Total Eclipse of the Brain

How fundies and conspiranoids are reverting to an ancient, superstitious mindset and taking you with them

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In her 1979 essay “Total Eclipse,” Annie Dillard (the Werner Herzog of nature writing) described her viewing of a solar eclipse in Washington’s Yakima Valley as a descent into the world of the dead, marked by complete dislocation in time and space. She felt she was simultaneously experiencing the future and the beginnings of human civilization. People screamed around her. Her husband looked “familiar and wrong,” and Dillard felt she was observing him from the “other side of death.” Dillard’s experience concluded with a simple, plaintive plea that encapsulated her existential terror: “God save us all.”

If total eclipses are so mind-meltingly weird, why do we have to make them weirder? As the April 8 eclipse in parts of North America approaches, social media is ablaze with bizarre theories about what it could portend and how the world’s elite will exploit it to achieve sinister ends. On TikTok, users point to random facts and Bible passages that don’t quite gel into anything, yet all seem to indicate that Something Is Going to Happen:

• The 2017 solar eclipse passed through seven communities named Salem. This time, it will pass through seven communities named Ninevah. This is actually a lie. The eclipse path will only travel through two of those communities, one in Indiana and one in Ohio.
• According to many people, including amateur eschatologist Michael Snyder of the website The End of the American Dream, a giant Hebrew symbol (the aleph tav) will be formed by the paths of this eclipse + the 2017 eclipse. Some Christians have concluded the aleph tav is the “signature of Jesus.” The problem with reading too much significance into the aleph tav is that its precise meaning is not known. It is roughly analogous to the alpha and omega in some parts of the Bible, but is presented more ambiguously in other passages. In other words, it’s absolutely perfect for this kind of vague “something is coming down” messaging.
• Snyder also thinks it is very significant that a giant roadside attraction in the form of a cross (the Bald Knob Cross of Peace in Alto Pass, Illinois) stands near the intersection of the 2017/2024 eclipse paths. However, this is not the largest or most significant roadside cross in the U.S.; that cross (the Cross at the Crossroads) is almost 185 miles away from the Bald Knob Cross, well out of the eclipse path. Snyder doesn’t mention that the 2024 eclipse will pass directly over the Tomb of King Tut the Dog in Carbondale. That has to mean something.
• Also, according to TikTok evangelist John Savage, it will occur under the constellation Cetus which means “whale”, which is what swallowed Jonah. This is not entirely accurate. Jonah was swallowed by a “large fish” (in Hebrew, דג גדול). We just assume it was a sperm whale because what else can swallow a grown-ass human?
• Highlight Truth Ministries perfectly mimics Savage’s video, right down Matthew 12, in which Jesus says an “evil and adulterous generation sign seeks for a sign, but no sign will be given to it.” HTM talks about the whale (wrong again), the town of Rapture Indiana, and the Ark Encounter in Kentucky. Both Savage and HTM suggest that these are the last days, and God is giving us hints in the form of the solar eclipse’s path through certain towns. I asked HTM why his vid appears to be copypasta of Savage’s, and he replied that they’re brothers in Christ who collaborate. I think they might need a third brother in Christ to fact-check them both.
• “Kela”, a middle-aged TikToker in a pink hoodie, informs us that this eclipse is “suspicious as shit” because it’s going to pass over the New Madrid Fault Line. The last time an eclipse passed over this area, there was an earthquake. Also, some planets are going to come into alignment before and after the eclipse. A user comments: “I’m not religious but I went [down] the prophetic tav rabbit hole and I can’t help but to feel like there is something very sus about these eclipses.” U.S. schools, I am fucking begging you: Make astronomy classes mandatory.
• “Holikela”, which is just Kela with another account, declares that the X shape formed on a map of the U.S., crossing through the same town, “has never happened before.” Maps of previous solar eclipses show this has happened many times. She also speculates that the eclipse will wake up giants (AKA Bigfoot) in a national forest.
• TikToker “CharminglyFrugal” notes that her children’s school is not going to be cancelled on the day of the eclipse, but she might keep them out of class just in case. She is going to fill her cars’ gas tanks, put all her electronics in special bags, and stock up on food and water a week ahead. She did not elaborate on where she plans to go to escape an eclipse. “There is a lot of things in the Bible and linked to the eclipse that make me wonder what could actually happen. And the fact that they think the eclipse is going to trigger earthquakes makes me wonder what is actually going on.”
• CERN is planning to fire up the LHC on April 8. TikTokers back up their claim that CERN is Satanic by showing clips of the unrelated Gotthard Base Tunnel opening, which was artsy-fartsy and therefore sus.

On Rumble, the same conversations are happening. The channel Edge of Wonder discussed rare astrological events that occurred around the time of the last solar eclipse, attempting to link them to passages in the Bible.

