Wednesday Weirdness Roundup: Wannabe Rappers

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  • I have seriously lost track of the number of YouTube vids and homemade documentaries that attempt to expose the supposed links between rap/hip-hop music and the Illuminati/Satanism. Run a YT search for “sold out to Illuminati” and you’ll see what I mean – there are even vids explaining how 2Pac was assassinated because he wasn’t souled out to The Man. Or the Satanists. Or whatever. Then we have a certain citizen who is so vigilant against Illuminati brainwashing in pop music that he can’t even identify himself, lest the Devil-worshipers decide to take him out for exposing their sinister use of, um, dolls and kittens.
    The basic premise of the Pop Illuminati theory is that in order to get anywhere near the top of the heap in the worlds of entertainment or sports, artists and athletes have to pledge abject devotion to the Illuminati, and/or literally sign their souls over to Satan. Talent, taining, luck, management, connections, good timing – that’s all bollocks. It’s really about what you’re willing to do for the Jews. I mean the Illuminati. Did I say Jews? Ha ha, no, that’s silly, the Pop Illuminati theory isn’t anti-Semitic. Not even a little bit.
    Until recently, the Pop Illuminati theory only affected merchandise sales (and not very much). But thanks to this overload of Illuminati hip-hop conspiranoia, we could soon be dealing with a bumper crop of deranged aspiring celebrities who honestly believe this shit. Take Wafeeq Sabir El-Amin, a wannabe rap star in Virginia (there’s your first mistake, kid) who allegedly crept up on a sleeping friend one night last December, aimed a gun at his head, and declared, “You are my sacrifice” before pulling the trigger. El-Amin’s victim was spared when the bullet ricocheted off his head, and he was able to escape by wrestling the gun away from El-Amin and shooting him in the stomach. Reportedly, El-Amin believed he had to make a human sacrifice to get in with the Illuminati. I’m guessing he didn’t make it. He’s currently in lock-up, awaiting trial.
  • You might remember Silibil ’N’ Brains, the hip-hop duo who briefly enjoyed C-list stardom in the UK with songs like “Tongue Kung Fu” back in ’04 and ’05. Their style was basically straight-up Eminem mixed with a little skaterboi punk, but the Cali dropouts had enough attitude to pull it off. After a single audition in London, they signed a a $350,000 record deal with Sony, scored a contract with one of the top managers in the UK, headlined a few minor festivals, toured with Eminem, and were introduced by MC Harvey on English MTV’s Brand Spanking New.
    It all fell apart when Brain (Gavin Bain) confessed that he and Silibil weren’t skatepunks from the Valley, after all, but college students from Dundee, Scotland. They had hidden their thick brogues and college educations after it became clear to them that a rap version of The Proclaimers just wouldn’t fly. Personally, I don’t see how this is much worse than Charlize Theron affecting an American accent even in roundtable discussions with other actors, but Bain’s confession instantly sped up the inevitable decay of  Silibil ’N’ Brains.
    Now, director Jeanie Finlay has released a documentary about them.
  • Sounds like a Canadian mockumentary, but isn’t: Hip Hop Eh.

The Prodigal Witch Part III: John Todd (Part II)

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John Todd as a character in the Jack Chick comic Spellbound?

continued from Part I

The Big Time

In August 1973, Todd married Sharon Garver. He was preaching and performing faith healings on the road, having been fired from the Christian coffeehouse for allegedly hitting on teenage girls.
This was the year that Todd first snagged the attention of Christians outside Arizona by giving his dramatic testimony on a Christian TV program. He announced he had been the “personal warlock” of the Kennedy clan, that JFK had faked his death, and that he had just returned from visiting JFK on his yacht. He revealed that many fundamentalist churches had been infiltrated by Satanists. For instance, Jerry Falwell had been “bought” with a check for $50 million. He described watching George McGovern stab a young girl to death in a Satanic ritual sacrifice. He claimed his wife had been seduced into witchcraft as a teen, and he rescued her.

Pastor Doug Clark heard Todd’s story and invited him to appear on his Amazing Prophecies TV show. Todd became an overnight sensation among charismatics in southern California. He and Sharon promptly vacated Arizona for Santa Ana, Doug Clark’s headquarters. They hosted weekly Bible studies in their home, and Todd appeared at several of Clark’s Amazing Prophecy rallies.
Clark and leaders at Melodyland Christian Center soon heard reports that Todd was hitting on teenage girls who attended these Bible study sessions. Todd angrily denied the allegations, and thereafter named Melodyland as part of the Illuminati conspiracy.
Clark decided John Todd wasn’t such a credit to his ministry, after all, and denounced him on his TV show.

His ties to Doug Clark severed, Todd moved to his wife’s hometown of San Antonio and promptly impregnated her teen sister. In ’74, the couple split. Todd north went to Dayton, Ohio, and found a third wife, Sheila Spoonmore. He decided to become a witch for real – whether he had ever been one before is debatable – and with his wife opened an occult bookstore called The Witches Caldron [sic]. The couple gave courses on witchcraft. Once again, there were complaints from teen girls.

Todd Meets the Crusaders

Todd’s drivel intrigued Jack Chick, the guy who produces all those wacky rectangular pamphlets you see in Christians’ bathrooms. Chick immediately realized that Todd would make a nice shiny new cog for his misinformation machine, and enlisted him to provide “inside information” for several anti-occult tracts.
Todd collaborated with Chick at the very same time that he was running an occult bookstore and persuading teen “witches” to disrobe for “ceremonies”.

The first Chick booklet based on Todd’s information was The Broken Cross (1974). Todd is described in the intro as an “ex-grand Druid priest”.

In the comic, a 14-year-old hippie girl leaves home to escape her Christian parents. Hitchhiking, she is picked up by a young couple in a van. She rejoices in her newfound freedom, not realizing that two Satanists are hiding in the back of the van, ready to drug her unconscious. She is taken to a Satanic ceremony and ritually sacrificed on an altar. We’re told that such murders occur eight times per year in every Satanic coven.
Chick’s equivalent of comic book superheroes, The Crusaders, show up to investigate. They uncover the cult, which turns out to include nearly every prominent citizen of the town, even the local pastor and an elderly librarian. The Satanists practice cannibalism, kill dogs, and spy on non-Satanists. One of their symbols is the peace symbol – a broken, upside-down cross.
Chick states that Wicca, a form of devil worship involving child sacrifice, began during the Roman Empire. Wicca was later absorbed by the Illuminati, also known as Moriah. This organization bankrolled the production of Godspell and Jesus Christ Superstar to undermine Christ.

A witch named Jody cheerfully informs the Crusaders that Lucifer is the power behind both white and black witchcraft. “Satan is one neat dude…I really crave the power!” The Crusaders easily convert Jody, and she is abducted by the Satanists for betraying them. Jim saves her seconds before she is sacrificed. Confronted by a Christian, the Satanists begin vomiting uncontrollably.
Like all the Crusader comics, The Broken Cross is an insane mishmash of cut-and-paste moralizing, scripture, and occult misinfo. It also borders on the homoerotic; Jim and Tim are exceptionally buff and like to take off their shirts for no apparent reason. Methinks the man doth protest too much.

The Broken Cross was followed by Spellbound?, a screed against rock music. According to Todd and Chick, all rock has “ancient Druid origins”.
In this comic, Jim the Crusader’s VW is nearly forced off the road by a rock musician named Bobby Dallas. Dallas is injured in the resultant crash, and Jim saves his life. Grateful, Dallas later invites Jim to a party full of his creepy friends. We’re told that the ankh necklace worn by one partier is a symbol of Satan worship, signifying that the wearer has lost his virginity and participates in orgies (a note at the bottom of the page adds that it won’t be necessary to burn the book, as witches only use 3-D charms for casting spells).
A member of the cult from The Broken Cross sees Jim trying to convert Dallas. The cult immediately murders Dallas to prevent him from “blowing their cover”.
John Todd himself makes an appearance, meeting with Jim and Tim to educate them about the occult. They’re told his family practiced Druidism for seven centuries.
Todd explains that Druids sacrificed men to their god Kernos with “elfin fire”, accompanied by the music of flutes, tambourines, and drums made of human skin. Each Halloween, they would go door to door demanding a human sacrifice (usually a young woman). If the sacrifice pleased them, they left a jack-o’-lantern lit by a candle made with human fat to protect the house’s residents from demons. Such ritual murders still take place in the U.S. every Halloween, Todd tells us. And the hypnotic beat of Druid drummers is the same beat used in rock music. The melodies are lifted from “Druid manuscripts”. For instance, the Beatles used this Pagan rhythm to draw America’s youth into Eastern religions, opening the “flood gates to witchcraft.”

