Wednesday Weirdness Roundup: Slow News Week

As the U.S. seethes with racial tension, protestors swarm the streets of Hong Kong, and missiles gut Syria, a few intrepid journos have somehow managed to ferret out the real stories…

  • Say, does anyone remember the absurdly disappointing mystery of those invisible flying creatures known as “rods“? No? Well, let Oklahoma City’s News 9 take you back to ’97 with their hard-hitting report on bad photography.


Fry Screaming


The Prodigal Witch XII: Doc Marquis

Doc Marquis lecturing for The Prophecy Club, c. 1997

In the mid ’80s, an Illuminati defector and former devil worshiper known as Joseph “Doc” Marquis slipped into the niche vacated by John Todd, who was serving time for a rape conviction. Marquis started out as a virtual John Todd clone, but proved to be far more resilient than his predecessor. For the past two decades, Marquis has deftly surfed the waves of Christian conspiracy culture.

An unassuming, clean-cut guy with a slight speech impediment, Marquis speaks calmly and softly, eschewing the brimstone theatrics and stand-up schtick that many ex-Satanists use to spice up their acts.
But his claims are transparently absurd, tailored for the same crowd that insists John Todd was framed by Illuminati overlords. In fact, Marquis was a supporter of Todd’s work and discredited himself early on by parroting Todd’s nonsense. Then he made things even worse for himself by declaring that Mike Warnke, Rebecca Brown, Elaine Moses and Lauren Stratford had been Illuminati members, too. As we have seen, all these people crafted alternate histories for themselves in the ’70s and ’80s. (1)

There’s some question as to whether Marquis can really call himself a former Satanist, since he has stated the Illuminati believes in Lucifer, not Satan, and holds Satanists in disdain (if this makes any sense, let me know). His real cachet is as a former Illuminati member. (2)

Marquis’s first notable appearance was on the June 24, 1987 broadcast of Oprah. Though he began speaking publicly about his past sometime in the early ’80s, this was his first major gig. The show dealt with Wicca, and Marquis (as a “former Illuminati member”) was a naysayer, brought on to warn of the hazards of witchcraft alongside evangelist/exorcist Bob Larson. For the record, Oprah was open to everything Marquis had to say and at times chided other guests for questioning his more absurd statements about human sacrifice. After describing a previous guest who supposedly suffered Satanic ritual abuse, she said, “Just because… nobody found the bodies and nobody called in to a newspaper and said human sacrifices are going on, doesn’t mean that it does not exist.” (2)

If she had known more about his background, she might not have been so open. Prior to Oprah, Marquis was a supporter of The Family International and gave lectures at the church’s Friendswood Home in Houston. (3)
The Family was once known as The Children of God, and under the leadership of the crazed pedophile David “Moses” Berg, its members were urged to become prostitutes and molest children. As an adult, Berg’s son Ricky was still so severely traumatized by his molestation that he murdered one of the women who abused him, then killed himself.
The Family has tried very hard to shake its horrific past and move on, but COG’s international legacy of child abuse and cult manipulation won’t be forgotten anytime soon.

It was probably the Oprah appearance that gave Marquis just enough temporary street cred to be invited on Geraldo Rivera’s May 1989 show about the Matamoros killings, as a “former Satanic high priest”. Though the Matamoros drug murders involved a cultish cartel that practiced a bizarre form of ritual sacrifice (mostly on enemies, but sometimes on random strangers), they had nothing to do with Satanism and even less to do with the Illuminati. Marquis also boasts of appearing or acting as a consultant for Unsolved Mysteries, Hard Copy, and Talk of the Town, but I can’t confirm any of that. (1)

Around 1997 Marquis gave two epic lectures to the Prophecy Club, the same fundamentalist/conspiracy outfit that hosted Satanic Illuminati vampire Bill Schnoebelen.
He was introduced as a seventh-generation (reformed) witch raised in an Illuminati family. In one talk, titled “America’s Occult Holidays”, Marquis wasn’t content to slam Halloween. He also tried to convince his Christian audience to stop celebrating Christmas, Easter, and Valentine’s Day in traditional ways, because it’s all Pagan-Satanic worship. (4)

These days, Marquis lingers on the conspiranoid fringe where he belongs. His videos and books are available online, and he was a presenter at this year’s Conspiracy Con, but I doubt there will be any more mainstream TV appearances.

John Todd Redux

Marquis claims he was a member of the U.S. branch of the Illuminati from a young age, but he can’t seem to decide what that age was. On Oprah, he said he was 5 years old when someone sent a demon to control him. (2)  In his Prophecy Club talks a decade later, he was 3 years old when it all began. (4)  At any rate, his tender age handily absolves him of all personal responsibility for the atrocities he attributes to the group, placing him in the same redeemed-victim category as John Todd (who was an Illuminati member from birth).
The Illuminati Marquis describes is identical in most respects to John Todd’s, being comprised of powerful “witches” who worship Satan, practice human sacrifice, and control basically everything. The Rothschild family is at the head of the Illuminati, just as John Todd said. In fact, It was Mayer Rothschild who gave the Illuminati its seed money, back in 1776. He formed a governing “apostleship” made up of twelve financiers.
It is incredibly unlikely that Rothschild had anything to do with the founding of Adam Weishaupt’s Bavarian Illuminati in 1776. At that time he was a coin dealer living in the Jewish ghetto of Frankfurt, prominent in his field but virtually unknown outside of it. He would not enter the banking world in a big way until nearly a decade later. The Bavarian Illuminati was comprised mainly of academics – and in keeping with the spirit of the order and the prejudices of the times, there was not a single banker or Jew among its ranks.

