh** insane, or C) Just an evil freaking psychopath who enjoys taking credit for epic natural disasters.

The answer is A. As revealed by the site Social Times yesterday, the vlogger is “Tamtampamela”. She has shut down her YouTube account, but other YouTubers have reposted her “explanation”:

So this was a stupid troll prank. But the sad truth is, lots of people have been expressing the same general view as Pamela’s alter ego. The governor of Tokyo declared the tsunami could be divine punishment for Japan’s egoism (but he apologized). Two days ago, on his radio show, Glenn Beck opined that earthquakes could be messages from God. This is every bit as daffy and offensive as Pat Robertson’s contention that Haiti was ravaged by an earthquake only because Haitian slaves made a “pact with the devil” during their slave revolts of the late 18th century. This was apparently Robertson’s mangled take on a Vodun ceremony performed in 1791.
Robertson then urged the people of Haiti to “turn back to God”, apparently not realizing that at least 80% of Haitians identify themselves as Catholic.

Meanwhile, comedian Gilbert Gottfried was fired merely for posting tsunami jokes on his Twitter feed. Hmm.

Wednesday Weirdness Roundup


Hey, if Glenn Beck can use idiotic visual aids, why can’t I? It’s a week of heightened hysteria in the conspiranoia world – the pie is falling!

First up, Chavez and the earthquake machine conspiracy…

I guess this makes Chavez the most prominent international figure to actually take this bit of conspiranoid WTFery seriously. Tesla groupies have always believed that Tesla’s “suppressed” ideas (read: unprofitable/worthless inventions) have been employed by THEM to commit atrocities so horrifying the Deros would blush. For instance, Pants Afire Award recipient Benjamin Fulford claims that right after he “called out” David Rockefeller, an Illuminati assassin demonstrated to him the Illuminati’s awesome power by predicting that an earthquake would soon occur near Japan’s largest nuclear facility. Sure enough, this came to pass in 2007 (hardly surprising – the plant is on a fault line). But Fulford didn’t mention any of this before the earthquake occurred, so the Illuminati’s awesome power is still very much in question for the rest of us. Now he insists the Illuminati caused the earthquake with suppressed Tesla technology, claiming that a plasma ball was photographed over the reactor site on the day of the quake.

I am patiently waiting for an earthquake machine to turn up on eBay.

The second-weirdest conspiracy theory making the rounds this week is that a “9/11-style” false flag terrorist attack could take place at the Vancouver Olympics.

It’s been a bad week for Satanic panic, too. There was Pat Robertson’s contention that Haiti was ravaged by an earthquake only because Haitian slaves made a “pact with the devil” during their slave revolts of the late 18th century. This is apparently Robertson’s mangled take on a Vodun ceremony performed in 1791.
Robertson then urged the people of Haiti to “turn back to God”, apparently not realizing that at least 80% of Haitians identify themselves as Catholic (or that Vodou is a syncretic religion that blends aspects of Catholicism into Afro-Caribbean beliefs, or that aside from the loa Papa Guede and Baron Samedi, Vodou practitioners don’t really have a entity that corresponds to the Christian Satan).

Our last item of weirdness is the alleged “deathbed confession” of an Australian Satanist known as Frater 616 or Petor Narsagonan. This story has been posted at Henry Makow’s Save the Males, Texe Marrs‘ Conspiracy World, and dozens of other beyond-the-fringe websites.
Basically, this is what happened: Late last year, a Christian website in Australia (loveforlife.co.uk) received a 15-page deathbed confession from the executor of the estate of a Satanist who died in 2004, Peter Narsagonan (AKA Frater 616). The document describes Satanism as an ancient practice that has penetrated every level of Australian society, along with all criminal activity (drug running, child abduction, human sacrifice, etc.). In other words, the “confession” is boilerplate Satanic panic literature.

Frater
616 supposedly became a Satanist at university in ’71. He attended Black Mass orgies every single night, and came to know practically everything about the worldwide activities of his sect, the Alpha Lodge (he was head of the Alpha Lodge in Sydney at the time of his death).
Frater 616 listed many prominent people who were secretly Satanists, including Groucho Marx, J.P. Morgan, Irving Berlin, Elvis, and Stephen Spielberg. He warned that the lodge is fully in bed with the central bankers, intelligence agencies, several megachurches, and the military-industrial complex. Oh, they’re also the ones behind multiculturalism, water fluoridation, and 9/11 (though the Mossad was behind the invasion of Iraq).

When you Google Petor Narsagonan, the executor who leaked his confession (Aloysius Fozdyke), or the Alpha Lodge of Sydney, you find nothing but the above story. However, a search for “Satanism Sydney” brought up an interesting comment on the faqs.org forum. It was a response to a query about Satanic churches operating in Sydney: “Unfortunately there are no Satanic Churches operating in Sydney – at least that I know of.” This was posted June 4, 2004 by “A.J.F” – email address afozdyke@yahoo.co.uk.

Hmm. Frater 616 supposedly died on March 24, 2004, and according to Fozdyke he was the leader of the Sydney Alpha Lodge. Fozdyke himself was presumably a trusted associate. So why couldn’t he have continued the work of the Lodge? The fact that he leaked the incriminating confession to a Christian website would seem to indicate that Fozdyke has been born again and wants to come clean, but as late as July 1st of last year he apparently remained a practicing Satanism.

Whether the Frater616 confession is a prank or a generic piece of anti-occult propaganda, I’m disappointed that so many people have fallen for it without examining even its most basic details. Disappointed, but not surprised.