All of this is pure bunk. There was no “Kernos” in Druidism. Trick-or-treating did not originate with the Druids. Druids didn’t have any written literature, so rock music can’t be based on ancient Druid manuscripts. They did not make their drums with human flesh. The magical “elfin fire” is make-believe. Eastern religions and Paganism are very different things.
If Todd’s teachings about the Druid origin of rock were actually correct, then Celtic music would be more of a threat to society than rock and roll!

Todd then delivers a talk to a church congregation, telling them he once had 65,000 witches under his command. Their goal was to “destroy Bible believing churches and make witchcraft our nation’s religion.” He warns that Christians cannot wield the full power of Christ if they possess tarot cards, regular playing cards, Dungeons and Dragons, “occult” jewelry, country music, romance novels, or rock music. Such things must be burned. He also warns against Freemasonry, saying no Christian has a right to belong to a secretive organization (this is bizarre, as Christianity itself has been an underground movement in various times and places). Not only is Masonry a part of the Illuminati, but Albert Pike (“the pope of Freemasonry”) admitted that Lucifer was his god. This, of course, is part of the ludicrous Taxil hoax that attempted to smear Masons in the late 19th century.
As a producer with Z Productions, Todd learned that all rock songs contain coded incantations. There follows a graphic representation of how demons are summoned into every master recording.
Todd also declares, “Every Bible believing pastor is on a death list by Satan’s crowd!”
A deacon’s daughter named Penny, hearing Todd, decides to join in the record burning ceremony he has planned for the church. The local media, under the direction of a Satanist named Isaac (presumably Todd’s nemesis, Isaac Bonewits, who we’ll see in the next section), portrays the bonfire as KKK-like activity.
Unbeknownst to Todd, the Satanists are following him, planning to assassinate him at the first opportunity. They shoot at him as he drives away from the church, but God presses Jim and Tim to follow him and capture the two Satanists. Then a cop – clearly in league with the Satanists – lets them go.

The Broken Cross and Spellbound? portray all Satanists, witches, and Pagans as murderous thugs who must be opposed by Christians. Chick also implied that most policemen, some media outlets, and many church leaders are part of the Satanic plot to destroy Christianity.

Chick continued to believe and defend Todd long after more reasonable Christians had washed their hands of him. He was later bamboozled by another “former Illuminati member” and “ex-witch”, Bill Schnoebelen, and by the Satanic ritual abuse allegations of a woman calling herself Rebecca Brown. We’ll see both of them later in this series.

First Arrest

In ’76, a 16-year-old girl told Dayton police what was going on in Todd’s little coven. She said Todd forced her to have oral sex during a nude initiation rite.
Todd asked for help from Gavin Frost, head of the National Church and School of Wicca, and prominent Druid Isaac Bonewits. He said he was being unjustly persecuted by Ohio authorities because he was a witch. After investigating, Frost and Bonewits concluded otherwise; they concurred with the cops that Todd was probably using his “church” as a cover for sexual misconduct.
He ultimately pled guilty to contributing to the unruliness of a minor and served two months of a six-month sentence in county jail before Chick and a lawyer secured an early medical release for him (he was having seizures). He received five years’ probation, which he immediately violated by returning to Arizona. The Pentacostal preacher Ken Long once again found a job for him, working as a cook.
Todd admitted to practicing witchcraft in Ohio, but was able to turn it to his advantage by declaring he and his wife had backslid and were now returning to the body of Christ. Satan had lost his minion again. Soon, Todd was back to preaching.

Don’t Think, Just Panic

Todd hit his peak of popularity in the late ’70s. By 1978 he and Sheila had three children.
They lived in Canoga Park, California and attended an independent Baptist church.
In January 1978 Tom Berry, pastor of the Bible Baptist Church in Elkton, Maryland, arranged for Todd to go on a speaking tour. His tales astonished and unnerved Eastern churchgoers. Tape cassettes of his talk were passed around in evangelical circles, and he even managed to snag mainstream media attention. Donations poured in for a rehab centre for ex-witches that he others planned to establish. Sound familiar? Warnke spoke of opening one just like it, but never got around to doing it. Neither did Todd, though in one talk (available as Tape 5B on this page) he declared that the centre was opening the following day. “The doors aren’t even open yet and it’s already filled,” he said. He estimated they would need to construct a second building within six months. “In fact the second-most powerful witch that has ever been saved was just saved last April … Her testimony is almost similar to almost everything I’ve given today.”
Todd did not name this second-greatest witch. We’re to assume he was the most powerful witch ever saved, I suppose.
This rehab facility, if it ever existed, didn’t seem to have a name, either.

Todd’s audiences were quite large. One appearance in Indiana drew 1000 listeners. This is troubling, because during this series of talks, Todd talked a lot about the endtimes and the need for Christians to create armed compounds that could withstand onslaughts from Communists, the military, and other enemies of the faith. He said the U.S. government would soon be compiling lists of church members so that Christians could be rounded up and executed when the shit came down. There would also be a government-instigated “Helter Skelter” of riots and violence. The Illuminati takeover of the U.S. would begin in just one year, so time was of the essence.
He warned Christians not to trust prominent Christians. Melodyland, the PTL, Jerry Falwell, The Full Gospel Business Men’s Fellowship. They were all part of the Satanic conspiracy.
These revelations were received with a mixture of horror and gratitude. There’s no indication that any of the Eastern churches actually took his advice and established fortresses, though.

One has to wonder if Todd harbored dreams of starting his own cult. He had some of the vital ingredients: Plans for an armed compound, a desire to isolate people from their trusted leaders, a knack for scaring the hell out of believers, and a seemingly unslakable lust for pubescent girls.

Back in California in April ’78, it all hit the fan. Todd’s pastor, Roland Rasmussen, learned from a church member that Todd had been teaching witchcraft in Ohio as recently as ’76. Todd was booted from the church.
But Tom Berry and numerous other Eastern pastors still supported him. He began a second speaking tour that summer.
This time, the reaction was not as positive. Clifford Wicks, pastor of Grace Brethren Church in Somerset, Pennsylvania, canceled Todd’s four-speech engagement after three speeches because he was disturbed by his parishioners’ response to the message. Several of them told Wicks they planned to murder their own children rather than see them taken prisoner by the Illuminati.

Not surprisingly, a few fringe religious groups were receptive to Todd’s teachings.
The Family (formerly known as the Children of God), an international church headed by David “Moses” Berg, degenerated into organized sexual abuse of children in the ’70s after Berg convinced some followers it was natural and healthy for kids to have sexual relations with their parents and caregivers. Years later his own son, Ricky Rodriguez (known as “Davidito“), would kill one of the nannies who molested him as a child.
Berg found Todd’s diatribes fascinating, and The Family International published a transcript of one of his lectures, “The Illuminati and Witchcraft”, for distribution to Family members.

Another group that appreciated Todd was a violent white supremacist organization called The Covenant, the Sword, and the Arm of the Lord (CSA). They also published “The Illuminati and Witchcraft”.
The CSA ran a compound in Missouri that was the very model of what Todd had been advocating. It boasted an armed perimeter, a training area for urban warfare drills, and an array of automatic weaponry (much of it stolen). In 1985, the group’s founder and several of its leaders were convicted of illegal firearm possession.
The group kept a list of possible targets for assassination, including elected officials. One member was executed for killing a State Trooper and a pawn shop owner.

Underground

In January 1979, Todd announced he was through with preaching. His message just wasn’t sinking in with American Christians, he said, and it was time for him to retreat to an undisclosed location where the Satanists couldn’t find him.
This move was probably calculated to avoid the kerfuffle that would have erupted around him when his predicted Illuminati takeover didn’t actually happen.
From their new home in Montana, the Todds cranked out alarmist newsletters about the endtimes preparations Christians must make; buy gold, stockpile food and ammo, go into hiding. Todd now claimed he was collecting donations for an armed survivalist compound. He said he would accept guns, cattle, dehydrated food, and anything else people could spare. This compound, just like the witch rehab centre, never materialized.
The couple subsequently lived in Seattle.