Born in 1956, Joseph was apparently not raised by his birth parents. It was a “foster aunt” who dedicated him to the Illuminati when he was just 3 or 5 years old. Presumably, it was she who sent a demon to him. His parents were kept out of the loop, and raised Joseph as a devout Catholic in Massachusetts. On Oprah, he said he even taught Sunday School, which (as fellow guest Whitley Strieber pointed out) would be odd – Catholic churches don’t usually have Sunday school.

Marquis explained that his training began with earth religion (witchcraft). “Eventually, as I got to the higher levels, your philosophy is changed. You are now told what’s really going on.” (2)
He must have moved up to the higher levels of witchcraft very quickly, because in later accounts he says he was just 10 years old when he began attending an occult training academy known as the Outer Court, just like John Todd. There he learned the rudiments of human sacrifice, alchemy, and other dark arts.
Like everyone else in this series, Marquis views any form of occultism as devotion to Lucifer. Earth religion and Satanism and the Illuminati are all jumbled together into one huge, amorphous lump of evil. He claims that all Wiccans of “higher levels” knowingly worship the Devil, and you can’t be in the Illuminati without pledging allegiance to Lucifer.

Artist’s rendition of Doc Marquis’s school
At 13 he was made a high priest of a Satanic Illuminati witch coven, just like John Todd. His initiation ceremony required him to slice his arm with an athame and sign The Book of the Dead in his own blood. This is what UK “black witches” Doreen Irvine and Audrey Harper supposedly had to do in the ’60s, too, but they merely signed parchment. As we have seen, none of these worldwide Satanic cults use the same rituals, scriptures, or initiation rites. They can control the entire pop music industry, ritually slaughter hundreds of thousands of people every year without leaving a speck of evidence, and manipulate the whole geopolitical scene – but they just can’t agree on a standard mode of worship. As Marquis and Irvine describe their cults, they operated like a Catholic church on Opposite Day: If a priest wears white, we’ll wear black; if Catholics drink wine and pretend it’s blood, we’ll drink blood and pretend it’s wine, etc. As you probably know, real Satanism is not merely an inversion of Christianity.

Marquis stated that Illuminists and all witches, in addition to worshiping Lucifer, pay homage to the Assyrian goddess Semiramis and the “god” Nimrod. I’m sure real witches would heartily disagree, but that doesn’t stop David Icke and other professional conspiranoids from saying it continuously. Icke even insists the Statue of Liberty is an Illuminist representation of Semiramis (see page 8 of his Alice in Wonderland and the World Trade Center Disaster).
Nimrod is not exactly a god. He’s an unruly descendant of Biblical patriarchs (Abraham, Noah) who supposedly reigned over various Mesopotamian cities. He may have been revered as a king of sorts, but the evidence for a cult of Nimrod is thin. It is mostly conspiracists like Alexander Hislop and Icke who conflate Nimrod with other deities and insist he was a consort of Semiramis, something mentioned only briefly by Josephus. This strain of thought seems to have begun with Hislop’s 1853 tract The Two Babylons, or the Papal Worship Proved to be the Worship of Nimrod and His Wife.
So this leaves only two possibilities: Either Marquis is lying about the Illuminati worshiping Nimrod and Semiramis, or the truth was found out by a cranky anti-Catholic dude who never left his native Scotland.
At any rate, Marquis doesn’t go into much detail about Semiramis and Nimrod worship, which is quite typical of ex-Satanists and former Illuminati members.

At age 17, Marquis surpassed even Todd by becoming a “Master Witch” (a title Todd never mentioned). He ultimately attained the rank of Third Degree Master Witch, whatever that means. His superiors put him in charge of all the witches in three communities: Methuen and Lawrence in Massachusetts and Salem in New Hampshire.
After his formal witchcraft training was over he was ordered by his Illuminati superiors to join the Army as a medic, earning the nickname “Doc.” This is a bit odd; Todd claimed Illuminati witches are exempt from military service. Marquis says he was part of the Illuminati plan to infiltrate every military base on the planet and recruit military brass (in the ’80s, Christian conspiranoids were irate about Satanists being in the armed forces, with full Constitutional protection for their religious practices).

Marquis couldn’t be bothered to come up with his own cast list for his Illuminati drama, so he just used Todd’s: Prominent Wiccans Gavin and Yvonne Frost, Laurie Cabot and Raymond Buckland, plus Jimmy Carter’s sister Ruth Carter Stapleton. Todd mistakenly claimed that Buckland had been an anthropology professor at Columbia, but Marquis moved him over to Harvard.
Later on, he added Sharon Tate, Charles Manson, and alien abductee Whitley Strieber to the Illuminati ranks. The Tate murders occurred, he said, because Sharon Tate expressed her intent to defect from the Illuminati. This is probably derived from a claim made by Wiccan Alex Sanders that he initiated Tate in the ’60s, which has never been proven and was most likely (IMO) a publicity gimmick.
Strieber earned Marquis’s wrath by disputing his weird misinformation on Oprah (Strieber, though best-known as an alien abductee, appeared on the show only to discuss his novel Catmagic, which borrowed some ideas from Wicca).