It’s not the first time conspiracists have twinned sinister events on Earth with celestial events. During the Jade Helm hysteria, some theorists pointed to the end date of the military exercise – September 15, 2015 – as the same month in which someone-or-other predicted a catastrophic impact of a comet or asteroid.

Rumble user Jayjayc11 echoes many of the concerns in the conspiracy community: “If nothing is going to happen then why do they have majority of schools closed , national guard in each state and Biological and chemical professional folks stationed as well? Why tell everyone to stock up on 2 weeks worth of food and water and fill up gas tanks? They have also been planning this for this for 2 years. Something is absolutely going to happen and they just aren’t telling us.” A CBC article about school closures on April 8 cites concerns that “kids might damage their eyes by looking directly at the sun, or that the mid-afternoon darkness will make their trek home dangerous.” I think what we’re seeing with school closures is not a sign that this eclipse is different from previous ones; it’s a sign that schools have become more liability-averse and cautious than ever.

Some content creators, like Waking the World Up, are arguing that the global elite time some of their most evil actions to coincide with eclipses.

In one of their videos The Rebel Call channel on Rumble pointed out that Aleister Crowley wrote The Book of the Law between April 8 and 10.

So what is going on here? Didn’t we stop freaking out over eclipses in the Middle Ages? We are a pattern-seeking species, thirsty for truth and significance, but isn’t this a bit much? I have no doubt that on April 9, when nothing much happens, the social media posts will be utterly forgotten and we will never discuss this again. It will be Y2K on a micro scale, relegated to mildly embarrassing clips on the Internet.

Prophecy is an exciting and powerful thing. It offers an intoxicating blend of superiority and reassurance. Sure, the prophet says, things are fucked right now. But God will set them right. And you’ll come out on top because you’re doing the right thing. For thousands of people, “doing the right thing” in relation to the upcoming eclipse is sharing a handful of disparate facts they found online with everyone they know, so they can be thanked later – or acknowledged as seers when the shit comes down and everyone who didn’t listen to them is doomed. We have all seen this before. The end of the world has been predicted perhaps a dozen times in my time on Earth, and on the appointed day nothing much happened. The prognosticators slunk back to their churches or basements and never bothered to resurface. My only question is: Why do we keep listening? What is it about doomsday scenarios that bring us to the table every single time, even though we know we won’t be fed? We seem to have adopted the mindset that even if nothing happened this time, it’s good that we were on our guard, ready for anything. “It keeps us on us toes,” as a bowl of pub peanuts said in a David Firth cartoon.

I’m not as worried about the eclipse as I am about how we think about the eclipse. What I’m seeing in these social media posts is free-floating anxiety with spooky music added. The posts are fact-free, emotionally toploaded, and devoid of any rational thinking. Some are clearly designed for clicks and clout. They target people who are either very nervous or very daft. That’s how it works with conspiracy people. They’re not asking questions, challenging the government, seeing the bigger picture, or anything else. They’re just telling stories to each other. The stories don’t have to make sense.

What can be done about this?

1. Demand accountability. When prophecy fails or conspiracy theories turf out, we rarely step to the people who promoted them in the first place and demand an explanation. This time, let’s do that. On April 9, go to the people who warned you that the world was going to end. Ask them, “So what happened? Why did the eclipse just pass over without any significant events occurring?” Or better yet just, “Where Jesus at?” The next time they start to beak off about a big event, ask, “Is this like that eclipse thing?”
2. Demand explanations. “I think this is sus” doesn’t cut it anymore. If you think an eclipse passing through towns named Ninevah is “sus,” explain why. In detail.
3. Point out contradictions. There are many of them in the recent eclipse hysteria. For example: Fundamentalist conspiracy theorists will have no truck with astrology, a demonic art, yet they want us to believe that their god uses the human names of constellations to signify imminent events? Sounds like astrology, bruh.
4. Point out the long-term consequences of false prophecy. If you repeatedly forecast events that don’t happen, even your most loyal followers will begin to realize that the stuff you talk about has no discernible effect on life as they know it. They will grow desensitized and bored. The sense of urgency that comes with saving souls or preparing for the endtimes will eventually fade, and they’ll walk away embittered.
5. Understand why we’re like this. It is natural, in times of uncertainty and stress, to look for signs that everything is going to be okay. We gravitate to saviour/hero types who seem to know what to do. We stockpile supplies in the mistaken belief that this will make us safer or prove our worth. There is nothing new about any of this. Recognize it as panic mode behaviour and treat it accordingly; don’t give in to your lizard-brain urges. Be gentle with people who are freaking out, because panic mode is a rough place to be.

And if you’re in the path of the total eclipse, get out there (with the appropriate eyewear!) and experience it. Anne Dillard had a bad trip in 1979 as she watched the sun disappear and the known world spiral away. Simultaneously, though, she sensed a unified field underlying everything, imbuing us with innate concern for one another amidst chaos. Think we could all use a little bit of that right now.