In early ’79, a few Christian publications, including Christianity Today, printed damning stories about Todd.
Ironically, the single critical book published about Todd, The Todd Phenomenon (1979) by Darryl E. Hicks and David A. Lewis, contained an intro by Mike Warnke (pot, meet kettle…).
These exposés demolished whatever vestige of credibility Todd still had among mainstream Christians, and he never again made a decent living from preaching. His following dwindled to small groups Christian Patriots, survivalists, and Millenarianists.

But he certainly didn’t stop banging the anti-occult drum. In 1980, he authored a comic book titled The Illuminati and Witchcraft. Jacob Sailor, the artist, also illustrated some of the Mo Letters for The Children of God.

The Road to Ruby Ridge

Todd’s next known location was Cedar Falls, Iowa. In 1983 he was invited to speak at a Holiday Inn there by a young couple who regularly listened to his audiotapes.
Since marrying in 1974, Randy and Vicki Weaver had become increasingly religious. By 1983 they were approaching religious mania. Both believed the world would end soon. First there would be a period of violent persecution, initiated by a Satanic government coalition of Jews and non-Christians. Sometimes they referred to the enemy as ZOG (Zionist Occupation Government).
Todd’s background may have impressed Randy Weaver; he, too, had been a Greet Beret.
The Weavers used cash only, because Todd said credit cards carried the Mark of the Beast. They stopped watching TV because Todd said all evangelists other than himself couldn’t be trusted. They believed the government wanted to round up and exterminate Christians because that’s what Todd said (strangely, though, Vicki remained a fan of Ayn Rand)
Vicki also received instructions from God while soaking in the tub every night, and she and Randy both had “visions” of a hilltop fortress.

As recounted in Jess Walter’s 1996 about the Weavers, Every Knee Shall Bow, neighbors were unsettled, but probably not surprised, to see John Todd pacing the living room of the Weavers’ comfortable ranch-style house in Cedar Falls, ranting about government conspiracies whilst gripping a handgun.

Not long after this, in the summer of ’84, the Weavers sold their home and headed west with a cache of supplies, firearms, and ammo. They didn’t have a destination in mind. God would lead them wherever they needed to be to wait out the Tribulation.

On September 6, they found a thickly wooded plot of land atop Ruby Ridge in the panhandle of northern Idaho.

Second Arrest

Sometime in the mid-’80s, Todd moved to Columbia, South Carolina. He worked construction, did carpentry, and taught karate to youngsters.

In May 1987, Todd was charged with raping a grad student at the University of South Carolina. I will not give the woman’s name here, to protect her privacy.
Later, molestation charges related to two of his karate students were added. He served the next 16 years of his life in prison.
In an audio recording made in 1991, Todd explained how he was framed by Strom Thurmond, who wanted to get his hands on his address books and his Christian material. Specifically, Thurmond and cohorts wanted to find the locations of safe houses used by a Christian underground that hid Christians accused of abusing their children. Also, Thurmond was furious that Todd had outed him as a Mason.
He hints that he was lured to South Carolina by Christians just so he could be framed. His lawyers were in on the plot, so Todd urged listeners to donate money to his defence fund.
After his conviction, an FBI agent and the head of Reagan’s Secret Service bodyguards visited him in prison and pressured him to give up the names of Christians in hiding (in exchange for what, I wonder? He had already been sentenced, so there wasn’t much the feds could offer him). Todd refused.

Todd warns all Christians that they, too, can be framed for crimes they didn’t commit. After all, They own the media and law enforcement. What’s more, U.S. concentration camps are standing at the ready to hold huge numbers of Christians.
Remember, this recording was made in ’91. In the 20 years since then, do you know a single Christian who has been interned in a U.S. concentration camp?

Now Todd says he was part of the CIA’s Pheonix Program during Vietnam, and his military records were sealed for that reason. As we saw in Part I, these records were freely available, and they clearly show that Todd did not serve in Vietnam.

Fritz Springmeier and the 13 Bloodlines

Christian preacher and Illuminati “expert” Fritz Springmeier, who was released from prison just last month (he served 7 years of a 9-year sentence for armed bank robbery), is Todd’s #2 fan (Jack Chick being #1). In his book Bloodlines of the Illuminati, he identified the Collins clan as one of the “13 bloodlines of the Illuminati” and included a jailhouse letter written by Todd.


The Collins family history, as chronicled by Springmeier, is replete with Satanic atrocities. The Collinses possess more occult power than any other Illuminati’s family, including the Rothschilds and Rockefellers. Springmeier cites the testimony of an unnamed ex-Illuminati member (like Todd, a Christian convert) who claimed a Collins woman was the “Grande Mother” of the Illuminati’s Grand Council of 13 back in the ’50s. This council possessed invaluable arcane knowledge, like the location of the Ark of the Covenant, and practiced a bizarre form of ritual sacrifice in which a child was killed for each new Illuminati initiate.
As these meetings supposedly occurred twice a year, with up to seven initiates per meeting, it’s remarkable that no one noticed the rashes of missing children.

Ironically, the details of this unsourced tale directly contradict John Todd’s testimony. For instance, this person stated that the Antichrist had not yet been born in 1955, while Todd said Jimmy Carter was the Antichrist. He also tells us the Todd family split off from the Collins clan before the Civil War, while Todd himself claimed he was born as Lance Collins.
Springmeier names one of the Grande Mother’s sons as Tom Collins, who later converted to Christianity and went on speaking tours to educate coreligionists about the Illuminati. He was shot to death in a grocery store parking lot as a warning to other whistleblowers. Once again, we must ask why the Illuminati was unable to assassinate John Todd, if another defector from the very same family was so easily eliminated.
I can find no trace of this Tom, but the Wikipedia entry for Tom Collins the drink is quite interesting. In 1874, “Tom Collins” was a running gag among pranksters. They convinced people that a mysterious man named Tom Collins was badmouthing them, and reported sightings of the gossipy stranger to credulous newspaper reporters.
At any rate, we have no reason to believe that Tom Collins and John were from the same family. Springmeier’s M.O. is to tick off lists of prominent people with the same last name, without bothering to ascertain if they are actually related to one another. Then he links them to the Illuminati by the most tenuous connections. For example, reporter Robert Collins is implicated simply because the Illuminati “control the press”. Springmeier provides no evidence that the Illuminati does, in fact, control the press. Likewise, he ties serial killer Ted Bundy to the Bundy/McBundy families, and tells us his sadistic sociopathic condition is quite typical of Illuminati members, even though Bundy’s name came from a working class stepfather.

Most bizarrely, Springmeier states that the Salem witch trials were “instigated by the Collins family to destroy Christians”. His evidence? Some Collinses became Putnams during the Civil War era. Somehow, this means that the Putnams of Massachusetts (central to the Salem witch hunt) were already related to the Collins clan nearly two centuries earlier. Huh?

Like Jack Chick and John Todd, Springmeier classed essentially all occultists and Freemasons as profoundly secretive, extremely dangerous people. They all worship the Devil, they all abduct and ritually sacrifice children, and they all commit every manner of crime against decent, God-fearing Americans such as Todd (the rapist) and Springmeier (the bank robber).

In an early edition of his book, Springmeier stated that Todd was released from prison in 1994. An Illuminati-owned helicopter picked him up at the prison, and he was never seen again – presumably murdered by Them. Springmeier later removed this erroneous information, but continued to assert that Todd was framed.
The belief that Todd was framed on the rape charges persists today among his fans. “James in Japan”, who maintains an extensive website about Todd and other Christian conspiranoids, actually believes that Todd was murdered by the Illuminati and replaced by a prisoner who looked and behaved just like him.

Release and Death

Todd was actually released from prison in 2004. He was then committed to the Behavioral Disorder Unit run by the South Carolina Department of Mental Health.
Under the name “Kris Kollyns”, he filed a lawsuit against numerous employees of this department, alleging he was being held in violation of his Constitutional rights. Before the lawsuit was resolved, he died in the BDU on November 10, 2007.
Sadly, his messed-up legacy of pathological falsehood lives on in audio recordings, Chick pamphlets, and the minds of many Christian conspiracy theorists.