One key difference between Todd’s stories and Marquis’s is that the latter’s Illuminati Satanists congregate on a regular basis (Todd said they don’t meet up at all, ever). According to Marquis, the Illuminati branches, and all the groups they control, perform human ritual sacrifices eight times per year. Marquis witnessed at least 100 human sacrifices during his time in the Illuminati. He talked about this on Oprah, explaining that the bodies of victims were left on roadsides or in wooded areas so that they would appear to be ordinary homicide victims. (2)

But the primary activity of the Illuminati is, of course, establishing a New World Order. In a hilarious illustration, Marquis identifies the elements of this hideous master plan to enslave mankind. They include Dungeons & Dragons, rock music, and “Sabbaths” (I think he means sabbats). All of the other ex-witches in this series warned about the evils of D&D, and Bill Schnoebelen even declared the game contained “real” spells that he gave to Gary Gygax in the late ’70s (after the game was already created), but I believe Doc Marquis is the only former Satanist to actually elevate D&D to a central plank in the NWO agenda.

New Word Order enforcer Elfwood Dragonflail with his weapon of choice.

Conversion and Anti-occult Crusade

Like Mike Warnke, Marquis credits Christians in the military with saving his soul. After three years in the service, he realized his way of life was spiritually bankrupt, walked into a church, and was saved on April 15, 1970. So the Illuminati issued a half-million dollar contract on his life. Marquis claims that there have been eight attempts on his life. Never mind that he was making public appearances throughout the ’80s and early ’90s. The Illuminati can control the world, but it can’t figure out how to assassinate one unarmed dude at a podium. I guess this means the Nation of Islam is better-organized than the Illuminati, which also failed to kill John Todd (who died of natural causes in a mental institution) and Mike Warnke (who’s still alive).  (4)

To fight the creeping menace of occultism, Marquis established the now-defunct National Occult Liberation Outreach Center and later an anti-occult ministry called Christians Exposing the Occult (also defunct). Since the early ’90s he has published numerous books and tracts, notably several volumes of the “American Focus on Satanic Crime” series, written with Alan H. Peterson. He now heads Creation Message Ministries with Cory Black, gives interviews to internet radio shows (mainly conspiracy-themed ones), and appears at conspiracy conventions such as Conspiracy Con and Future Congress.

Just a few of the ridiculous statements made by Marquis:
– In 1990, there were up to 3 million witches in New England. (1)
– Freemasons are an integral part of the Illuminati, just as John Todd said, and are working to install a Masonic Antichrist.
Kabbala is a “very Satanic counterfeit to the Torah and other Old Testament books of the Bible.”
– Every “occult” organization, from Theosophy to Wicca, takes its orders from the Illuminati. And every single one must commit ritual human sacrifices eight times per year (on Oprah, he said only four of eight). The number of victims would be staggering. Marquis claims law enforcement and judicial authorities allied with the Illuminati help cover up these crimes – but if his numbers are accurate, there simply wouldn’t be enough authorities to cover up so many murders. (4)
– Certain “Witch queens” as young as 13 are so powerful they are given control of entire states. An identical claim was made by John Todd, who said his sister was in charge of the state of Ohio at age 13. (1)
– They use astrology to figure out when Easter is going to be every year. (4)
– Satanists are active in the “white slavery” and drug trades. As with all his other claims, Marquis offers no examples and no evidence. (1)
Aleister Crowley was a Freemason, more evidence that Masonry and Satanist are intertwined. Bill Schnoebelen said this in a Prophecy Club lecture, too. It’s not strictly true. Crowley was into esoteric Freemasonry and claimed many degrees, but is not considered a bonafide Mason. (4)
– On Halloween, Druids painted pentagrams-within-circles in human blood on the doors of people who refused to offer up human sacrifices. The victims were herded to Stonehenge and ordered to stick their heads into a cauldron of boiling water. Only those who dared to do it were spared sacrifice, but of course they were left horribly burned. This is the tradition of bobbing for apples began. I would love to see his sources for this, because the first known mention of apple-bobbing dates to the eighteenth century. There is no indication that Druids did any such thing.  (4)
– The First Amendment is too lenient; neo-Pagan groups should not have tax-exempt status, and their members should not have the same Constitutional protection as Christians. (4)

You’ll burn your face off, kid.

Like most former Satanists, Marquis spent a great deal of time attempting to explain the occult symbolism of such things as the 1992 Olympic cauldron (it was red because Rothschild means “red shield”), Christmas wreaths (Pagan-Satanic vaginas), and the dollar bill (hexagrams and pentacles).

Quit staring at it, you perv.

To give Marquis a small amount of credit, he didn’t try to convince anyone that Lovecraft’s Necronomicon is the central scripture of Satanism, or that soap operas are full of devil-worshiping gay men, as John Todd did.

Marquis also offered his services as an “occult crime expert” to law enforcement agencies, training officers how to investigate occult-related crimes or acting as a consultant. I don’t know if any agencies hired him, but Marquis did obtain a letter of recommendation from Chief Norman Connors of the Allenstown, Pennsylvania police. Apparently at Marquis’s request, Connors conducted an “extensive background” check on Marquis and found no evidence of illegal activity. This may have been good for his career as an occult crime consultant, but it certainly doesn’t say much for his reputation as a badass Illuminati Satanist that police couldn’t find a speck of criminal conduct in his background. (1)

Marquis drew in a few supporters, such as the late Ted Gunderson, Karen Kintella, (director of a Houston-based ritual abuse group called Valuable Information For Cult Traumatized Individuals And MPD Survivors, or VICTIMS), The Family International, Ken Adachi, and Pam Schuffert.

