The Michael Jackson Conspiracy Theories

Unlike everyone else in the universe, I didn’t OD on Michael coverage last week, thanks to my vacation. Other than having to hear my grandparents complain for the umpteenth time that Michael’s people tried to take over an entire floor of a hotel in Kansas where they were staying two decades ago, I really wasn’t exposed to any Michael mania. Therefore, I was itching to find out what sort of conspiracy theories were brewing…

The dead Michael wasn’t the real Michael. Not an actual conspiracy theory, yet it totally explains everything. Beautiful.
Supporting evidence: Earlier this year the Daily Mail reported rumours that Michael used an imposter for at least one press conference.

Michael was too strung-out to do his tour, so someone killed him to avoid the embarrassment and high cost of cancelling all his shows, 50 of which were already sold out.
Supporting evidence: He was strung-out, and 50 of his shows were sold out. That’s about it.

Michael was murdered. This one has been used for online data-stealing, for obvious reasons – who can resist speculating? That’s why it is by far the most popular theory about his death. But it’s not developed enough to actually be a theory. No one has come up with a plausible motive yet. If you do the cui bono thing, then I think Paul McCartney would be your prime suspect (there are rumours that Jackson bequeathed McCartney’s own songs to him in his will). But let’s be realistic, here: If McCartney can put up with Heather Mills, he’s not a homicidal guy.
Supporting evidence: There really isn’t any. Of course no decent doctor would inject his patient with an overdose of painkiller, but decent doctors typically don’t work without a license, either.

Michael faked his death to get out of the limelight.
Um, why? When you’re already a semi-reclusive, deeply eccentric celebrity that at least half the world despises, a pseudocide really isn’t necessary. I doubt that he would relinquish his children just to go a bit deeper underground. Besides, how is he going to disguise that face? It’s not as though he can get any more plastic surgery.
Still, this is the second-most popular theory out there. It’s nearly identical to the theories that Tsar Alexander I, Jim Morrison, Andy Kaufman, Elvis, James Dean, and Paul McCartney faked their deaths to get some breathing room (Alexander, Morrison, McCartney), avoid the humiliation of disfigurement (Dean), or play the mother of all practical jokes (Kaufman). Those theories and the stories that have sprouted from them are quite flimsy, (I saw Elvis at the gas station! Jim Morrison is my neighbor!), but to be fair, pseudocides do happen. They just don’t happen to ridiculously famous people.
Supporting evidence: Grainy-ass, undated photos of Michael sightings.

Iran killed Michael. To be fair, I’ve only heard this theory from a single source. The idea is that Ahmadinejad or someone working on his behalf called for the murder of an internationally famous pop star just to take the heat off of him for a while. Michael’s doctor was bribed or blackmailed into doing the deed, if he didn’t actually volunteer.
The largest fatal flaw in this theory is that Iranians know a celebrity death is only going to totally dominate the news for about three days, tops. And that the reporters covering Iran’s election disaster are not the same reporters who do the entertainment beat.
Supporting evidence: lol

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11 thoughts on “The Michael Jackson Conspiracy Theories

  1. I saw this great one last week. Less of a conspiracy theory and more of an urban myth in the making is the article from the Mail on Sunday (Daily Mail on Sunday for anyone who doesn't realise it's the same comic) that suggests that Jackson wanted to be frozen and representatives of his family and the vaguely famous Gunther von Hagens said that "it was agreed that his body will be plastinated and placed next to Bubbles". Not only does the story of Jackson's freezing appear to be utter nonsense but the article makes a rather more obvious factual error. Bubbles is still very much alive. The Mail article also refers to Bubbles as a monkey when in fact he was a chimpanzee, a petty difference you might think but one that is huge given that the article is supposed to be in their "science" section. I can't help but think that the credulous have probably already started spreading this story. I guess so am I, but I was so baffled at the sheer number of lies and errors in the article that I just couldn't stop it.

  2. That Onion article is the best antidote to all the Jackson stuff of the past week. Maybe I'm just a bit too young to get why he was so big. By the time I got into music he was already very, very creepy. Anonymous, comic is the perfect description of the Mail. Except most comics are honest about being fictional.

  3. I found my old Michael Jackson doll while moving and thought, "Hmm. Forgot kids used to play with him." Bubbles is very much alive, living at the Center for Great Apes in Florida with other "retired" (unwanted) chimps who have outlived their novelty, cuteness, or box office appeal. CBC's fifth estate program filmed him at the sanctuary for their "Cruel Camera" documentary.

  4. "chimps who have outlived their novelty, cuteness, or box office appeal"Isn't it interesting that there is actually a story there, even if it is a sad one, but instead they choose to go with something absolutely ridiculous?Admittedly, I didn't actually know anything about Bubbles other than being well aware, like everyone else, that Jackson had a chimp and his name was Bubbles (and that there were terrible jokes to go with that). I guess the Mail's story works because most people just don't consider the fact that not all animals have the lifespans of pets like cats and dogs. They don't need to backup the dead chimp claim because most people don't know anything about chimps at all, let alone this one in particular and so just believe the fact as stated. That being said, rather interestingly I just read that there's a (now debunked) story that sometimes goes about that Cheeta, the chimp from the Tarzan movies, is still alive and is the world's oldest chimpanzee. In fact, there were various chimps in the role and it's merely a story put about by a trainer who, as far as I can see, is unnecessarily attention seeking – they are incredible animals that shouldn't need exaggeration to be noticed. It's interesting because it just goes to show that people can be conned either way you take a lie. (Someone should start a myth that that last sentence is a mantra repeated before every programme by Alex Jones. It certainly would be more believable than anything he talks about!)

  5. I, too, assume it's assumed that Bubbles died many years ago. Chimps are an enigma to people in many ways (look at the confusion surrounding Oliver), and the entertainment industry hasn't helped dispel the *mysteries*, with its ultra-cute chimps dressing and behaving almost exactly like humans. "Cruel Camera" showed some of the rough measures used to make chimps conform to that image on the set, and it isn't pretty. If you saw a stage parent treating their child that way, you'd probably report it as abuse.

  6. I, too, assume it's assumed that Bubbles died many years ago. Chimps are an enigma to people in many ways (look at the confusion surrounding Oliver), and the entertainment industry hasn't helped dispel the *mysteries*, with its ultra-cute chimps dressing and behaving almost exactly like humans. "Cruel Camera" showed some of the rough measures used to make chimps conform to that image on the set, and it isn't pretty. If you saw a stage parent treating their child that way, you'd probably report it as abuse.

  7. Oh, that is goin' on the list! It's the best/worst one yet.Am I wrong to think Ms. Burgermeister is prob'ly an Alex Jones fan? And is it wrong to want to call her Burgermeister Meisterburger, like in Santa Claus is Comin' to Town? (Doesn't really matter. I'll just stick to the facts – if I can find any.)

  8. Am I wrong to think Ms. Burgermeister is prob'ly an Alex Jones fan?I’ll be astonished if she's not. I'm wondering if she worked as a correspondent for Nature, BMJ and the Guardian before she held these views, or mind–bogglingly, at the same time.And is it wrong to want to call her Burgermeister Meisterburger, like in Santa Claus is Comin' to Town Nope.

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