Unlike everyone else in the universe, I didn’t OD on Michael coverage last week, thanks to my vacation. Other than having to hear my grandparents complain for the umpteenth time that Michael’s people tried to take over an entire floor of a hotel in Kansas where they were staying two decades ago, I really wasn’t exposed to any Michael mania. Therefore, I was itching to find out what sort of conspiracy theories were brewing…
The dead Michael wasn’t the real Michael. Not an actual conspiracy theory, yet it totally explains everything. Beautiful.
Supporting evidence: Earlier this year the Daily Mail reported rumours that Michael used an imposter for at least one press conference.
Michael was too strung-out to do his tour, so someone killed him to avoid the embarrassment and high cost of cancelling all his shows, 50 of which were already sold out.
Supporting evidence: He was strung-out, and 50 of his shows were sold out. That’s about it.
Michael was murdered. This one has been used for online data-stealing, for obvious reasons – who can resist speculating? That’s why it is by far the most popular theory about his death. But it’s not developed enough to actually be a theory. No one has come up with a plausible motive yet. If you do the cui bono thing, then I think Paul McCartney would be your prime suspect (there are rumours that Jackson bequeathed McCartney’s own songs to him in his will). But let’s be realistic, here: If McCartney can put up with Heather Mills, he’s not a homicidal guy.
Supporting evidence: There really isn’t any. Of course no decent doctor would inject his patient with an overdose of painkiller, but decent doctors typically don’t work without a license, either.
Michael faked his death to get out of the limelight. Um, why? When you’re already a semi-reclusive, deeply eccentric celebrity that at least half the world despises, a pseudocide really isn’t necessary. I doubt that he would relinquish his children just to go a bit deeper underground. Besides, how is he going to disguise that face? It’s not as though he can get any more plastic surgery.
Still, this is the second-most popular theory out there. It’s nearly identical to the theories that Tsar Alexander I, Jim Morrison, Andy Kaufman, Elvis, James Dean, and Paul McCartney faked their deaths to get some breathing room (Alexander, Morrison, McCartney), avoid the humiliation of disfigurement (Dean), or play the mother of all practical jokes (Kaufman). Those theories and the stories that have sprouted from them are quite flimsy, (I saw Elvis at the gas station! Jim Morrison is my neighbor!), but to be fair, pseudocides do happen. They just don’t happen to ridiculously famous people.
Supporting evidence: Grainy-ass, undated photos of Michael sightings.
Iran killed Michael. To be fair, I’ve only heard this theory from a single source. The idea is that Ahmadinejad or someone working on his behalf called for the murder of an internationally famous pop star just to take the heat off of him for a while. Michael’s doctor was bribed or blackmailed into doing the deed, if he didn’t actually volunteer.
The largest fatal flaw in this theory is that Iranians know a celebrity death is only going to totally dominate the news for about three days, tops. And that the reporters covering Iran’s election disaster are not the same reporters who do the entertainment beat.
Supporting evidence: lol