As we’ll see later in this series, his claim of being born into a family of powerful devil worshipers would have a profound influence on other “former witches”.

The Prodigal Witch Part III: John Todd

Part I

The only positive thing I can say about the late John Todd is that he makes everyone else in this series look pretty good by comparison. At the height of his fame as a “former witch” he was also a sexual predator, a military imposter, and a practicing witch who used several aliases.

John Todd emerged on the Christian scene around 1968, at least four years before Mike Warnke (according to the Cornerstone article on Warnke, he accused Warnke of stealing some of his Illuminati material), but never gained the level of mainstream popularity that Warnke did. His tales of Satanic intrigue were just too dark and outlandish for the average Christian. Frankly, you would have to be either blissfully innocent or profoundly stupid to buy any of Todd’s b.s.
He was ultimately relegated to the far-right fringe, preaching to militia members and Christian Patriots about the endtimes and the need to establish armed strongholds. One of his last known locations before his arrest was Iowa, where he attached himself to a paranoid young couple named Randy and Vicki Weaver. He convinced the Weavers they needed to get away from populated areas and prepare for the end of the world. We all know how that turned out.

Even though his anti-occult invective wasn’t as appealing as Warnke’s, Todd still has his fans. Old audio recordings of his diatribes have popped up on YouTube, where he is vaunted as an Illuminati insider, framed by The Powers That Be. Henry Makow still promotes his story.

Who is John Todd?

No one really knows. His background is so occluded that even the year of his birth is in doubt. Possibly he was born in Ohio around 1950. He was taken into foster care as a youth. He suffered epileptic seizures throughout his life.
He was fairly good-looking and extremely tall (about 6’4″).
Given his peculiar fascination with daytime television and gay porn movies, I strongly suspect he was a failed actor.

Todd first surfaced on the fundamentalist Christian scene in Arizona in 1968, performing as a Pentacostal preacher. He was about 19 or 20 years old, married to a slightly older woman named Linda. Earlier that year he had been arrested in Columbus, Ohio for malicious destruction of property.
He told Pastor James Outlaw of the Jesus Name Church that he had recently been saved at a Pentacostal church service after practicing witchcraft in the Navy, and wanted to be re-baptized as a Jesus Only believer.
He then vanished for several years, resurfacing in 1973 as a born again warlock. He again said he had been saved at a Pentacostal church service, and identified himself as an independent Baptist, but preached mostly to charismatics. He was now married to a woman named Sharon Garver.
He went on the fundamentalist lecture circuit in Cali, educating churchgoers about the international Satanic conspiracy. His talks were a blend of pop conspiranoia, anti-occult fearmongering, and tell-all braggadocio.

Todd said his real name was Lance Collins, and he had been born into a powerful family of devil-worshiping witches with ties to the Illuminati. The Illuminati is the life’s blood of conspiracy culture today, but until the publication of Gary Allen’s None Dare Call It Conspiracy in 1972, it was largely forgotten. Allen and Todd helped nudge it back into prominence within conservative circles. It is extremely likely that Todd’s interest in the Illuminati was sparked by Allen’s book; we know that he was at least aware of it, because during one of his talks a woman in the audience mentioned it and he recited the title along with her.

The Collinses were direct descendants of Scottish Druids who posed as Puritans and imported witchcraft to America before helping to establish the Illuminati.
Todd’s mother was so ashamed of her witchy behaviour that she ended up in a mental hospital, hooked on barbituates. His foster mother, on the other hand, was the high priestess of all the witches in California, and his sister was made the high priestess of Ohio at the tender age of 13.
Todd was perhaps the first “former Satanist” to come from a Satanic family, but within a few years this would be the norm.
The hereditary Satanism he described bears little resemblance to Doreen Irvine’s “black witchcraft”, and no resemblance whatsoever to Mike Warnke’s “third level” Satanism. Presumably, as an Illuminati member, Todd was privy to knowledge that Warnke never imagined.

He was reared on a diet of “occult” teachings: ufology, spells, Tolkien, and C.S. Lewis.
Witch parents aren’t allowed to love or discipline their children; kids belong to the cult. At age 13 or 14, boys are sent to witch schools called Outer Courts to be trained as Satanic priests. Todd was initiated into the priesthood at 14. His sister became such a powerful high priestess that she could summon demons in the form of UFOs.
At age 18, while serving as a Green Beret, Todd became the high priest of his coven.

The Illuminati Todd describes is a configuration of pure evil represented (in part) by Freemasons, Mormons, international finance, Communists, and – paradoxically – the John Birch Society. He explained that very few Jews belong to the Illuminati, but the Rothschilds are at the top of the pyramid, totally controlling the illustrious Council of 13. All Illuminati members, whatever their supposed religious affiliation, are actually devil worshipers.
He claimed to know a great deal about the inner workings of Freemasonry, yet always called it “Masonary”. He also called the Trilateral Commission “the Trilateral Council”, and the Council on Foreign Relations “the Council of Foreign Affairs”.
Clearly, he was somewhat familiar with John Birch literature. But he never explained why the John Birch Society, as part of the Illuminati conspiracy, would expose all these real Illuminati fronts.

Let’s move on to the Satanism. Todd was, of course, a high-ranking Satanist within the Illuminati. He belonged to a Grand Druid Council headed by Raymond Buckland, the man hand-picked by Philippe Rothschild to head the Illuminati and a professor of anthropology at Columbia. Buckland revealed to Todd many things known only to high-level witches; lower-level witches were hand-fed disinformation and nonsense. He also received some witchcraft training from Ruth Carter Stapleton, sister of future president Jimmy Carter.
Buckland, as you may know, was indeed a very prominent witch. But he never taught at Columbia, and wasn’t an anthropologist. He was a flight attendant for British Airways. (For more information on Buckland, see my post “John Todd Addendum“.)

According to Todd, Satanists don’t congregate. This is quite a contrast to Doreen Irvine’s gatherings, which attracted up to 1000 black witches, and to Mike Warnke’s San Bernadino-area coven of 1500.
In Todd’s form of witchcraft, Satanists dealt directly with their high priests. They didn’t even know the other members of their covens.

The central scripture of Satanism is the Necronomicon, but copies are rare. The only copies known to Todd were kept in St. Petersburg, Glasgow, and the British Library.
In case you’re keeping track, that makes three different sacred texts in just three different “ex Satanist” accounts: The Book of Satan (Doreen Irvine), The Great Mother (Mike Warnke), and a book that doesn’t freaking exist (Todd). But hey, at least we’ve heard of the Necronomicon. Those other two books don’t seem to exist even in the realm of fiction.
All three cults were supposedly organized on a national level, and two encompassed the whole planet. So why aren’t all these Satanists using the same books?
And just for the record, Lovecraft stories never named St. Petersburg or Glasgow as locations of the Necronomicon. There were copies at the British Museum, Harvard, the Biblioteque Nationale, the University of Buenos Aires, and Miskatonic University.
Todd also referred to the book several times as the “Necromonicon“, just as he called Masonry “Masonary”.
Sheesh, he couldn’t even get his bullshit right.

Apocalypse Not

In ’69, Todd enlisted in the military. Illuminati witches are exempt from military service, but he wanted to set up some covens in other countries and this was a convenient cover. He served in Vietnam as a Green Beret before being transferred to Germany. One night, in Stuttgart, he got crazy drunk and high and (for reasons known only to him) engaged in a firefight with one of his former commanding officers. The man was killed. From military confinement, Todd phoned his foster mother in L.A. and asked her to cast a spell on the members of the jury at his imminent court martial, to make them believe he was innocent. (It would have been simpler to cast a spell on the commanding officer in charge of the court martial, but what do I know? I’m not a Satanic Illuminati witch.)
Instead, someone pulled major strings for Todd. A Senator, a Congressman, and two generals personally escorted him out of his cell. He received an honorable discharge, no questions asked. The Army even destroyed all Todd’s military records to help preserve the secrecy of the Illuminati.
In reality, Todd’s papers were not destroyed. And they tell a slightly different story: He served as a clerk in the Army from February 1969 to July 1970 without ever setting foot in Vietnam. He was stationed in Germany for less than a month and was discharged under a Section 8. You know, that thing Klinger was always trying to get by running around in drag? I wonder just how unstable a person would have to be to get a Section 8 during ‘Nam. I’m guessing “Charlie Sheen”.
Anyway, Todd had been making death threats and false suicide reports. A psychiatric evaluation conducted in ’69 found he suffered emotional instability, pseudologica phantastica, and possibly brain damage as well. He was also treated for a drug overdose at an Army facility in Maryland in 1969.