In 1999, Marquis published his autobiography, Memoirs of a Former Illuminati Witch (American Focus Publishing).
He had learned a valuable lesson from the ex-Satanists who preceded him. He knew their testimonies were discredited largely because they could not (or would not) provide any verifiable information. He neatly skirted this problem by admitting, straight up, that he had absolutely no intention of giving us any evidence to support his stories. His memoir would be Christian testimony, and nothing else. Essentially, he said, “I’m not going to back up anything I have to say. Deal with it.” He even admitted he was protecting the guilty, in order to prevent a Christian witch hunt. It seems his readiness to name names earlier in his career as an ex-witch hadn’t paid off; it’s much safer to offer up stories that are 100% free of falsifiable details. This will immediately get rid of any pesky nonbelievers who insist on stupid things like “facts” and “evidence”, and ensure that the people who continue to support you will be the most gullible, malleable followers available.

Marquis still talks a lot about occult symbols hidden in plain sight, the Illuminati’s New World Order plans, and Jesus. But his newest thing is predictions, or prophecies, involving conspiracies. He has ramped up the fear factor considerably. He says American concentration camps are being prepared for U.S. Christians, and claims to have been given a tour of one “death camp” in the Mojave desert. “As a former high level Illuminati planner for the New World Order, I was brought to the site of the future FEMA death camp in the Mojave. I knew exactly what it would be used for: the termination of Christian resisters of our ‘PLAN’ to seize this nation under martial law for our New World Order. My reaction when I stood within it’s deadly confines when a Satanist? Sheer joy! I rejoiced over the thought of Christians being terminated in this place.” That’s interesting. FEMA didn’t become active until after April 4, 1979 – about ten days before Doc left the Illuminati.
In May, on Stanley Monteith‘s radio show, he predicted that Obama may be assassinated by a Jewish person in 2012, and this would trigger an Islamic jihad against Israel because Obama is a closet Muslim. Boom, WWIII.

On August 20th, Marquis was a guest on Daniel Ott’s online radio show The Edge. A bio posted on the show’s website states Marquis trains mental health workers, FBI agents, and state and local police in recognizing and dealing with Satanic ritual abuse, Dissociative Identity Disorder and “programming/brainwashing” (he has no formal training in psychology). I can find no evidence that Marquis has given presentations to law enforcement or mental health professionals.

Marquis gave two presentations at this year’s Future Congress in July, and both consisted of very tired material. One was about the occult symbolism hidden in the D.C. street plan, U.S. dollar bills, and the Great Seal of the United States. Yawn. In the other presentation, he examined the illustrations used in the Illuminati card game to “prove how they planned Y2K, 9/11, the British Petroleum oil spill of 2010, the Fukushima Dai-ichi nuclear power plant disaster of 2011, and other significant events years in advance”.

I’m not even going to waste time explaining why Marquis’s stories probably aren’t true. Everything he says is recycled conspiranoid drivel. If he wants the world to take him seriously as a Luciferian Illuminati witch, he can start by coming up with one infinitesimal speck of fresh information.


1. Article on Joseph “Doc” Marquis by Kerr Cuhulain @ Witchvox
2. Unofficial transcript of Oprah June 24, 1987 broadcast
3. entry for John Todd ( is run by former members of the Children of God/The Family International)
4.“America’s Occult Holidays” Prophecy Club presentation by Doc Marquis (c. 1997)

Wednesday Weirdness Roundup

Australian toilet vampires, yo.

  • The Too Much Time on Their Hands Award goes to the group of archeology students who supposedly saw a UFO last week while digging for Bigfoot remains in Kemerovo Province, Russia.
  • When it comes to weirdness, Henry Makow’s Save the Males website is a goldmine. And today’s top story doesn’t disappoint: Two Australian MPs give each other a “Masonic handshake” while Prime Minister Julia Gillard – a “Satanic lodge head” and “toilet vampiress” – looks on approvingly. WTF is a toilet vampiress, and what do toilets have to do with Satanism? This letter to Makow from Aloysius Fozdyke explains it all. You may recall that Fozdyke, an actual Satanist, made up a deathbed confession by a fictional Satanist he called Frater 616. Apparently he did this for some giggles, but Makow takes The Order of the Toilet very seriously. Incidentally, I don’t care what Masons do with their hands.
  • I guess this was bound to happen: The Obama Body Count. The good news is, it’s completely bogus. Victims include the author of a nonexistent book (Jihad at the Voting Box), several names that lead exactly nowhere, a childhood classmate of Obama who was supposedly murdered when Obama was 9 years old (“since Islam demands that a boy spill another’s blood before the age of ten”), people connected to Reverend Wright and Larry Sinclair (one of whom died when Obama was 11), and a guy named Gandy Baugh who also appeared on the Clinton Body Count lists. They also have the wrong name for the D.C. Madam (and fail to explain why Obama was responsible for her suicide). Several conservative sites posted this email in 2008, and still refuse to accept that it’s not legit.

Pants Afire Awards

The Pants Afire Award goes to the least credible people I’ve written about here on Swallowing the Camel.
And the lucky winners are…

Benjamin Fulford, saving the world with Freemasonic ninjas

Larry Sinclair – Obama’s gay lover and his murder allegations

James Frey – Bad writer, no Pulitzer!

Sylvia Browne, the whiskey-throated emodiment of epic FAIL

Dr. Deagle – taking WTF to whole new levels

Al Bielek – He survived the Philadelphia Experiment only to be zapped back to infancy. Never trust the government, folks.

Casey Anthony – Whether she’s guilty of killing her daughter or not, this girl has got to be one of the least competent liars in the history of lying.

Richard “Iceman” Kuklinski – He became the world’s most infamous Mafia hitman without actually working for the Mafia or being a hitman.

Conspiracy Monday: Doctors Want to You to be a Communist and Kill Your Grandmother!