Devil Rock

Like evangelist/exorcist Bob Larson, Todd claimed to be a music industry insider. After ‘Nam, he was a manager at Zodiac Productions (variously described as “the largest music conglomerate in the world” and “the largest booking agency”), so he knew that every rock musician in America had to become a witch before he could get a recording contract, and that every master recording was taken to a Satanic temple to be possessed by a demon. Each major record label had its own temple.
In one of his anti-rock lectures, he recounts a conversation he had with David Crosby after his conversion:

Todd: “Do they still bring the master [recording] to the Temple…and conjure demons into the master? Is the purpose of rock music still to use witchcraft, cast spells…?”
Crosby: “Of course. You know that, Lance.”

The only moderately successful Zodiac Productions operating in the U.S. during the early ’70s was a film company that produced one film (a ’74 gay porno called The Portrait of Dorian Gay – NSFW) and several episodes of the ’60s variety show The Hollywood Palace. It did not have a music division.
To explain why no one recognized this mammoth media conglom, Todd said Zodiac was forced to change its name because of the negative publicity he brought to it. He did not divulge the new name.

World Domination and Stuff

In ’72, the Grand Druid Council received a diplomatic pouch from headquarters in London, containing an eight-year plan for world domination (culminating in December 1980). It involved economic breakdown, a military strike force comprised partly of prisoners, the execution of millions, and a Third World War that would spare only Jerusalem.
Around the same time, a letter from Satanic HQ announced the discovery of a man believed to be Lucifer’s son. He would serve as a false messiah to lead the masses astray. Todd later identified this Antichrist as fellow Baptist Jimmy Carter.

It was shortly after this that Todd was supposedly saved at a Pentacostal church service. Sometimes he placed this event in California, sometimes it occurred in Texas.

After his conversion and defection in ’73, the Satanists made many attempts on Todd’s life. This campaign of terror echoes the assassination attempts described by Mike Warnke and his first wife, and was equally unsuccessful. How is that these international Satanists can pull off world wars, but they can’t bump off two regular dudes?
Todd wouldn’t have been hard to find. He was working at a Pheonix, Arizona coffeehouse run by Pentecostal Ken Long, a local leader of the Jesus movement.

Todd’s extant lectures overflow with such stupefyingly retarded bullshit. Just a few examples:

  • Ayn Rand fans are Communists. Atlas Shrugged was commissioned by Philippe Rothschild (Rand’s lover) as a blueprint for the destruction of the U.S. and the Communist/Illuminati takeover of the world. Rand inserted racy passages in the book to keep Christians away from it. Todd doesn’t explain why Rothschild didn’t just write it himself. (One wonders, too, why the Satanists concocted an eight-year plan in the ’70s if Rand had already produced a step-by-step instruction manual for global domination back in ’57. I guess the Illuminati doesn’t mind busywork. Also, Rand’s hinky sex life has been exhaustively documented – I mean, seriously, TMI – and it didn’t involve any Rothschilds.)
  • JFK faked his death. Wait, no he didn’t. As “personal warlock” to the Kennedys, Todd met with JFK many times in the early ’70s. He never went into detail about this. In later talks, he said JFK was assassinated in 1963 because he was born again in Tampa, Florida.
  • Epilepsy is a medical condition, but the seizures are caused by demonic possession and/or medication. Todd actually instructed his epileptic listeners not to take their medication.
  • The supernatural soap opera Dark Shadows was based on the history of the Collins family. Todd was asked to bring a family diary to Hollywood, all expenses paid, one summer. He spent several months as a consultant to the writers while the series was being developed. I’ve never seen Dark Shadows, but my mother tells me most of the main characters were vampires and werewolves rather than witches, and there wasn’t any explicit occult content other than maybe a few black candles. Episode synopses at Wikipedia indicate the plot elements were culled from classic Gothic lit and popular novels.
  • Most of the cast of the Star Wars movies were gay men who had slept with the producers, culled from The Young and the Restless. The Y&R cast contained so many witches that Todd referred to it as an “occult soap opera”. But none of the primary Star Wars actors were ever in it. Mark Hamill was on General Hospital. Harrison Ford was never on a soap at all. Nor was Alec Guinness. James Earl Jones was on The Guiding Light and As the World Turns. Billy Dee Williams was on The Guiding Light; even though he still does a lot of soap work, he has never been on Y&R (interestingly, though, Ford and Williams appeared in some of the same films and TV shows: The Conversation, The F.B.I., and The Mod Squad). All of these men had considerable acting ability and would certainly not have to sleep with any producers to get work. Aside from Guinness, who was reportedly bi, not one of them appears to be gay. Maybe the Modal Nodes were gay warlocks?
  • Actress Cindy Williams (Laverne and Shirley) and her boyfriend started a witch cult. I suspect Todd singled out Williams because she and Penny Marshall co-wrote a screenplay about the Salem witch trials, Paper Hands. She was also in The Conversation, the tale of a man who lets paranoia and his imagination get the better of him. Hmm.
  • Most Israeli license plates contain the number 666. Todd was taking a big risk with this one. Any listener who had traveled to Israel would know he was full of it.
  • All of the people executed during the Salem witch trials were born again Christians rather than Puritans, and this is why the Collins family and other secret witches had them killed.
  • The Illuminati gave him $8 million to start the Christian record label Marantha Records, to corrupt Christian youth via Satanic rock music. Marantha would later produce such hardcore Satanic albums as Psalty’s Funtastic Praise Party.
  • The Dunwich Horror, starring Sandra Dee, was the most accurate representation of witchcraft on film. LOL. I’ve seen this movie, and about the only thing it accurately represents is Grade B cheese.

Part II

Move over, Burzum…

Conspiracy Monday: Review of Paul McCartney Really is Dead

Mockumentary, or documentary based on a hoax?

The other day I watched a peculiar documentary titled Paul McCartney Really Is Dead: The Last Testament of George Harrison, directed by Joel Gilbert.

Gilbert claims that on July 31, 2005, the office of Highway 61 Entertainment received a package with no return address, postmarked in London. It contained a mini cassette player and two mini cassettes. The tape cases were hand-labeled “The Last Testament of George Harrison”. Supposedly, George Harrison recorded his own “final confession” in December 1999, as he recovered in hospital from an attack by deranged intruder Michael Abram. Silver says his studio spent five years trying to verify the tapes’ authenticity, but three different “forensic tests” were inconclusive. Despite this setback, he assures us the documentary contains “startling new evidence” that could forever alter the history of rock and roll.
The film’s website offers no further information. We’re left to wonder why anyone possessing these recordings would ship them to an obscure production company, rather than a major daily or a TV network.

If you’re like me, you would expect Silver to describe the methods used to analyze the tapes, the efforts to trace the source of the tapes, and whatnot. But you’ll see nothing like that in this film. Instead, you get an hour and a half of an unconvincing George Harrison soundalike giving an alternative history of the Beatles that could easily be stitched together from decades-old conspiracy theories and anti-rock religious literature from the ’70s and ’80s. If you’re at all familiar with the Paul is Dead/”Faul” rumours, you’ve seen everything this documentary has to offer. The only “new” thing is the somewhat entertaining way in which the material has been crafted into a goofy, cloak-and-dagger narrative.

The tape begins with “George Harrison” describing the knife attack that landed him in hospital. “I don’t know why I was attacked,” he says, “But I have my suspicions.” He tells us that on December 1, 1980, Lennon phoned him to announce he was going public with the truth about Paul McCartney. A week later he was dead.
Two weeks before he was attacked, George said the same thing to “the man we know as Paul McCartney”.

George then gives us a capsule history of the Beatles, which is wholly unnecessary. A man giving his last confession isn’t going to waste precious breath recording the same information available in dozens of coffeetable books. “I remember the girls screaming and crying. It was so strange,” isn’t exactly a stunning new insight into the band’s early years.