The lies, distortions, and conspiracy theories being used to frighten Americans away from universal healthcare are really getting on my nerves. While there are some legitimate concerns about U.S. healthcare reform, the astroturfing efforts being carried out on behalf of corporate insurance interests are based almost entirely on scare tactics and misinformation. Just a few of the factoids that are floating around:

Socialized medicine is the slippery slope to socialism, or communism, or facism. If you really believe this, it means you have been so thoroughly brainwashed by rightist propaganda that you’re pretty much beyond hope of recovery. Nothing will convince you that health care is not just a privilege or a decadent indulgence, so I’m not even going to bother. Let’s move on to arguments that aren’t completely retarded…

The elderly will be denied care, or even euthanized against their wishes and/or the wishes of their next of kin. At best, doctors will pressure family members to let the patient die – to save money.

This would violate the whole Hippocratic thing they’ve got going on, but if you really insist on believing that most health care professionals are psychopaths in lab coats, there’ s not much I can say that will convince you otherwise, is there? I’ll just skip it. Here’s the bottom line: Whether they’re being paid by insurance providers, the state, or patients themselves, doctors still make a lot of money. Every service they provide puts more money in their pockets. So they don’t want to talk their patients out of receiving more health care. If anything, Americans should be concerned about doctors providing more services than are strictly needed. Which brings us to the next argument…

People will take advantage of the system by seeking treatment for minor complaints, and/or become irresponsible about their health.

Good old-fashioned fear of doctors keeps most people from taking advantage of free health care. And people will not dance around on rooftops or stick forks into electrical outlets just because they know there’s some free health care waiting for them. As for those of you who are concerned that AIDS patients will receive free treatment when they’re clearly godless mucksuckers who should just die? Fuh cough.

Universal health care means fewer doctors, a lower standard of care, and longer waiting lines at clinics and hospitals.
No. Though Americans are being told horror stories about the endless waiting times at Canadian hospitals, the truth is that such lineups occur mainly in busy metro-area hospitals or clinics – just as they do in the U.S. and other countries. The average Canadian clinic is indistinguishable from American clinics when it cames to wait times and quality of care. Having grown up in the States and having lived in Ontario and Alberta for the past decade, I’m not just guessing. I have had no problem receiving timely, high-quality health care in Canada. And I don’t have to live in fear of losing my insurance coverage.
As for doctors, where are they gonna go? The U.S. has been siphoning off our Canadian doctors for years, but U.S. doctors will just have to stick around, won’t they?

Doctors will be told where to live. Show me a single Canadian or European doctor who has been ordered to live or not to live in a specific area, and you’ve won this one. Doctors can live where they please.

Taxes will increase. If tax hikes are more troubling to you than the lives of uninsured Americans, fine. You have to live with yourself.

Doctors will be told how they can treat their patients. Um, they already are. There are standards, regulations, and laws already in place to control how doctors treat their patients. A single-payer healthcare system isn’t any different. No procedures will become off-limits just because taxpayers are picking up the tab.

Medical innovation will slow to a crawl or grind to a halt, because there will no longer be sufficient financial incentive. We might see fewer worthless pharmaceutical products like this one, but there will still be a huge market for life-saving and life-enhancing procedures and products. The major pharmaceutical manufacturers might make fewer billions for the first year or two as consumers adjust to the new system, but I think they’ll survive.

The Top 10 Obama Smears

In honour of the 44th President of the United States, I decided to catalogue the Top Ten stupidest smears, urban legends, and conspiracy theories that have been spun around Barack Obama since his election campaign. He’s here in spite of them all, and I think that says something about smear campaigns: They’re a complete waste of time.

10. According to “Frank Black” (not of The Pixies), Obama’s mom was a CIA cut-out recruited by U.S. intelligence in the ’50s to infiltrate black radical organizations, sleep with the men, and find out their secrets. “Obama is probably the result of one of these sexual encounters…it is very likely no one knows who is the real father…

Around the time of his birth, someone in Intell [sic] decided to use the ‘unwanted child’ for ‘the ultimate infiltration’.

And that is why we don’t know anything about Obama. He has been wiped clean. He is the ultimate cut out.”

Frank Black doesn’t cite a single source for his theory. Not one.

The notion that “we don’t know anything” about Obama is laughable; U.S. presidential candidates get the most thorough comb-over imaginable.

9. According to Alex Jones, Obama is a closet Muslim who is going to usher in Muslim/Black Identity/Nation of Islam terrorism and persecution of whites.

This one’s not worth any commentary.

The original source of the “secret Muslim” rumour appears to be an Illinois lawyer named Andy Miller, known for his outrageous, defamatory, and unsubstantiated declarations.

When I pointed out to a blogger that there is no such thing as a closeted Muslim, she replied, “We don’t know about closeted Muslims because they’re closeted.” Unassailable logic, that. We don’t know they exist because they technically don’t exist. So Miller et. al. could just be – and I suggest this purely for the sake of argument – MAKING THIS SH** UP?!

8. Obama bribed Time magazine to become its person of the year for 2008.

Unlikely. But maybe Rudy Guliani did.

7. Obama is a Satanist. Ann Coulter and FOX News’s James Pinkerton, among others, pointed out that Obama admired leftist Saul Alinsky, and that Alinksy dedicated his 1971 book Rules for Rebels to Lucifer, the “first radical”. With her characteristic subtlety, Coulter titled her column on the topic “Obama: Satan is My Homeboy.”

6. According to a video on YouTube (the fount of all wisdom), Obama uses Neuro-Linguistic Programming to hypnotize/brainwash us. This vid had received 10,000 hits as of November 7.

If this one’s true, all I can say is, “That is so ’87.”