The rest of the film details the conspiracy to cover up Paul McCartney’s death, and the clues scattered throughout the Beatles’ music. The basic story is already familiar to any Beatles fan, but here’s a short recap…

In September 1969, Drake University student Tim Harper published an article in the campus newspaper titled “Is Paul McCartney Dead?”. He pointed to clues in the Beatles’ lyrics, films, and album artwork indicating that Paul was no longer among the living. For instance, Paul dressed up as a walrus for Magical Mystery Tour, and the walrus is a symbol of death in the Soviet Union. (This particular clue has no validity at all. Yes, the walrus was Paul, but walruses don’t have any symbolic significance to Russians.)
Within a month, radio djs and college students had spread the theory so widely that WABC’s Ruby Yonge discussed it on-air on October 21st.
By the end of November, the rumours had gained so much steam that New York’s RKO broadcast a TV “trial”, in which illustrious attorney F. Lee Bailey examined the “evidence” presented by Michigan State student Fred LaBour.
The theory soon gained legs and teeth, evolving into a full-grown monster that may never be slain. Rumour had it that Paul had died in a car crash in ’66, or faked his death to escape from public life. But the remaining three Beatles didn’t want to disband, and losing their cutest member would definitely have put a dent in their popularity. So a Paul lookalike (“Faul”) was found and trained to play with the group. In some versions of the story, “Faul” was the winner of a lookalike contest sponsored by a teen magazine, and Paul didn’t give up music entirely; he joined Badfinger, one of the first acts signed by The Beatles’ label, Apple Records.
A November ’69 Life magazine interview with McCartney, in which he insisted he was the real Paul, maimed the rumour but didn’t kill it. If anything, the article fed the mystery and made some people more suspicious. It quoted Dr. Henry Truby of the University of Miami, who compared “Yesterday” to “Hey Jude” and declared them “suspiciously different.” Why would a major magazine devote its front page to the rumour if there wasn’t some meat to it?

The “final testament of George Harrison”, of course, describes the Paul-is-actually-dead scenario, borrowing heavily from the tabloid booklet Paul McCartney Dead: The Great Hoax:

On the rainy night of November 9, 1966, John and Paul bickered in the recording studio over whether to remain kitschy and radio-oriented (Paul) or to become more Dylanesque and message-oriented (John). Shortly before 5 AM, Paul stormed out of the studio and roared off in his white Austin Healey. About three miles from the studio, his car struck a lorry and flipped.
A “police officer” identifying himself only as Maxwell arrived at the studio about an hour later. He said he had been sent by MI5 to deal with a “sensitive matter”; a white Austin Healey had crashed, and a woman named Rita was insisting the dead driver was Paul McCartney.
Maxwell drove the Beatles to scene of the accident to identify the body. A young woman named Rita was sitting near the wrecked car, sobbing. She claimed Paul had offered her a lift. In her excitement, she screamed and threw her arms around him, causing him to crash into the lorry. Rita escaped unharmed before the car exploded, but Paul was decapitated (in the booklet, the unnamed female passenger is also killed, leading readers to wonder how anyone could know she caused the crash).
Though the head was horribly disfigured, it was unmistakably Paul’s. Maxwell made the macabre comment that he looked like a walrus. Sobbing, John pummeled Maxwell with his fists and cried , “No, I am the walrus! I am the walrus.”

(In reality, Paul and girlfriend Jane Asher were vacationing in Kenya and France November 6-19, 1966.)

Maxwell took the remaining three Beatles to an MI5 safehouse and told them the death of Paul McCartney would have to be kept a secret, to avoid a rash of girl suicides. A surgeon could alter another man’s face to resemble Paul’s, and the band could continue as before, using uncompleted material written by Paul to patch together new songs (John estimated they could do 50). Maxwell, who was apparently an MI5 agent rather than a police officer, swore them to secrecy on threat of death.

(Srsly? MI5 gives a flying fig about teenyboppers offing themselves?)

Two days later, as soon as they left the safehouse, the Beatles announced they would no longer be touring. It was arranged for Tiger Beat magazine to sponsor a Paul lookalike contest. No winner was announced, but a new Paul was found: William Campbell (we are shown a photo of a young man with a thick mustache and glasses, vaguely resembling McCartney). Campbell underwent extensive plastic surgery, music lessons, and speech therapy to transform him into “Faul”. The situation reminded John of a Stephen Crane novel, The Open Boat, in which three men seed clues to a fourth companion’s death throughout their poetry. John wanted to do the same thing, which would allow them to reveal the truth about Paul’s death without crossing MI5.

(“The Open Boat” is a short story, not a novel, and the protaganists do not write any poetry. Rather, one of them reflects on a poem while they drift in a boat. The story ends with the death of one of the men.)
There is no evidence that Tiger Beat – or anyone else – held a Paul lookalike contest. William Campbell is variously named William Shears Campbell, William Sheppard Campbell, and William Stuart Campbell. He is said to have been either an actor or a Canadian police officer employed by the Ontario Provincial Police, but no proof of his existence has ever surfaced. In some versions of the rumour, he had a girlfriend named Rita.)

Somehow, Faul was able to fool McCartney’s girlfriend, Jane Asher. But the Beatles forced Faul to break up with her, anyway, just in case.

In George’s opinion, John was too obvious with his clues. He wanted to title their next album Rubber Paul, one of his nicknames for Campbell. But most of the clues are too obscure to be noticed: Faul smoking a “coffin nail”, lyrics like “wiping the dirt from his hands as he walked from the grave”, Faul facing away from the others on the cover of Revolver, etc. Some clues dealt with Paul’s death, while others offered subtle hints that there was something different about Faul. Song titles said to be clues include “I’m Only Sleeping”, “I’m Looking Through You”, and “Act Naturally”. Some of these clues have been contradicted by the Beatles’ own statements over the years. For instance, Lennon said that “Dr. Robert”, supposedly Campbell’s plastic surgeon, was a reference to himself.
The cover of Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (SPLHCB) is a wealth of clues, of course. It’s a funeral scene, with Paul’s name spelled out in yellow flowers atop the grave. The photos are of people Paul would have wanted at his funeral, most of them dead; Stephen Crane holds his hand over Paul’s head in a priest-like fashion.

Then there are the backwards messages. According to George, Lennon coined the word “backmasking” and was the first to use it to hide messages in albums. “Getting Better” supposedly contains the message, “Paul is dead, he lost his hair, his head”, and “SPLHCB Reprieve” holds the obscure clue, “It was a fake mustache.”

The SPLHCB clues were so obvious, George tells us, that even Maxwell caught on. He warned the Beatles to watch their step. Instead, they jammed even more clues into Magical Mystery Tour. On the album cover, “Beatles” upside-down was the phone number of a funeral home, Faul’s walrus costume has a gaping hole in the chest to signify his lack of a soul, and the white figures on the back cover spell out RIP. “A Day in the Life” and “Lovely Rita” are major clues, though anyone who accepts the car crash story will have to wonder why the Beatles made such a sunny, flippant song about the woman who caused their friend’s death.
After more death threats and beatings from Maxwell’s goons, they prudently decided to leave their next album untitled with a blank white cover, but still left lots of clues in the songs.

Here’s where the film gets really funny. Lennon, with Yoko, flees to the U.S. and fakes insanity so that Maxwell will leave him alone. He has a bed-in, makes incoherent statements about peace and love, and just generally acts like a loon.
Meanwhile, Rita threatens to spill the beans unless Faul divorces Linda and marries her. She loses a leg in an accident shortly after making her demand, but this doesn’t stop her from resurfacing later as “Heather Mills”.

So Paul McCartney Really is Dead has its humorous moments. Overall, however, it’s a silly and mean-spirited mockumentary. All of the Beatles are portrayed in the worst possible light. Lennon’s activism is mocked. The real George repeatedly refers to McCartney as “Faul” in an interview. McCartney is a shallow, idiotic, untalented pothead. He’s shown responding to Lennon’s death in a cavalier way. “It’s a drag, isn’t it?” he says to a reporter, chomping gum. In the film’s closing clip, he tells an interviewer, “In that tragedy, there were some good things about it.”

The real story of the Beatles is a lot more complex. McCartney did feud with John and George, but this has a lot to do with Paul’s unwillingness to continue life as a Beatle. In 1970, he actually sued his bandmates to get out of the ten-year contract they signed in ’67.

The notion that post-’66 Paul was an imposter is absurd. Lennon himself lampooned the whole Paul is Dead craze in his ’71 song “How Do You Sleep?”: “Those freaks was right when they said you was dead”. The “clues” unearthed by college journalism majors, radio d.j.s, and fans are just inventive interpretations of ambiguous lyrics and imagery. And let’s face it: The Beatles offered up ambiguity in spades. That’s how folks like Charlie Manson could hear personal messages in every song.

Many of the Paul is Dead clues in Paul McCartney Really is Dead are easily debunked:

  • “Taxman” isn’t about the taxidermist who preserved Paul’s body, because taxidermists only preserve animal carcasses. Also, the song is clearly about a taxman.
  • Besides, Rubber Soul was released a full year prior to the car crash (I think the real George Harrison would have known this, though I wouldn’t bank on it).
  • Heather Mills was born in 1968, over a year after “Rita” caused Paul’s fatal crash. Her early life is well-documented.
  • The scar on Paul’s lip, supposedly caused by plastic surgery, was the result of a December 1965 moped accident.

Surprisingly, one iffy-sounded allegation turns out to be fact. John Lennon really did use some backwards vocals in the 1966 song “Rain”, the first known instance of deliberate backmasking. But this song was released in June, 1966.

Despite the dearth of solid evidence (or perhaps because of it), the Paul is Dead mystery still thrives on the Internets. The sites Officially Pronounced Dead? The Great Beatle Death Conspiracy and Is Paul Dead? are devoted exclusively to it. This site offers up facial comparisons of pre- and post-1966 Paul and concludes they were two different men. Dozens of YouTube videos pick over the clues. Even the Uncyclopedia covers the controversy in detail. Paul McCartney Really is Dead offers nothing new, is based on a pathetically transparent hoax, and is just generally a waste of everyone’s time.

Stupid Bloody Wednesday

A very excitable man named Joe Niezgoda was last night’s guest on Coast to Coast AM, peddling his new book The Lennon Prophecy. I couldn’t quite grasp most of what Mr. Niezgoda was trying to say in his manic spiel (the term “pressured speech” comes to mind), but in general he was trying to convince the listening audience that Paul really is dead, that John had a pact with the Devil, and that John predicted the death of Paul (in code, of course).

The first big clue Niezgoda noticed was the title of Paul’s 1997 album Flaming Pie. John once told an interviewer that he got the name of The Beatles from a dream in which a “little man on a flaming pie” spoke to him, and Niezgoda found it extremely odd that Paul would use the same phrase years later. Even though John and Paul worked together for over a decade.

Niezgoda feels certain there’s “something Satanic” about The Beatles’ success, but he couldn’t provide much in the way of evidence. He just pointed out that “The Beatles” is an anagram for “Seal the Bet”, and that John Lennon was “blasphemous” (Niezgoda is Catholic). You can see more of his *clues* at his blog and website. I’ll stick with the Morrissey prophecies.

The Michael Jackson Conspiracy Theories

Unlike everyone else in the universe, I didn’t OD on Michael coverage last week, thanks to my vacation. Other than having to hear my grandparents complain for the umpteenth time that Michael’s people tried to take over an entire floor of a hotel in Kansas where they were staying two decades ago, I really wasn’t exposed to any Michael mania. Therefore, I was itching to find out what sort of conspiracy theories were brewing…

The dead Michael wasn’t the real Michael. Not an actual conspiracy theory, yet it totally explains everything. Beautiful.
Supporting evidence: Earlier this year the Daily Mail reported rumours that Michael used an imposter for at least one press conference.

Michael was too strung-out to do his tour, so someone killed him to avoid the embarrassment and high cost of cancelling all his shows, 50 of which were already sold out.
Supporting evidence: He was strung-out, and 50 of his shows were sold out. That’s about it.

Michael was murdered. This one has been used for online data-stealing, for obvious reasons – who can resist speculating? That’s why it is by far the most popular theory about his death. But it’s not developed enough to actually be a theory. No one has come up with a plausible motive yet. If you do the cui bono thing, then I think Paul McCartney would be your prime suspect (there are rumours that Jackson bequeathed McCartney’s own songs to him in his will). But let’s be realistic, here: If McCartney can put up with Heather Mills, he’s not a homicidal guy.
Supporting evidence: There really isn’t any. Of course no decent doctor would inject his patient with an overdose of painkiller, but decent doctors typically don’t work without a license, either.

Michael faked his death to get out of the limelight.
Um, why? When you’re already a semi-reclusive, deeply eccentric celebrity that at least half the world despises, a pseudocide really isn’t necessary. I doubt that he would relinquish his children just to go a bit deeper underground. Besides, how is he going to disguise that face? It’s not as though he can get any more plastic surgery.
Still, this is the second-most popular theory out there. It’s nearly identical to the theories that Tsar Alexander I, Jim Morrison, Andy Kaufman, Elvis, James Dean, and Paul McCartney faked their deaths to get some breathing room (Alexander, Morrison, McCartney), avoid the humiliation of disfigurement (Dean), or play the mother of all practical jokes (Kaufman). Those theories and the stories that have sprouted from them are quite flimsy, (I saw Elvis at the gas station! Jim Morrison is my neighbor!), but to be fair, pseudocides do happen. They just don’t happen to ridiculously famous people.
Supporting evidence: Grainy-ass, undated photos of Michael sightings.

Iran killed Michael. To be fair, I’ve only heard this theory from a single source. The idea is that Ahmadinejad or someone working on his behalf called for the murder of an internationally famous pop star just to take the heat off of him for a while. Michael’s doctor was bribed or blackmailed into doing the deed, if he didn’t actually volunteer.
The largest fatal flaw in this theory is that Iranians know a celebrity death is only going to totally dominate the news for about three days, tops. And that the reporters covering Iran’s election disaster are not the same reporters who do the entertainment beat.
Supporting evidence: lol

Conspiracy Monday: The Ballad of Butler County

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To be fair, the story of Debra Hunter Pitts can’t really be called a conspiracy theory. The proper designation would be “unadulterated bullshit”.
She waited many years to tell her tale, and when the time was right, she selected only the most unimpeachable information outlets: Rabid anti-Zionist broadcaster Greg Szymanski, and conspiracy researcher Wes Penre (founder of the website Zionist Watch). Good thinking, Ms. Pitts: Just the guys to go to with a story about evil Nazis.

The following is derived from Wes Penre’s interview of Ms. Pitts, available here. I also listened to her interview on The Edge Radio, but the sound quality is very poor.

It all took place in Butler County, Missouri (population 13, if you count the brothers who were fused together in an industrial accident as two separate people*). In the ’50s and ’60s, Debra grew up in a family that worshiped Satan because, let’s face it, snake-handling gets old after a while. She was raised in the household of her stepfather and stepmother. Think on that for a minute.
According to Debra, Butler County was run by a cabal of nasty people she variously describes as Nazis, CIA agents, Illuminati members, and Satanists. They had connections to the highest levels of the U.S. government and beyond, which is probably how they managed to get running water as early as 1956*. This cabal was plotting to take over the United States and install a Fourth Reich.
Sometime in the late ’50s, Debra finally noticed that the gawdawful stench rising from the woods behind her stepdaddy’s property wasn’t just coming from the outhouse; there were about 300 bodies buried in a mass grave there, belonging mostly to out-of-towners. Hence Butler’s unofficial nickname: “The Show-Me Where Else I Can Go County”.

Doing what any normal young girl would do, Debra decided to remain in Butler County for the rest of her life and raise a family.
Fortunately, she didn’t have to dip into the local gene pool, because both Carlos Santana and Eric Clapton breezed through town on their way to somewhere else and fathered her love children**. Both men wanted to announce this from the rooftops, but Debra gently informed them that fathering illegitimate kids with a woman controlled by a Southern Nazi-Satanist cult might create some PR difficulties for them.

Debra was no fool. While her family and neighbors ritually sacrificed tourists, teenaged Debra started a paramilitary resistance unit called Militia One, so named because it had one member. But not for long – Santana, Clapton, and a gang of other Hollywood celebs soon joined the fight against the powers of darkness in rural Missouri. And they kicked some ass.