5. Ashley Todd, the McCain campaign volunteer who beat herself up and blamed her bruises on a psychotic (fictional) mugger/Obama supporter, was really an Obama supporter working as a double agent, or perhaps an ACORN operative posing as a Republican.

Nice try. There are paid political provocateurs, but this bi*** is simply too stupid to be one of them.

4. Obama is the antiChrist.

So is Jimmy Carter, Mikhail Gorbachev, and Prince Charles. There’s an entire blog devoted to this one.

3. Obama has sex with men, then kills them to keep them from talking. He murdered the choir director of his former church for this very reason.

I covered this one here.

2. Obama will usher in the New World Order. The Illuminati selected and groomed him for just this purpose; McCain was never meant to win. Again, the source is Alex Jones (hence not worthy of comment), but you might be interested to know that the following rant was delivered when Ron Paul was the guest on Jones’s show – and Mr. Paul didn’t disagree with a word of it.

According to Jones, the Obama administration already has plans to unleash “unmitigated depression” and “squads of youth brigades”, and Barack Obama will “probably be the president that has me arrested…a lot of us are going to be arrested, a lot of us are going to be hunted down and killed. A great time of darkness is upon us. Prepare for the New World Order to drink the blood of the innocent…Prepare for the death squads, prepare for Communist-style mass murder…”

1. Obama is ineligible for the Presidency because he was not born in the U.S.

The main proponent of this one is attorney Philip J. Berg, whose lawsuit to force Obama to present his “real” birth certificate was thrown out of court. Berg then declared he and his supporters had a recording of Obama’s paternal grandmother revealing that Obama was born in Kenya, and promised to release it to the media within a few days of the election. To date, it has not been released.

Unlike the other theories on the list, this one at least had a small amount of “evidence” to prop it up: A “Ron Polarik” analyzed an image of Obama’s Hawaiian Certificate of Live Birth and declared the certificate a forgery. Unfortunately for him, no one with any credibility seconded his conclusions. In fact, many Haiwaiian officials who don’t use pseudonyms have vouched for the certificate’s authenticity and affirmed that Obama was, indeed, born in Hawaii.

Perhaps the saddest aspect of this smear is that conservative commentators like Little Green Footballs refused to entertain it not because it’s ludicrous, but because Berg is infamous for representing 9/11 Truthers in their lawsuits against the government (all of which have been thrown out).

Has Nader Gone Round the Bend?

In this clip, Ralph Nader expresses his opinion that the U.S.S. Liberty incident of 1967 was a deliberate attack by Israel, but presents this interpretation as established fact. It is not. While many false flag operations have been exposed, the Liberty incident is not one of them. It’s still up in the air. Some crew members believed it was an unprovoked attack by the Israelis, but others believed it was an accident, so McCain’s choosing of a side has nothing whatsoever to do with “honor, duty, patriotism”, etc. McCain may genuinely believe the accidental-attack explanation. Even if he doesn’t buy into it and was being deceptive when he wrote the promotional blurb for The Liberty Incident, it seems to me he might have been defending his father’s memory rather than being in thrall to the “AIPAC pro-Israel lobby” as Nader implies. I find the insinuation that McCain was somehow bullied by Jewish people into supporting a theory he knows to be false offensive and unwarranted. Politicians write blurbs of their own free will, and if they don’t want to promote a particular book that someone has asked them to endorse, they simply decline.

While Nader’s opinion on this matter is not overtly anti-Semitic, his eagerness to pin the blame for McCain’s alleged role in an alleged cover-up onto pro-Israel partisans disturbs me. The anti-Semitic statements recently made by some otherwise intelligent politicians have me wondering if Nader could be veering in that direction.

Americans Assaulted and Harrassed for Conservative Views

It’s an outrage. It’s an abomination. It’s utter B.S.

The short-lived hoax of Ashley Todd isn’t particularly interesting (nor unique), but the reactions it elicited in the blogosphere were quite revealing.

For those who missed it: Ashley Todd is a 20-year-old Texan, a member of the College Republican National Committee, and a McCain campaign volunteer. Two weeks ago, the CRNC sent her to Pennsylvania to recruit college students for McCain’s campaign. Last Wednesday night she reported to Pittsburgh police that as she stood at a Citizens Bank ATM in the city’s East End, she was mugged by a tall man. She gave him $60. When the man noticed the McCain bumper sticker on Todd’s car, he knocked her to the ground in a rage, blackened her right eye, and used a knife to carve a backwards, capital letter B on her left cheek. He indicated he was an Obama supporter.

There were niggling problems with Todd’s story from the very beginning. First off, the B was very neatly done, not at all the slice-and-dice affair you’d expect from a vicious attack in the dark. Secondly, records showed she had not used the ATM that night as she claimed. Asked to sketch her assailant, she seemed unable to do so.

The Drudge Report picked up the story on Thursday afternoon, and it immediately went viral. McCain and Palin reportedly phoned Todd to offer their sympathy, or maybe just to thank her for taking one for the team.

To their credit, some conservative commentators, like Michelle Malkin and Little Green Footballs, were suspicious of the story. But others made it clear that they thought Obama had a black eye, as well. Bloggers at placed full blame for the attack on Obama, for encouraging his supporters to “get in people’s faces”; he should’ve known that a deranged supporter might take that literally. posted under “Thugs for Change“: “Obama has run his campaign just like a street thug out of Chicago. Now we get to see what some of his worst supporters are like.” Atlas Shrugs initially expressed the same opinion, writing, “Shame on those who doubted this poor girl.” Similiar comments, even Todd’s entire blog, have been sucked down the memory hole since she confessed to faking the attack.

On Friday Todd finally admitted that she had given the black eye and backwards B to herself, and reportedly told one officer that she has a history of mental problems. Worst of all, Todd had taken the Susan Smith/Charles Stuart route by identifying her attacker as a black man.

It seems Todd has a history of political agitation. This spring, she notified a group of Ron Paul supporters in Brazos County, Texas, that her tires had been slashed because her car contained Ron Paul campaign material. She joined the group, but according to leader Dustan Costine she was asked to leave it in March after she repeatedly phoned Mike Huckabee’s campaign and pretended to be a Huckabee supporter in order to glean information about their campaign strategies.

While Michelle Malkin stated that most staged hate crimes are perpetrated by liberals, I’ve been noticing an uptick in conservative ones. For instance, there was last year’s horrific Orangina Abstinence Attack.
In November 2007 a Princeton junior named Francisco Nava phoned campus police to report a vicious, unprovoked attack by thugs who opposed his conservative lifestyle. He said two black-hatted men cornered him, battered him with a bottle of Orangina, and beat his head against a brick wall while warning him to “shut the f*** up.” He was covered in cuts and bruises. The impetus for the attack: Nava had recently penned an editorial on the perils of campus promiscuity (“Princeton’s Latex Lies“) for The Princetonian; he and fellow campus conservatives allegedly received death threats after it was published.

Nava was a member of Princeton’s Never Get Laid Anscombe Society, a student group that promotes chastity and exalts sex as “the actualization of the marital union, concretizing the mutual gift of self between the partners.” (and if they keep talking like that, they’ll never get to do any “actualizing”…)

Anyway, leading lights of the right instantly rallied to the lad’s defense: Robby George, Harvey Mansfield, David Horowitz, Brit Hume. They excoriated Princeton for its liberal bias and its supposed record of discrimination against conservative students, calling the beating a hate crime against a (political) minority.

On December 17, Nava confessed to police that he had staged the entire incident and beaten himself black-and-blue.

These politically charged cases of staged attacks and what I call “self-stalking” are rare, but far from unique:

In late September, 42-year-old Michelle Renee Wood of St. Johns County, Florida, was found beaten, with ropes knotted around her wrist and ankle. She said a “Satanic Santeria Voodoo” group to which she had once belonged before becoming a born-again Christian last year had abducted and bound her, beaten her, and taken her to a home in Flagler Estates where she was forced to participate in a Devil-worshipping Autumnal Equinox ritual that involved drugs, a bonfire, and the summoning of spirits. The group included several men and a petitie blonde woman they called Sky.
The sheriff’s department Criminal Investigation Unit supervisor, Major David O’Brien, found the story highly suspect. “Voodoo” and Santeria and Satanism are completely different, and investigators had been unable to uncover indiciations of any abberant occult activity in the area. Also, Wood had a history of making false reports to police. The case was dropped. (Source: “You Mean There Isn’t a Satanic Santeria-Voodoo Pagan Cult?” @ The Wild Hunt Blog)

O.C. Smith was a Memphis coroner who played a key role in the mysterious death of Don Wiley, the case that sparked the Murdered Microbiologists conspiracy meme. In late 2001, Smith declared Wiley’s death accidental. The following year, Smith was involved with the equally mysterious death of Katherine Smith (no relation), a Memphis woman accused of providing fake drivers’ licenses to suspected terrorists. He had been receiving bizarre, religious-themed hate mail for about a year. So it came as little surprise when Dr. Smith was attacked outside his office in June of 2002 by a crazed assailant who threw acid in his face, bound him with barbed wire, and attached a bomb to his chest. The investigation dragged on for over a year before Memphis police decided to go with their gut instinct: Dr. Smith staged the attack, for reasons unknown. How could an assailant have escaped notice while hauling around barbed wire, a bomb, and acid? Why was Smith virtually unharmed in the attack, sustaining only a few superficial scratches and burns that healed quickly? Smith firmly denies any wrongdoing.

New Zealand’s “Mars-Venus case” created a nationwide backlash against Satanism and the film Reservoir Dogs in 1995. 32-year-old Palmerston police detective Brent Garner was found bound, gagged, and soaked in gasoline in the yard of his home, which was ablaze. He said a man with a “cultured voice” had attacked him and left him in the house to burn, but he managed to wriggle out of a window. It was assumed that the assailant was The Executioner, the letter-writer who had been sending threatening missives to Garner’s police station for a month. Public fears of occult violence erupted when police psychologist Ian Miller issued his profile of the attacker: A well-traveled, educated man immersed in the Satanic and occult, who considered himself an “agent of the devil” and was acting out a “Satanic fantasy” in his persecution of Garner. Condemnation of Reservoir Dogs followed an observation that the attack on Garner bore some resemblance to the “Stuck in the Middle With You” scene.
Police organized a task force codenamed Operation Venus to solve the crime, but Senior Sergeant Grant Nicholls was skeptical of Garner’s story and secretly launched “Operation Mars” to examine it. It didn’t take him long to discover that Garner had purchased gasoline, duct tape, and a timer shortly before the arson. The following month, Garner confessed that he had staged the attack by cutting himself with a scalpel, dousing himself wth gas, and setting his own house on fire. Why? He wanted the insurance money so that he could leave his wife and marry a mistress. The Satanic stalker had been an elaborate ruse. Garner was fined, charged, and fired.

To date, no one has apologized to Quentin Tarantino, Barack Obama, or the Dr. Pepper Snapple Group (makers of Orangina).