By the mid-’80s, the cabal still hadn’t taken over the country due to technical difficulties like having substandard footwear and not actually being able to read the printed word. Debra sensed that the Illuminati was getting closer to their goal, however. This was confirmed for her when the mass grave was excavated by agents from the FBI and the Treasury Department (hey, don’t be fooled – they have a crack forensics team!). Rather than arresting anyone, the feds merely disposed of the bodies elsewhere and let things continue as usual in Butler County. Your tax dollars at work.

Debra was on her own. Except for her secret weapon: Militia One. It was time to summon her coke-fueled L.A. loverboys so they could assemble into a massive, Satanist-stomping machine. Kinda like Voltron, only cooler.

How did Debra meet these celebrity folks? Well, you see, she and her secret twin sister were child geniuses. The baddies who ran Butler County were so blown away by Debra’s Christian preaching that they contacted the top producers in Hollywood to tell them that a “goldmine” was ready to be groomed for superstardom. Her singing, dancing, and psychic powers would be a mighty tool in the hands of the Satanic Nazis. Imagine Shirley Temple crossed with Sylvia Browne, if you can stomach that.

The bigwigs were so intrigued by film footage of this dancing preacher-girl that they hired Satanists to dress up as limo drivers and chauffeur them through Butler County so they could get a peek at Debra. In this way she met John Lee Hooker, Jack Elam, and Jay Silverheels. When she was all of 13, Santana and Clapton parked their white limo in front of her school and struck up a conversation with her. It became clear to Debra that the Hollywood folks were on the right side of the battle between Evil and Not Evil; they clearly wanted to use her prodigious talents to defeat the evil plans of Butler County’s Satanic Illuminati Nazi brigade.

So Debra decided to accept funding from Clapton, Santana, et. al., rather than become rich and famous herself. That might have diluted her godliness, you see.
Somehow the trio became sidetracked by songwriting and movie plans. Debra wrote “Layla” at Eric’s request, cleverly hiding the story of a Satanic Nazi murder in what appears to be a love song. She completed it during one of her high school classes and passed it out the window to him. She also came up with the name Derek and the Dominos, though the lovebirds had a minor spat over how to spell “dominoes”. She thinks it’s very uncool that Pattie Boyd is so obsessed with Eric that she spreads false information about “Layla”, and she’s slightly peeved with Eric for failing to give her songwriting credits as promised.
The three pals also scripted and acted out comedies and Westerns that they would produce together after the Illuminati was defeated. In 1984 they even filmed a star-studded, improv romantic comedy in Texas to help them expose the Nazis. They filmed all the on-set fisticuffs that broke out between their Nazi minders and the film crew, then included the footage in the final cut for all the world to see. Stars included Yoko Ono, Tom Petty, Andy Warhol, Mickey Gilley, and Willie Nelson.
This film was shelved, but Debra assures us it will be released soon.

In 1971 Clapton saw one of the mass graves for himself and decided it was time to get Interpol involved. Unfortunately, you can’t just phone Interpol and say, “Hi, I’m an internationally renowned musician, and I’ve just seen a gravesite full of hundreds of bodies of unknown murder victims.” That’s not the way it works. First you have to find someone else to use as a contact – in this case, a 16-year-old girl that you’re apparently doing – and make a DeBeers diamond commercial with her so that Interpol will take you seriously. Oh, and you have to buy the diamonds first. You can’t just get them on loan for the commercial.

This brilliant scheme worked. Seeing the video of Eric Clapton hanging out in a limo with an underaged girl dripping in diamonds convinced Interpol agents that something very messed-up was going on in Butler County, Missouri. They immediately made Debra an informant. With the help of Militia One and its advisor, “General X”, Interpol successfully infiltrated and dismantled the Nazi/Satanic infrastructure of the U.S. government and restored it to its original, pristine state.

So that’s how Clapton, Santana, and their baby mama saved civilization. Of course, the musicians can’t talk about this openly because everyone would assume they were just having acid flashbacks or something, so it’s up to Debra to spread the word and change the history books. She soldiers on even though the FBI has had her under continuous surveillance since 1984. She is very happy for Eric now that he is clean and married. They had two pairs of twins together (in addition to Santana’s kids, another pair of twins and a son named William Woodstock). She also had another pair of twins with her primary Interpol contact. All of these children were born from surrogates, and the FBI doesn’t allow her to see them very often.

Debra’s post-showdown story is hard to follow, but I gather that she murdered her husband, Bill Pitts, in 1990. She had to do it – his entire family was plotting to kill her for the insurance money and royalties. Thankfully, the FBI arranged for her to be acquitted.

If this isn’t a country song, it should be.

* Not really.
** Really.

The Week in B.S.

– Prophet Yahweh (Ramon Watkins) predicts yet another UFO landing sometime between Halloween and November 11. The aliens want to show their support for Obama. (Prophet Yahweh also claims he can summon UFOs by reciting passages from the Bible, so predictions seem moot.)

– I pay little mind to the pop music world, but this irked me: Beyonce Knowles tried to pass off one of her latest singles, “If I Were a Boy”, as her own work, co-written with German producer Toby Gad. She and Gad were the only ones credited when her new album’s track listing was released earlier this month. In reality, “If I Were a Boy” was written by Gad and a San Diego singer/songwriter named Britney Carlson (stage name BC Jean). Gad had Carlson’s permission to sell the rights to some of their songs, but she retained the final say. She reportedly declined to give the producers of Hannah Montana the rights to “If I Were a Boy” because they wanted to change some of the lyrics, and she also refused to give the rights to Beyonce’s manager/dad, Matthew Knowles. So Knowles and Gad went ahead with the deal anyway. Apparently the matter has been settled, but it’s entirely possible that Carlson will not be receiving any royalties from this hit single, because it was not recorded by her.

– Australian channeler/contactee Blossom Goodchild announced in August that the intergalactic Federation of Light would make its presence known through highly visible UFO sightings from October 14-17. It looks like the Federation members have mastered interstellar travel, but can’t quite comprehend Earth calendars. Or maybe they took a wrong turn at Albuquerque. At any rate, Goodchild’s lame excuses for them can be found on YouTube.
Goodchild’s announcement was a virtual clone of the failed UFO-landing prophesies of Marion Keech in 1956, Heaven’s Gate in 1975 (as chronicled in Jacques Vallee’s Messengers of Deception), and Richard Hoagland et. al. for December 7, 1998.

– As outlined in my post “Psychic Smackdown“, conspiranoia radio talkshow host Bill Deagle prophesied the European markets would utterly collapse on October 7, initiating a string of Illuminati-engineered events culminating in U.S. martial law, nuclear holocaust, and an Avian Flu pandemic. However, he nullified his 2007 warnings that cloned dinosaurs and Modified Attack Baboons from Texas would be patrolling “forbidden zones” in the U.S. when he prophesied that plain old troops with pepper spray will be guarding city perimeters. Dangit. I was so looking forward to seeing Modified Attack Baboons with nano-armor!
Benjamin Fulford made a similiar prediction for October 5, saying the economic “black hole” would become evident on that date, giving the Satanic Zionists their golden opportunity to inter us all in underground FEMA detention centers.

– On Kevin Barrett’s Truth Jihad Radio show (GCN) today, Webster Tarpley mentioned this clip as *evidence* that Obama really is a closeted Muslim. You see, in the conspiranoia world, accidental slips of the tongue simply never happen. I suspect there are at least a few conspiracy theorists who can’t bring themselves to call them Freudian slips, though, because Freud was Jewish and a psychiatrist.
Tarpley, by the way, insists Al Gore “invented climatology”, blames NATO for the kidnap/murder of Aldo Moro, and considers Putin the most intelligent and stabilizing leader in the world.

Morrissey: The Next Nostradamus?

David Alice has a theory that singer/songwriter Morrissey predicted the death of Princess Diana…in 1986.

Alice points out links between The Smiths’ album The Queen is Dead and the life/death of Diana. For instance:

For the album cover that makes the announcement that THE QUEEN IS DEAD, Morrissey chose a photo of a French man named Alain (actor Alain Delon).
Correspondingly, the very first public announcement of Princess Diana’s death will wind up being made by a French man named Alain (Doctor Alain Pavie)
.”

Now perhaps Mr. Alice can tell me what the &*%&# “Half a Person” is supposed to be about…

David Alice’s website: THE DIANA/MORRISSEY PHENOMENON