– “McCain Volunteer Admits to Hoax” by Michael A. Fuoco, Jerome L. Sherman and Sadie Gurman. Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. Oct. 25, 2008.
– “Terror at the Morgue: Did A Medical Examiner Strap a Bomb to His Own Neck?” CBS News. July 8, 2006.
– “The Venus Case“.

The Week in B.S.

– Prophet Yahweh (Ramon Watkins) predicts yet another UFO landing sometime between Halloween and November 11. The aliens want to show their support for Obama. (Prophet Yahweh also claims he can summon UFOs by reciting passages from the Bible, so predictions seem moot.)

– I pay little mind to the pop music world, but this irked me: Beyonce Knowles tried to pass off one of her latest singles, “If I Were a Boy”, as her own work, co-written with German producer Toby Gad. She and Gad were the only ones credited when her new album’s track listing was released earlier this month. In reality, “If I Were a Boy” was written by Gad and a San Diego singer/songwriter named Britney Carlson (stage name BC Jean). Gad had Carlson’s permission to sell the rights to some of their songs, but she retained the final say. She reportedly declined to give the producers of Hannah Montana the rights to “If I Were a Boy” because they wanted to change some of the lyrics, and she also refused to give the rights to Beyonce’s manager/dad, Matthew Knowles. So Knowles and Gad went ahead with the deal anyway. Apparently the matter has been settled, but it’s entirely possible that Carlson will not be receiving any royalties from this hit single, because it was not recorded by her.

– Australian channeler/contactee Blossom Goodchild announced in August that the intergalactic Federation of Light would make its presence known through highly visible UFO sightings from October 14-17. It looks like the Federation members have mastered interstellar travel, but can’t quite comprehend Earth calendars. Or maybe they took a wrong turn at Albuquerque. At any rate, Goodchild’s lame excuses for them can be found on YouTube.
Goodchild’s announcement was a virtual clone of the failed UFO-landing prophesies of Marion Keech in 1956, Heaven’s Gate in 1975 (as chronicled in Jacques Vallee’s Messengers of Deception), and Richard Hoagland et. al. for December 7, 1998.

– As outlined in my post “Psychic Smackdown“, conspiranoia radio talkshow host Bill Deagle prophesied the European markets would utterly collapse on October 7, initiating a string of Illuminati-engineered events culminating in U.S. martial law, nuclear holocaust, and an Avian Flu pandemic. However, he nullified his 2007 warnings that cloned dinosaurs and Modified Attack Baboons from Texas would be patrolling “forbidden zones” in the U.S. when he prophesied that plain old troops with pepper spray will be guarding city perimeters. Dangit. I was so looking forward to seeing Modified Attack Baboons with nano-armor!
Benjamin Fulford made a similiar prediction for October 5, saying the economic “black hole” would become evident on that date, giving the Satanic Zionists their golden opportunity to inter us all in underground FEMA detention centers.

– On Kevin Barrett’s Truth Jihad Radio show (GCN) today, Webster Tarpley mentioned this clip as *evidence* that Obama really is a closeted Muslim. You see, in the conspiranoia world, accidental slips of the tongue simply never happen. I suspect there are at least a few conspiracy theorists who can’t bring themselves to call them Freudian slips, though, because Freud was Jewish and a psychiatrist.
Tarpley, by the way, insists Al Gore “invented climatology”, blames NATO for the kidnap/murder of Aldo Moro, and considers Putin the most intelligent and stabilizing leader in the world.

Larry Sinclair: Obama does drugs, has sex with men, and murders choir directors in his spare time

The other day, an elderly gentleman soberly informed me that Obama will be the next President of the United States. Not because he’s the best candidate or even because he’s getting the most votes, but because Dick Cheney is going to make sure it happens that way. Why? Well, around Christmas last year the choir director of Obama’s church was murdered. This somehow links to Obama. Cheney knows “something about this” situation and will use that information to pull Obama’s puppet strings once he gets into office.

Here are the facts behind this theory:

– A Chicago/Duluth man named Larry Sinclair came forward this year, claiming that in November ’99 he did drugs and had sex with Barack Obama (see his YouTube video below).

– Rather than being dismissed as the seemingly groundless smear campaigner he is, the press has given some face time to Larry Sinclair. Yesterday, he held a long press conference at the National Press Club. Mind you, he was arrested on outstanding warrants immediately after it concluded…

The here are some problems with Sinclair’s claim:

– Though he has promised to cough up some corrororating evidence, Sinclair has to date produced no evidence.
– Sinclair has a long rap sheet. This doesn’t destroy his credibility, but it does have to be taken into consideration when weighing it.
– There is no evidence that Obama even knew Donald Young on an interpersonal level, much less had sex with him.
– Chicago police don’t have any solid suspects in Young’s murder.
– Sinclair failed two polygraph examinations that the porn site challenged him to take, according to a story that has been pulled.
– Who actually cares about Obama’s private life?

Larry Sinclair’s “revelations” are an eerie echo of the startling cocaine accusations levelled at George W. Bush by J.H. Hatfield, an ex-con who famously convinced Sander Hicks and many others that Karl Rove had told him all about a scrubbed cocaine arrest. By combining credible information (Dubya used cocaine) with utter b.s. (Karl Rove called Hatfield late at night to whisper true confessions to him), he got himself two book deals and a hell of a lot of attention, culminating in the 2001 documentary Horns and Halos. Then he slipped back into a life of crime and committed suicide when he was caught.
Since his information was second-hand, at least we can say that Hatfield might have been fed disinfo designed to discredit all accusations of drug use by Dubya. No one can say the same of Larry Sinclair. He’s either lying, or he’s not.